Bleu
Finished on 12/8/2013

'Night' Adventures
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/573532/night-adventures-amber-friendship-henber-henry-oneshot-kris-krisber

About: Amber(f(x))+Henry(Suju-M)+Kris(Exo), oneshot, comedy, fluff, friendship

Title 3/5– The title is rather boring, there is nothing eye-catching about it. Besides from it being relevant to the story, there's nothing else about it. I understand that Amber forced Kris and Henry to take a stroll around Seoul, but couldn't there have been a better way to name this story? I suggest that, instead of putting night in quotation marks, you should make it a different word.

Foreword 4/10– The foreword has nothing in it at all basically. It doesn't give any information about the story whatsoever. You told us the title and pairings but I'm pretty sure we could probably tell by the tagging and the title itself. Also, you told us about the genre, but you already put that in the tagging–so I don't really see a point or reason why you put it in the foreword. You also made a grammar mistake on the only sentence where you describe the story such as:

❁ “In which Amber “drags” Henry & Kris to accompany her because she's bored (it's 3AM).” should be,”At 3 in the morning, Amber decides to deliberately force Henry and Kris to the streets of Seoul.”

Plot 12/20 – The story isn't really organized. You go from a live journal to a narrative story–which makes the readers really confused. Also, I don't really see any like rising action or . There isn't really much of a story being told. You focus too much on the character dialogue and actions, and too little on the descriptions and setting details. The plot line is pretty much a straight line, there is no twists, cliff hangers, or any action really. The ending is rather rushed as well, is there any way for you to add more details when Kris and Henry ask Amber to go out again at 3AM?

Characters 15/20– You did a really good job describing the relationship between Amber and her group members. Also, I suggest adding a few differences in Kris and Henry's personalities. To me, they both seemed like the same person–same attitudes, actions, and dialogues. Good job on describing Amber though, you could really tell her tom-boyish character.

Grammar and Spelling 16/20– No major spelling or grammar mistakes, but I do see some minor mistakes. Your writing style has no emotion really; it's just like, so straightforward. I also suggest finding different dialogue walk-in's and out's. They're all so similar that its redundant almost. You tend to switch POV's too frequently, which leads to the readers' confusions. Are you intending on making it Amber's POV or just a narrator? Also, I noticed you switch back and forth from a live journal style and a narrative writing. A few mistakes are...

❁ ““Four hundred percent done with you, Krystal! Jeez.” (Amber goes out of Krystal's room mumbling something about how she could've just said no, that douche.” should be ”Krystal, I am four hundred percent done with you. Jeez!” Walking out of Krystal's room, Amber mumbles to herself that she could have just said no. That douche.”

❁ “She realized that the guy never really greeted her properly. It was either he chocked her to death(because 'My dongsaengie's too cute' he said) or he treated her like she was the most annoying and troublesome creature on earth.” should be.”She realized that Jonghyun never really greeted her properly. It was either he choked her to death, since according to him, “My dongsaengie's too cute,” or he treated her as if she was the most annoying and troublesome creature on Earth.”

Enjoyment 2/5– I did not really enjoy this story at all. I mean sure it was fluffy and adorable, but where was the actual plot? I'm not sure if you're trying to write a live journal or a narrative writing. Also, your plot line is like a straight line. There are no twists or cliffhangers or anything. I suggest adding some unexpected love moments or something.

Structure 3/5– The font and font size is just perfect, but your paragraph spacings are way too big. The dialogue between Amber and her group members are really big. The way you separated your paragraphs and dialogue makes this story look really unorganized.

Overall 55/85=65/100– This story's plot line is a completely straight line. You don't have any twists or cliffhangers at all. You also have little to no events that make the readers want to keep reading. Kris and Henry's personalities are too similar, to me; it seemed like they were exactly the same person. Your writing and grammar and spelling are really messy as well. 

A/N– There are some people who are unaware that pyjamas is the British way of saying pajamas. I suggest adding an author's note in the foreword to clear up any confusion. :)

Reply: Hey! Thanks for the review! About the foreword, that's how livejournal people do it doe. Also about the sentences you "corrected", yeah um well, that's my writing style I guess. (I mentioned that I incorporated the livejournal way to my way) And about the change in POVs, laffsz I was narrating so ya. Last hehe, my grammar and spelling are messy? (tears again) But that is the only thing I'm actually proud of! (Considering I'm not a native English speaker)