1 elfrunaway
❁The First Crimson Moon❁
Katrina
Finished on 10/9/2013
About: Luhan(Exo), Chanyeol(Exo), OC, silence, deaf, romance
Title: 5/5 Perfect for your story, no change necessary.
Foreword: 9/10 Just the description needs some cleaning up. You used commas instead of periods and made the whole thing like a run-on sentence. Either use commas or semi-colons. Also, the very first sentence says "My world is quite" should be 'My world is quiet'.
Plot: 21/25 Good plot overall, not too cliche, but I just don't understand her family. Parents are supposed to love their children so when her parents became deaf, they would usually still support their child and encourage them to try to become a doctor to help them or something. Unless, they really hate their own child.
Characters: 22/25 Everyone seems ok except for her parents. Not only do they cut her off from the outside world, the rest of her family, like the cousins and grandparents, also abandoned them. Like I said above, family are supposed to be there for each other, no matter how embarassing they are. So by saying her family had been abandoned, you are saying that the rest of her family are cruel people. Their relationships had to be weak from the beginning for this to happen. If that is so, then please go more into details about why they were abandoned.
Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 You used quite a lot of commas instead of semi-colons. When connecting two sentences, use semi-colons or a conjunction word. At some points, your sentences are squished together, making it hard to read. When people speak, sometimes you leave out the quotations and sometimes you place it randomly in the middle of a sentence. Starting from chapter 3, the paragraphs were grouped together wtih no space in between, making it nearly illegible and messy.
In chapter one, "Day and night was the same..." should be "Day and night were the same" since there are more than one thing being described.
Flow: 13/15 I find your flow reasonable enough except for the fact that she met Kris too early. In one day, presumably less than an hour, she met three guys all at the same time. I feel you should give her some time to rest before seeing so many people all at once.
Overall: 86/100 The plot is original, and the characters are real enough, but I just feel the parents are a bit too childish. You have no spelling mistakes, but the commas just need some work because you always added too much or none at all.
Reply: Thank you for the review, the comas was the thing I was trying new. My creative writing teacher says it adds suspense but I wasn't so sure about it so thank you for verifying ( oh and and thank you for pointing out about the paragraphs I copy and pasted from google docs and I guess it took out a lot of the spacing) and I am actually working on explaining the parents better since at first I wanted her to be abandoned in the middle of the woods but then I realized that, that would be really unreasonable so I am trying to explain it more Thank you Soooo much
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