Ahri
Finished 11/27/2013

Trapped in Your Love
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/535414/trapped-in-your-love-comedy-romance-snsd-yoona-yoonyul-yuri

About: Yuri(SNSD)+Yoona(SNSD), yuri, romance, high school, queenka, new girl

Title: 2/5 I find it too long and meaningless. It's not eye-catching or intriguing. In fact, you can find about a hundred of stories with this title in the world. It doesn't stand out and make the reader yearn to read it.

Foreword: 6/10 I prefer to place the trailers on the bottom, but if you like it at the top, it's fine. For the description of the story, you should write it all in present tense since it does not happen yet. As for the character descriptions, you should try writing everything in paragraph form. For example: "Kwon Yuri: Popular girl in her university, love attention, player, rich, flirtatious, optimistic." should be 'Kwon Yuri, the epitome of a queenka. She loves attention and is a complete player, having dated most of the population of the school. While she is a complete flirt, she is optimistic, even when she is in trouble. Being from a rich family, she gets whatever she wants.' or something like that.

Plot: 10/25 This is probably hands down the most overused, common plot ever. New girl comes and catches the interest of the popular guy, or girl in this case. Popular girl wants to break the new girl but ends up falling in love. New girl falls in love as well and changes popular girl's way of life. The end. Look, try to add a twist or something to the story- but not having someone fight with Yuri for Yoona's attention. That is too overused as well.

Characters: 15/25 Yuri is the popular, cool girl, right? So why does she suddenly become a nervous wreck around Yoona? She is the confident player, so why does she suddenly become engrossed in her public image for Yoona?

Grammar and Spelling: 14/20 Right from chapter one, you jumped from past tense to present tense. Check for verbs that end in "ed". Those are past tense. The ones that end in "s" or nothing at all are present tense. Since the majority of your story is in present tense, I'm guessing that's what you're trying to do. You have some run-on sentences which can be seperated with a period or semi-colon. You do use semi-colons- I can see that- but you need more for some sentences.

In chapter one, "I know I took everyone's attention, really this people can't resist me." should be 'I know I have everyone's attention. Really, these people can't resist me.'
2. "A shy boy tries to compliment me before running away and ends up on the floor; he hit to class room door with his head." should be 'A shy boy tries to compliment me before running away and ending up on the floor, because he hit his head on the classroom door.'

In chapter two, "I take a sit beside her." should be 'I take a seat besides her.'

In chapter three, "Just remember her name make my mood drop in a sec." should be 'Just remembering her name makes my mood drop in a second."
2. "...she chuckles, cause me to pout even more." should be '...she chuckles, causing me to pout even more."
3. "Ofc now. It can't be tomorrow..." should be 'Of course now. It can't be tomorrow..." Never abbreviate words in a story unless it's LOL or OMG.
4. "She waves back at back at Seo and walk to chasier..." should be "She waves back at Seo and walks to the cashier..."

In chapter four, "Yuri put her hands on Tiffany's waist who starts to grinding her body against Yuri." should be 'Yuri put her hands on Tiffany's waist, and the redhead starts grinding her body against Yuri's.'
2. "Taecyeon's cutted by someone else." should be 'Taecyeon's cut by someone else." Even if you're using present tense, cutted is not a word.
3. "Does my car not comfortable enough for you?" should be 'Is my car not comfortable enough for you?'

In chapter five, "That's why many falls in love with me." should be 'That's why many people fall in love with me.'
2. "...she steak out her tongue and I slap her arms." should be '...she sticks out her tongue, and I slap her arm." Why would Yoona slap both of Yuri's arms?
3. "...Yuri, the most annoying girl I've ever meet." should be '...Yuri, the most annoying girl I've ever met.'

Flow: 10/15 Both girls fall in love with each other much too early in the story. It just takes Yuri one day to realize that Yoona is her love, and Yoona is already falling in love with her as well. I understand if Yoona is just feeling attracted because of looks, but she would never take Yuri as a girlfriend because of her history.

Overall: 57/100 The plot is too cliché, the characters are unrealistic, and the flow is too fast. However, this story does show the good qualities of a nice high school love between two people from different classes. It highlights the popular player falling for the new student, an exotic creature compared to the rest of the school.

Reply: Thank you for your review... ouch! its low but thank you so much.I don't expect a great score too. I really appreciate it. I hope I could be better, so I really thank you. Btw, there're some parts I don't understand and need more explanation,so may I ask you? It just if you have a time, thank you so much *bows*