Bleu
Finished on 12/4/2013

An Exceptional Christmas Occasion
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/585208/an-exceptional-christmas-occasion-angst-christmas-romance-chanyeol

About: Chanyeol(Exo)+OC, angst, Christmas, romance, depression, death\

Title 4/5 – The title is a bit too long. I suggest changing it to something like,”An Exceptional Christmas Eve” or “Missing in Action.” The title is really original and unique though since it's not something you see everyday. It's eye-catching and it has really relevant words, but it's too long. The title is really relevant to the story, although at first you don't really see a connection to the plot. After I finished the story, I noticed that each of the words have its own meaning to the story. The “Exceptional” refers to how Hyemin wishes there was an abnormal way for Chanyeol to come back. The “Christmas Occasion” refers to how the setting is during Christmas time. Where everyone wants to be with their loved one.
 

Foreword 6/10 – The foreword gives the readers a glimpse of what the story will be about. It doesn't give too much or too little information. You wrote it really nice but there are just some grammar mistakes. I like how you repeated the words,”Loved ones...” but I don't really see a purpose of it being there. It's a good idea, but it doesn't really sound right. You are a bit too straightforward, I suggest adding some absolute phrases.

❁ “Hyemin wanted to do so but she couldn't because all her friends either travelled back to their hometowns or went for a date with their other half.” should be “Hyemin wanted to be with the people she love, but she couldn't. All of her friends either traveled back to their hometowns, or went on a date with their own loved ones.”

❁ “She wanted to spend this Christmas so much with that certain someone which meant the world to her. Chanyeol's dead, or should I rather say Missing in Action.” should be “She wanted to spend this Christmas so much with that certain someone–who meant the world to her. Chanyeol was dead, or should I rather say Missing in Action.”

❁ “She wanted to meet him so much, she had so much things she wanted to tell him but he's gone. Would this really be that exceptional Christmas that she had wished for the past two years? A special Christmas which she is able to spend with Chanyeol. Well, miracles do happen if we learn to believe in them.” should be “She wanted to see him again so much. She had so many things she needed to tell him–but he's gone. Will this be the exceptional Christmas that she had been wishing for the past two years? A special Christmas where she is able to spend time with Chanyeol. Miracles are not only in fairy tales, you just need to learn to believe in them.”

Plot 15/20 – The plot itself is really good, it's not too cliché at all. I mean, you don't really see a story like this everyday. I don't like how calm Hyemin is when she meets Chanyeol again. She hasn't seen him in 2 years, and she doesn't act shocked or anything. I really like how you began the story. Everything seemed to remind Hyemin of Chanyeol. You really showed the readers how depressed and lonely she was. I don't like how you wrote the ending. It feels too rushed, and also, it looks really unusual to end the story with a cliffhanger. If you were trying to add a cliffhanger, I suggest adding one with suspense and emotions. The ending really feels like its a comedy. When it's truly supposed to be a story full of angst.

Characters 18/20 – I could really tell how Hyemin was so depressed and lonely. Everything reminded her of Chanyeol. Also, you lack actions and emotions from Chanyeol. I feel like he should be more of a major character, unlike how you described him. When Hyemin and Chanyeol met again, I don't like how Hyemin reached. They haven't seen each other for two years, and she doesn't seem surprised or overjoyed at all.

❁“His natural hair was hayana brown with a few fine strands that were around the color of copper shimmer. He looked dashing with his natural hair that would shine under the bright summer sun.”should be,”His natural hair was hayana brown, with a few strands that were around the color of copper shimmer. He looked dashing as his natural hair shines under the bright, summer sun.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20 – Try searching for different pronouns, you start too many sentences with “She, his, that.” You also have many run-off sentences, like many other writers. You do really well at keeping one tense throughout the story. I noticed that you are really good spelling, barely no misspelled words at all. Just work on your grammar, and the way you transition throughout you story. I notice that your style of writing is rather straightforward, I suggest adding some absolute phrases, or branch sentences.

❁ “She felt as if she was dead when the blood in her body ran cold.” should be, “Hyemin felt as if she was dead, and the blood in her body ran cold.”

❁ “The pond was frozen with little cracks in the solid ice, there was a certain lotus trying to grow but it seems to be freezing together with the ice. The once beautiful lotus during summer was rotting.” should be,”The pond was frozen with little cracks in the solid ice. There was a certain lotus trying to grow, but it seemed to have froze along with the water. In the summer, the lotus was once beautiful, but now it was just rotting.

Enjoyment 4/5 – I really enjoyed reading this story. It was my first time reading a story with this topic. Although, I feel like you rushed the ending, and you didn't really give much detail about Hyemin meeting Chanyeol again.

Structure 4/5 – The paragraph spacing is a bit too big. Your paragraph spacings are too wide-spread, there are some that are too little, and then there are some that are too wide. The font size and color is perfect as it is.

Overall 66/85=78/100– The story itself is really good, but you have some grammar mistakes to fix. I also suggest slowing down your ending, and add more details and actions when Hyemin sees Chanyeol again.

Reply: First, I have to say, thank you for the detailed review!!! I understand that I have to work on my grammar but I have re-read the story several times and I just can't seem to change the sentence structure. I will change the grammar mistakes now so thank you for your help. I really like this review as it was helpful and it made me understand my writing style as well as the points I have to work in. Once again, thank you Bleu!