Bleu
Finished on 12/18/2013

The Unbreakable Series
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/466893/the-unbreakable-series-2min-angst-minho-sulli-taemin

About: Minho(SHINee)+Taemin(SHINee), , 2min, angst, Sulli, death, car accident

Title 4/5– The title is really relevant to the story. The title tells us readers that no matter what happens to Taemin and Minho, let it be a car crash or a love rival, they will always be together. Their love is eternal, nothing can break it. No one will ever be able to separate them. They are unbreakable. Well, that's what I think you're trying to so. The only thing about the title I didn't like is that, the word 'Series' is unneeded. I understand that you changed this story from a oneshot to a series, but I suggest either putting 'Series' in parentheses or something.

Foreword 8/10– The foreword gives us the right amount of information, not too little and not too much. The thing is though, it looks rather, well, it lacks uniqueness. To me, it looks like anything else in the story, its a plain paragraph, nothing special. I suggest putting it in diamond form, or go creative and change the format. Also, there are a few grammar mistakes such as...

❁”The presence of Sulli and Szara, a four-year-old girl, that worsens the situation with the unknown father. This series contains stories on how the couple hold their unbreakable bond.” should be,”The presence of Sulli and Szara– a four year old girl with an unknown father- threatens the relationship between Taemin and Minho from being unbreakable.”

❁”Summary: When unwanted things occur, their love stays unbreakable.” should be,”When unwanted things appear, their love stands unbreakable.”

Plot 20/20–This plot is amazing, it's not too cliché at all, and it drags the readers in every moment. I was completely entranced to this story, to the many twists and cliffhangers. The feeling of being the third-wheel, the feeling of being unnoticeable. I'm pretty sure everyone knows how painful that is, which is probably why the readers are so entranced to this story. I was really surprised by who Szara's father was, I had no clue whatsoever that it was going to be Taemin. There story is really organized and planned-out. There are parts where it is confusing, but I think you planned it out to highlight the twists and cliffhangers.

Characters 18/20– You did a really good job bringing out the characters. They all had different personalities, that didn't clash at all. You could really tell the somewhat unrequited love Taemin had. I felt like, everything revolved around Taemin, he was the main protagonist. You did a really good job with the twist you put in there–the fact that Szara is actually Taemin's daughter, and that Naeun gave Szara to her elder sister Sulli. Which led to the whole cycle of the story. Also, Minho, you really showed us readers that he truly loved Taemin in the end–not Sulli. Sulli was one of those 'perfect' girls, that's how I see her. She pretended that Szara was their daughter, and I feel like, that was to make Minho obligated to marry her. Overall, you did a really good job making the characters pop. I really wish you had some scenes with Taemin though. Like possibly having her appear, and giving us readers some foreshadowing of who the father was.

Grammar and Spelling 17/20– You try to use some high-level complex words, but sadly, there are a few words that don't seem to fit the sentence. Let's say you put a high-level word into a sentence, it has a nice ring to it, but it isn't relevant to the sentence at all. You have a low-amount of run-off sentences, which is really good compared to other stories. The only thing I didn't like was that, you sometimes put in too many details, and that overpowers the story itself. You also have a tendency of starting each sentence with a pronoun–which can be a curse and a gift. Some mistakes are...

❁ In chapter one,”Taemin gazed lifelessly at the starry night sky, his one hand holding tight a silvery shiny locket as he swung it around.” should be,”As Taemin gazed lifelessly at the starry, night sky, one of his hands swung around a silver, shiny locket.”

❁ In chapter one,”Sulli was his best friend but they got into a huge fight two years ago, which was truly like a war. Taemin was really hurt by the time when Sulli announced to the whole school that she truthfully despised girlish male. Even though the statement was indirect, Taemin felt as if he was just slapped by his own best friend.” should be, ”Sulli used to be Taemin's best friend, but like a war, they got into a huge fight two years ago. Taemin's heart shattered at the time when Sulli had announced to the whole entire school that she truthfully despised girlish men. Even though the statement was indirect, Taemin felt as if he was just slapped by his own best friend.”

❁ In chapter one,”Sulli raised herself off the couch and stripped off her shirt. That act gave access for Minho to fully look at the small but fleshy s. There are finger marks on the s, which Minho assumed due to his hard grip when they were biting each other. Suddenly, the girl jumped off the couch, making her s bounced and Minho his lips.” should be,”Sulli raised herself off the couch, and stripped off her shirt. By doing so, it gave access for Minho to fully look at those small, but feisty-looking s. There were finger marks on the s, which Minho had assumed happened due to his hard grip when they were biting each other. Suddenly, the girl jumped off the couch, making her s bounce– which led to Minho his lips.”

Flow 12/15–The flow is really well-paced. There aren't any abstract time-changes or place-changes. Although, there are some time-changes that can confuse the readers. Like the time where you went two days past, if I hadn't read that note, then I would have assumed it was still the same time era–same thing when four months passed.

Enjoyment 4/5– I really loved this story, there were so many twists and cliff-hangers. I think the fact that this story revolved around being unnoticeable and loneliness makes readers entranced. I feel like, everyone, once in their lives, have had this feeling before–and I'm pretty sure no one likes it. Due to this, the readers are more entranced and will understand the characters emotions more. Good job on this story, but the bad fact is, there were some confusing parts that I didn't like.

Structure 4/5– Your punctuation and apostrophes are perfectly fine as it is. The only thing I didn't like is your paragraph spacings. I feel like two-spacings is just enough for a story. If a story has more than two-spacings, it feels overwhelming to the readers.

Overall 87/100–Really good story, amazing plot. Also, you have many twists and cliff-hangers that drag the readers into the story. Just a few mistakes here and there, but they are really easy to fix.

Reply: Thanks for the review, Bleu. ^^ I like it because finally, someone understand (though a little confusions) of my story. You get all of the things that I'm trying to tell in the story. Sorry for the confusion. I tried hard to get everything explained in the second story. About the structure, I don't know why, when I copied from Microsoft Word to the Add Chapter, the spacing enlarge. I'll fix them when I have time. Thank you, anyway! Love it. <3. Okayyy. Thanks for the review. I like your shop! ^^