Ahri
Finished on 11/8/2013

Peek Inside
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/576495/peek-inside-angst-fluff-romance-exo-kyungsoo

About: D.O (Exo)+OC, romance, fluff, new school, tutor, friend's suicide

Title: 5/5 The title is original, fun, and sweet. It gives off an innocent, curious look to the story.

Foreword: 7/10 The foreword, description, and character list is very neat, but they have a few grammar mistakes. I love the cute little poem you wrote at the top. It shows the light fluff of the story. The plot summary you provided is all in past tense, but I prefer plot summaries in present tense. It is not wrong, but it just looks weird and poorly written. The characters whose info you left blank at the bottom should either be filled in or gotten rid of because leaving them there makes your story look like a draft.

Plot: 18/25 Very cliché. You threw in the tutoring part to try to even out Hae Ra's and D.O's rocky relationship, but all it did is make your story more cliché that it already is. First of all, why is Hae Ra, out of the other kids in the school, chosen to be his tutor? Especially since she's new to the school unless the principal is planning to help her make new friends through this. If so, then you should write that down in your story because at the moment, it seems like the principal and the father are just matchmakers trying to get those two together. Also, the Ice-Breaking event came out of nowhere. It just popped up one day, and Kyungsoo and Hae Ra just happens to be paired up together. If the Ice-Breaking event is a planned thing, the students would be talking about it everyday, and Hae Ra would know about it immediately the first day she arrived at the school. I think that her and Kyungsoo being paired up together is just too much of a coincidence. You should pair Hae Ra with another guy or Kyungsoo with another girl. Also, as soon as the event arrived, it also disappeared. Afterwards, no one spoke of it. No one gossiped about Kyungsoo being stood up or anything. You should provide some details, showing Kyungsoo's humiliation and how the event went after Hae Ra left.

Characters: 20/25 Kyungsoo fell in love way too early with just one or two interactions with Hae Ra, and Baekhyun seems to trust and think highly of Hae Ra even though she's new, and they never met before. Literally, you did not write any interaction between Baekhyun and Hae Ra, so they are complete strangers. Since Kyungsoo is apparently suffering from heartbreak, he would not fall in love that easily. Although, I love how Kyungsoo is a sweet gentleman instead of a arrogant playboy rich guys are usually portrayed as.

Grammar and Spelling: 12/20 I noticed after you used commas and periods, you wouldn't put a space to seperate the comma/period and the word next to it. It's really confusing for the readers. Like many other writers, you keep on switching from past tense to present. If you are confused about whether a word is present or past, try searching it up online. You also keep on connecting sentences with a comma. Try using either a semi-colon or a period to connect full sentences. Your sentences also don't really make sense sometimes because you used vocabulary that you obviously are not used to. I can tell English is not your first language because you made it seem really broken. I suggest you read over your story to get rid of the really small mistakes that I left alone, like an extra letter in a word. Of course, the mistakes I pointed out below are not the only ones. There are more, but if I listed everyone of them, this review would take up two pages.

In chapter one, "Hae Ra immediately headed to the building’s roof to spend another times there, not for the first time" should be "Hae Ra immediately headed to the building's roof, deciding to spend her break there as usual"
2. "She stared at Hae Ra’s emotionless face,waiting for a response,”I miss you,” should be "She stared at Hae Ra's emotionless face, waiting for her to say "I miss you."
3. "...maybe that made us to be friends" should be "...maybe that made us want to be friends"
4. "Her hands got tensed..." should be "Her hands were losing their strength..." since the original sentence doesn't sound right.
5. "...they was a cold-looking girl walked..." should be "...a cold looking girl walked..."
6. "...smiling shyly and rubbed his forehead." should be "...smiling shyly and rubbing his forehead."
In chapter two, "It’s never his own willing to feel..." should be "He never meant to make himself feel..."
2. "...tapping her feet hardly..." should be "...tapping her feet with much strength..."
3. "So a person a visited..." should be "So somebody visited..."
In chapter three, "But you made me down..." should be "But you let me down..."
2. "...the luxury and infamous school..." should be "...the luxurious and famous school..."
3. "...spilled out his worried and words..." should be "...expressed worry over his school performance..."
4. "...she’d been not reading..." should be "...she'd not been reading..."
In chapter four, "...some of them pushing their chair..." should be "...some of them pushed their chair..."
2. "...he couldn’t see even an inch of her..." should be "...he couldn't find her at all..."
3. "...his hand slowly getting closer to touch..." should be "...his hand slowly got closer to touching..."
4. "...and second,”See ? I’m good at English,” should be "...second, his grades weren't perfect. "See? I'm good at English."

Flow: 10/15 Everything just seemed so random and out of place. Kyungsoo approached Hae Ra too early and then fell in love so randomly. She'd never done anything special, and she's even cold and distant. The tutoring also arrived too fast. The school should give her some time to settle in - like a month or two - before telling her to tutor someone. The Ice-Breaking event is the main problem that threw off your flow. I hate how it's so sudden and unexplained.

Overall: 82/100 The flow is too fast, the events are too sudden and unexplained, the grammar needs some looking-over, and the plot is too cliché. However, you did do a good job highlighting the soft fluff and friendship making in the story. Your characters are portrayed as innocent, sweet, and full of young energy. Good job.

Reply: Thanks for the review! :D