Ahri
Finished 12/29/2013

The Ice Princess & Her 12 Suitors
https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/559152/the-ice-princess-her-12-suitors-arrangedmarriage-comedy-romcom-supernatural-exo-exok-exom

About: Exo+OC, romance, comedy, supernatural, princess, royalty, arranged marriage, suitors, alternate universe

Title: 4/5 I really dislike these types of title, but since your story is a comedy, it's fine. The only thing is that the number has to be written out in literature, so 12 would be twelve.

Foreword: 7/10 In your second paragraph, there are a bunch of run-on sentences. It should be 'This is also no ordinary world that you live in. Here, everyone is...' and 'You, the princess, have the power of wisdom and intelligence. You also have a third power, but that third power...' In the last paragraph, the last sentence should be 'However, being the bunch of quirky dorks they are, how will they use their powers to seduce you, the ice princess?' Anothing thing, the author note should be at end of everything, except maybe credit. Also, this is my own personal opinion, but the character information should be in the foreword, not description.

In the description of Exo, "...but when combined, make the most peculiar bunch you would have ever come across." should be ',,,but when combined, they become the most peculiar bunch you have ever come across.'
2. "...you will eventually pick one and get married, you, however, find them extremely annoying..." should be '...you will eventually pick one and get married. You, however, find them extremely annoying...'

In your description of Park MiNa, "...you don't take things for granted are the opposite of greedy." should be '...you don't take things for granted and are the opposite of greedy.'
2. "You're beautiful and are capturing the attention of almost every male that you walk past, even some within the palace castle itself, however, none of them are doing it for you, or, actually no one." should be "You're beautiful, and you capture the attention of almost every male that you walk past, even the ones within the palace. However, you don't reciprocate any of their feelings.'
3. "Never been kissed. Never dated. And you yourself didn't mind even at 19 years old." should be 'You haven't kissed before, or even dated, and you don't mind, even though you're nineteen years old.'

At character descriptions, you shouldn't reveal their entire personality, because that gives away so much of the story. You should reveal it slowly bit by bit in the story. Also, character descriptions should be in present tense.

Plot: 17/20 While the whole arranged marriage thing is really cliché, I like how you give a another reason for it besides taking over the kingdom. I like MiNa has to marry to get her third power, but the one most cliché thing that really annoys me is that her mother died. This occurs in too many stories.

Characters: 16/20 MiNa seems a little bit mary-sue, except for thepart about her power being useless. The fact that she doesn't show any interest in man is actually kind of impossible. The only way it can be possible is that she had some kind of trauma as a kid, or she's simply too busy to feel love. Also, the fact that she is a princess but not spoiled should be explained. For example, was she raised in a specific way where she wouldn't get attached to power or wealth, but instead become kind and generous? Also, why would she tell Exo right away that her mother died? It should be kept unspoken until somebody asks, unless MiNa is proud of the fact that her mother died. Another thing is the fact that she's really beautiful and attracts the attention of every guy is really mary-sue.

Grammar and Spelling: 17/20 You have a lot of run-on sentences. Try to use semi-colons, periods, or conjuction words. Also, when ending dialogue, you should use periods unless it says 'she said' at the end. If it says that, use a comma. You also sometimes switch from present to past tense. Stay to one tense only. There are some times when you would switch the POV to first person.

In chapter one, "...classic stories of princesses acting as the damsal in distress whilst the knight in shining armour comes to save the day, and then they live..." should be '...classic stories of princesses acting as the damsels in distress whilst the knight in shining armour came to save the day, and then they lived...'
2. "...and the high palace walls limited you to seeing anything beyond it, resulting in you not wanting to step out of your comfort zone and be adventurous." should be '...and the high palace walls limited you from seeing anything beyond it, resulting in you not wanting to step out of your comfort zone and being adventurous.'
3. "Immediately, you began tidieng up and putting it..." should be 'Immediately, you began tidying up and putting it..'
4. "And the third one, well, you always wanted what your third power was ever since you were little, but to find a suitor first and then earn your power, heck, you'd rather go powerless since birth." should be 'And the third one, well, you always wanted to know what your third power was ever since you were little, but you had to find a suitorfirst and then earn your power. Heck, if you had to go through that much trouble, you'd rather go powerless since birth.'

In chapter three,
2. "Ah, mianhe, hyung" he apologised..." should be "Ah, mianhe, hyung," he apologized...'
3. "...but they're quite good in speaking Chinese too" should be "...but they're quite good at speaking Chinese too."
4. "A tall, golden haired boy who seemed remarkably handsome yet at the same time bad boy-ish typle." should be 'A tall, golden-haired boy who seemed remarkably handsome yet bad boy-ish at the same time said...'
5. "I have the ability to time control." should be 'I have the ability to control time.'

In chapter four, "...just the princess whose supposed to pick a suitable one..." should be "...just the princess who's supposed to pick a suitable one...'

Flow: 14/15 I feel that you give a day or two for the readers to get to know MiNa before Exo comes in instead of grouping them together in the same chapter.

Enjoyment: 4/5 I like the overall fluffiness and comedy, but I find the main character a bit mary-sue and unrealistic at times.

Structure: 4/5 For a phone conversation, even though it's nice that way, it shouldn't be in italic. You also shouldn't cross out words because that makes the story seem messy.

Overall: 83/100 MiNa seems too mary-sue and unrealistic. It's almost like she is a self-insert, like Bella Swan (but better). I like the overall fluffy plot, and the grammar and spelling are great, except for your run-on sentences and tense change. All you need to work on is characterization for MiNa.

Reply: Thank you so much for your review! Especially to Ahri for writing it, I appreciate it and ill definitely take in to account of what you said and improve on developing MiNa. Another thing, I dont mean to bash or discriminate but I would just like to point out that I spelt 'recognise' instead of 'recognized' because im from England and we simply spell it that way. But either way, thanks again & I have credited your shop!