Ahri
Finished on 9/27/2013

When I First Saw You
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/515558/when-i-first-saw-you-bts-bangtanboys-jungkook

About: Jungkook (BTS), you, fluff, romance

Title: 3/5 It is not very unique or eye-catching. If I see this when I'm searching up stories, I would ignore it and move on. A shorter title with more meaning would be better. For example, 'Sunday Afternoons', 'Bright Eyes', 'Summer Days', etc.

Foreword: 5/10 "The cafe is your sanctuary, the park is his." When connecting two sentences, you either use 'and' or a semi-colon. When using a semi-colon, you get "The cafe is your sanctuary; the park is his." This goes for the second sentence about your personalities as well. "Why was he drawing you?" Since you started the whole description off in present tense, this should be as well. Change 'was' to 'is'. "And why do you feel just a little more happy..." 'A little more happier' is better for this. Your description describes your story well and you just need to clean it up a bit. I, personally, would add information about the characters and their pictures but that is not needed. It just makes your story more interesting if you include basic information about the main characters.

Plot: 10/25 Your plot is very cliche and I've seen many fanfics like this. Your character befriended Jungkook rather quickly, considering that fact that he's a stranger and didn't anyone teach her stranger danger? He could be an insane murderer. This whole sketching the girl he likes is really cliche. I mean, just add a twist to it somewhere along the story.

Characters: 12/25 Jungkook is believable because he acts perfectly like the shy and easily flustered guy he's supposed to be. But you need to define how he met the main character and how he fell for her. The girl is...too friendly and trusting. She only knew him for less than a day and she is already admitting to him that she wants to trust him. She even agreed to go to the arcade with him without even knowing where he came from, what school he went to or goes to, what does he do for a living, and his family. You took their relationship too far too early.

Grammar and Spelling: 13/20 You only have a few mistakes. For instance, in the first chapter, you spelled Jungkook without the 'g' twice. In chapter two, "You were holding your usual bag of leftover pastries and let it swing with your arm." is one mistake. When connecting two sentences, the second sentence's verb should be in the same form as the first one. You have to either write "You were holding you usual bag of leftover pastries and letting it swing with your arm" or "You held your usual bag of leftover pastries and let it swing with your arm". In chapter three, "...sketch of a woman, older, decorating cupcakes..." should be "...sketch of an older woman...". That way, you don't have to use commas.

Flow: 5/15 The story went by too fast because the main character just met Jungkook and she's already asking him to go to the arcade.

Overall: 48/100 The plot is cliche and the story went too fast. You need to add some backstory before putting in any events. Like how did Jungkook find the main character?

Reply: Thanks for the review~!