Bleu
Finished on 12/28/2013

Be The Light
https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/582231/be-the-light-mafia-romance-shinhwa-humor

About: Shinhwa+Choi Hannuel(OC), action, drama, mafia, romance, humor, gangster

Title 4/5– Your title is really relevant to the story, but it lacks elaboration. I understand that Hannuel is like the light to Shinhwa. Whenever Shinhwa is with Hannuel, they can forget the fact that they are mafia men. Hannuel will light the path to freedom. The title has an eye-catching vibe to it, and its rare to see a title like this nowadays. The only thing I didn't like about your title, is that you didn't elaborate on it enough. There weren't really any moments where you actually made a comparison between Hannuel and light. I don't know if you were going to make a reference later on in the story, or you weren't going to at all. I suggest you give us readers a foreshadowing of Hannuel being the light. For example, a member of Shinhwa quotes about Hannuel lighting a path for them–or something along those lines.

Foreword 6/10– Your description is full of run-off sentences. Remember to always use commas. If you feel like you're writing a lot in a sentence, and there are no pauses when you say it out loud, then that's a run-off sentence. Although your foreword and description have a eye-catching presence, you don't give enough information. You tell us that Shinhwa is a team who work for the mafia, that is under the disguise of a mega-corporation. But one day, they have to look after a rockstar savant, that dresses as a fairy. But what about it? I feel like you have so much potential to really elaborate this description. By doing so, you could lead the readers into being entranced to the story at first sight. I suggest adding in the foreword a quote from the story, where Hannuel does a weird/interesting act. Such as when she kisses (or should I say ppoo-ppoo) everyone.

❁”Shinhwa is a team consisted of six highly-trained hitmen working for the most fearsome mafia clan under the facade of a business organization, the Choi Corporations. They deal with high-class criminals, drugdealers and kill people for a living but do they have what it takes to deal with a rockstar savant dressed as a fairy?” should be,”Shinhwa is a team consisted of six highly-trained hit men. They work for the most fearsome mafia clan–that is under the facade of a mega-business organization. The Choi Corporations. The six members deal with high-class criminals, drug dealers, and they are known for killing people for a living. But do they have what it takes to deal with a rock star savant–dressed as a fairy?”

Plot 18/20– I have a question but, in chapter four you mentioned that Hannuel has 300 billion won of assets. Then in chapter five you mentioned that Hannuel has 30 billion won of assets. Which is it? I can't put this plot in words actually, its so non-cliche that I can't even think of how to describe it. This plot is full of cliffhangers and twists. I had no idea that Hannuel would have such a major disease. This story is not cliché at all, I swear, this is the first time I've read a story anything like this. Its a mixture between sweet and spicy, the fluffy moments of the story, and the dark angst moments of this story.

Characters 17/20– The members of Shinhwa had so much potential in your first few chapters. As time passed though, you started clumping them together, they all don't have a unique personality anymore. I feel like there are some members who act the same, and they don't really have varied personality. Also, I really love how all of Shinhwa fall in love with Hannuel at first sight. I love how Hannuel isn't one of those 'perfect' girls, she's not even close to being cliché at all. Hannuel is a mentally-ill girl, who comes from a rich family. The thing is though, Hannuel is an illegimate child. Her dad is only keeping her for her assets.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20– You have a tendency of starting a paragraph with pronouns. Although it is a faster way than putting the noun itself, it can be confusing if you overwork it. If you keep using the same pronoun over and over, sometimes the readers will be wondering to themselves. Who is the author talking about? Also, have you tried finding synonyms for actions? I noticed that you like to use got, went, headed, etc. I think you should elaborate more on these verbs. It could lead to your writing to seem more, well, high-leveled. Also, you have a few run-off sentences every now and then. You did an amazing job on spelling, except for a few compound words. You have a habit of putting compound words together, when it shouldn't be, like hit men and drug dealer.

❁ In chapter five,”He reached out of the two plastic bags labeled Chicken Mania that were on the passenger seat and got out of his car. He made sure he got the BBQ flavor since this was the only thing that can keep him sane for now. He locked his car. Then with a heavy heart, he entered the facility.” should be,”Eric reached out to the two plastic bags–labeled Chicken Mania–that were on the passenger seat, and climbed out of the car. He made sure he got the BBQ flavor, since that was the only thing that can keep him sane at that moment. Eric locked his car, then with a heavy heart–he entered the facility.”

❁ In chapter four,”Shinhwa is a team of highly trained hitmen who had murdered countless of people for the past 15 years. They weren't exactly the most civilized people out there but a mentally ill woman? That was just low even by their standards.” should be,”Shinhwa is team of highly-trained hit men who have murdered countless people, for the past 15 years. They weren't exactly the most civilized people out there, but it sure beats a mentally ill woman. That was low even with their standards.”

❁ In chapter three,”Her stance was slow so he managed to evade all her attacks although with some difficulty because he was still holding a cup half-filled with water and had to make sure he was well balanced to prevent the liquid from spilling.” should be,”Hannuel's stance was slow, so Dongwan managed to evade all of her attacks–although with some difficulty. He was still holding a half-filled cup with water, so he had to make sure he kept his balance, or else there will be spilled liquid everywhere.”

Flow 15/15– The flow is amazing. Your story is really organized and neat. I like how you covered everything in this story. You also had many twists and cliffhangers, and you didn't leave the readers hanging for a while. You gave them an explanation the next chapter. Like about Hannuel's weird behavior in chapter one and two. I was really confused and curious about what was wrong with her, but you gave me a clear explanation in chapter three. Your story is really organized and the flow is perfect.

Enjoyment 5/5– I really enjoyed this story, it gave me the chills when I learned about Hannuel's brain disorder. I love how Hannuel's personality isn't cliché neither is mary-sue. The plot is perfect, and I've never seen anything like this. I also loved how Hannuel isn't one of those 'perfect' girls.

Structure 5/5– The paragraph spacings and font size is perfect. Nothing to complain about. Good job.

Overall 85/100– This story is really good, and there are many cliffhangers and twists. The plot and characters are no where close to being cliché. You just need to elaborate more here and there. Also, you have a tendency of using run-off sentences, and overdosing on pronouns and common verbs.

Reply: Dear Bleu, thank you very much for your review! It has definitely shed some "light" on me *coughs* sorry. Lame xD. Anyways, regarding the title, you're basically on the right track. I do plan on referencing her as their "light" but that will come on later part of the story. I feel like it's too early for me to do so because they only just met her. But thank you for the suggestion on foreshadowing the readers. I will come up with something for my next chapter. As for the foreword, omg I can't thank you enough for pointing it out! I knew something was off with my sentences but I didn't know what. Thank you very much for the amendment ;v; I wanted to put more descriptions but honestly, I didn't know what to add. I agree with putting a quote from the story. I'm going with your suggestion on the ppoo-ppoo scene lol. And yes, it's actually 300 billion won of assets. That's a typo you pointed out xD; Thank you for that. I didn't realized it even after going over for so many times. I'm really glad you liked Hanneul. I noticed a trend in AFF when it comes to OC so I thought of doing something different. I'm really happy that you like her^^ And I will try to work on the members' personality more. I have each member's personality in my head but I didn't know how to flesh them out. I was wondering if I should put in more events that could have the members react according to their personality...what do you think? Also, thank you for fixing some of the sentences and pointing out my repetition on pronouns and common verbs. English isn't my first language so I'm not sure if my sentences came off right or wrong. Well, it came off right to me lmao. But after seeing your example, I've an idea on how I should construct my sentences now. I really appreciate your inputs. Honestly, I didn't know about the run-off sentences, the compound words and the overuse of pronouns and common verbs. I will look up on the thesaurus more often from now on xD. Thanks again!^^ I've a few events in mind but I still need to work on the details so we'll see how it works out in the future chapter. And I've credited the shop in the foreword ^^