1 RaichuLove
❁The First Crimson Moon❁Katrina
Finished 12/1/2013
Finished 12/1/2013
Take Me Apart, Throw Me Away
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/436980/take-me-apart-throw-me-away-angst-oneshot-tragedy-kaisoo
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/436980/take-me-apart-throw-me-away-angst-oneshot-tragedy-kaisoo
About: Kai(Exo)+DO(Exo), oneshot, angst, tragedy, robot, character death, romance
Title: 4/5 The title seems a tad bit too long. While it relates completely to the story and is eye-catching, it’s too long. Try ‘Dissemble’, ‘Destroyed Creation’, or ‘Uncaring’.
Foreword: 10/10 The foreword is neat and gives a nice view of the plot without being too specific, and since this is a foreword, it doesn’t have to be very long or descriptive.
Plot: 20/20 I love it; the originality, the seemingly unrequited love, and the overall bitter sweetness of the story. The twist of Kyungsoo being a robot and him dying in the end brings the story from being cliché.
Characters: 19/20 Brilliant, the way you wrote out the characters, allowing us readers to feel a connection to them. I’m not sure about Kyungsoo and Taemin, the robots, having that many emotions, but this could be because Kai invented a new type of robot designed to have emotions like real humans. If so, I suggest you add that to the story to show his hard work and how he found something for humanity.
Grammar and Spelling: 19/20 Your grammar and spelling are nearly perfect except for a few mistakes. As for the bolded sentences, they are run-on sentences, but since they are song lyrics, I think? There is nothing wrong if they’re song lyrics, but if not, you should change the commas to semi-colons or periods.
In chapter one, “Hi, nbody, nothing important! I’m Taemin!” should be “Hi, nobody, nothing important, I’m Taemin!”
2. “Don’t heartache for me…” should be “Don’t feel hurt for me…” Or anything like that, because heartache is a noun, so it can’t be used that way.
Enjoyment: 5/5 You are able to bring this story to life and give readers feelings of sadness and happiness at Kai realizing he was too late to save Kyungsoo. I enjoyed this story particularly, maybe because I like angsts.
Structure: 4/5 The spaces between each paragraph is a bit too much. Just two ‘enters’ on your keyboard are enough, because it looks like you have three. Also, I prefer the bolded sentences to be in Italic, but if you like it bolded, its fine.
Overall: 81/85=95 Amazing story with the right amount of details, angsty moments, and small romantic sides to give readers the idea of a beautiful story of a robot’s seemingly unrequited love for his master.
Reply: Thank you for this review! And yes, the bolded words were song lyrics. I just didn't know how to add them into the story. But again, thank you for this review.”
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