Bleu
Finished on 2/7/2014

Talking Melody

https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/626222/talking-melody-hoya-oneshot-bittersweet

About: Jung Haewon(OC)+Hoya(Infinite), oneshot, bittersweet, chaser, song, musicnotes, melodic

Title 2/5–I guess your title is somewhat relevent to the story. It would make sense to believe that if you had perfect pitch, and you could tell which note is being played in a melody, that a melody is practically talking to you. The idea of Hoya and Jung Haewon being able to figure out which note is being played is the center attention of the whole story, a little bit too focused, since your story lacks plot and character development. Another thing is, I don't really feel like the title is that interesting, nor is it eye-catching. It's just so, random, compared to other titles that if I were to being scrolling around, and saw this title, I would feel like this story was rather, weird-looking? I suggest changing the title to something more relevent to the atmosphere of your story, your story is a nostaligc, depressed theme.

 

Foreword 6/10–I feel like your description and foreword lacks information, there isn't much being talked about in your description. All you talk about is of “The Chaser”, but I'm sure there's more than that in your story right? You could have added some foreshadowings about Hoya and Jung Haewon. Also, another thing, when I first read your foreword, when you said that there are words hidden in tunes, were you referring to the note names? Or were you really referring to who these note names make up words? Also, I don't like how there are fonts in purple, I mean, it is creative to have fonts in a different color, but the color purple really doesn't, well, fit right with your foreword. Another thing I really didn't like is why is your foreword just an author note? There is a section for author note, so why not just put it there instead. Also, for your foreword section, I suggest talking a little bit more about Hoya and Jung Haewon's relationship, possibly give some foreshadowing. Another thing you could do is add a monologue, like have an important section of the story in there. As long as it doesn't give too much information though.

 

❁”Why was that supposed to be lucky?” should be,”How was that supposed to be lucky?”

 

The reason I had changed this sentence was because it was rather choppy, and it was rather misleading. I suppose the idea you were trying to make was, how was being able to read the words hidden in the tunes lucky? But because you used 'why' instead of 'how' it gave a completely different perspective. Remember, the word 'why' is asking for a reason, not a method of doing something, which in your case, is being able to read the words hidden in the tunes. On the other hand, the word 'how' refers to a method of doing something.

 

Plot 13/20–I noticed that you had explained what Hoya was doing later on in the story, but I wish you could have done it earlier. There were so many questions in my head, such as...What was the reason Hoya walked into the empty classroom? You didn't give much information of what he was doing there, besides from the fact he was hiding from the government, was he just thinking of all the things that have happened in the past? Or did he go there so he could listen to music alone, without any government interference. The ending is way too rushed, what was that? I felt like you just pretty much just rushed the ending. There wasn't anything exciting, and there was no transitions what so ever. I wished you could have slowed down a bit and relaxed. This story is full of holes, there are so many gaps in the story that you didn't bother to fill in. I wish you could have explained a lot more, I mean you started your story with a lot of details, but once you reached your and so on, it was all just rushed. There was no time for the readers to seep in what they were reading. Another thing is, when you said people could read the words of music, aren't you just referring to being able to recognize the notes. I kinda wish there was something more to it than that, like, there could have been a hidden message in each notes.

 

Characters 12/20–The characters, Hoya and Jung Haewon had no difference what so ever. It was if they were the same people, there was nothing exciting about them. Nor was there anything unique about them, besides from the fact they could listen to the words of music. Also, when you decided to change the point of view's between Hoya and Haewon, there was difference in their personality at all. It was more like you were just trying to narrate the story. Also, I feel like the characters lack description, there was no actual character development in the story at all. Also, it was rather blunt that you had Hoya die in the end. It was really unexpected, and I feel like you could have added a lot more detail in it. There was nothing exciting about the characters at all.

 

Grammar and Spelling 11/20–I noticed that you tend to have the setting as an ending-branch sentencing. You should always include the setting first before the actual sentence. The setting should always be a front-branch sentencing, not a middle-branch, not a ending-branch. Another thing is, you have a huge problem with changing the tenses from present to past in the same paragraph. There are also a lot of grammar mistakes where you simply use the wrong tense, like during Haewon's point of view, almost all of those sentences didn't quite make sense. Another thing is, you sometimes start a sentence with an action, such as,'Walked up' or 'Walked down', but you never included what the person was walking up or down of. Did you purposely do that? Or did you forget to do that? Another thing is, why did you put Infinite, as all capitals. I mean, it is a band name, but that doesn't mean it should be in all caps, it should just be capitalized.

 

❁”I walked up into one of the abandoned classrooms, in the middle of the night. It's dark, and safe from the Government.” should be,”In the middle of the night, I walked up the stairs, and into one of the abandoned classrooms. It's dark, and safe from the Government.”

 

The reason I had changed this paragraph was because there was some things that I thought I could change up a bit. For starters, I feel like since this is your very first paragraph, being your introductory paragraph, I think a front-branch would be better than an ending branch. After all, it is important to have your setting first. Another thing is, you mentioned that Hoya was walking up, but you didn't mention what.

 

❁”It has been years since music were disbanded. Kpop, Jpop, jazz, rap, hip-hop and so on and so on.. None of them were allowed. INFINITE had been disbanded by law. All of their music were taken from markets, and anyone who hid them will be killed instantly. So far, so many were killed. That included my hyung, his son, wife, and..Two of my friends, Myungsoo and Woohyun died. They died, protecting a traitor. You might had been curious, who am I? I was Hoya, INFINITE's rapper and main dancer.” should be,”It had been years since music was disbanded. Kpop, Jpop, jazz, rap, hip-hop, and so on... None of them were allowed anymore. Infinite had been disbanded by law. All of their music was taken away from the markets, and anyone who tried to hide them would be killed instantly. So far, so many have been killed. That included my hyung, his son, wife, and...Two of my friends, Myungsoo and Woohyun had been killed/died. They were killed/died, trying to protect a traitor. You might be curious but, who am I? I used to be Hoya, Infinite's rapper and main dancer.”

 

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because it had a lot of wrong tenses, there are a lot of times where you start with a present tense, and then go to past tense, the other way around as well. Also, whenever you do '…' you should always use the number three. Did you know three was a magic number? It is not too little, nor is it too much. Also, when you said that Myungsoo and Woohyun died, could you go into more detail? Were they killed by the government? Or did they die by natural causes? The reason I put a slash is based on your own perspective, since I personally don't know which one you meant.

 

❁”I walked down the snowy night, hoping to survive the deafness. Before, the streets were so beautiful in Christmas. Streets were filled with sweet carols, children screaming happily, playing with the snow. People are going here and there, chatting and smiling. Beautiful, soft, orange lights filled the area. Now, the streets are dark. No more songs I can hear. No more words. No more children.” should be,”On a snowy night, I walked down the streets, hoping to be able to survive the deafness. Before, the streets were so beautiful during Christmas. Streets were filled with sweet carols, children playing with the snow, screaming happily. People were everywhere, chatting, smiling. Beautiful, soft, orange lights filled the area. But now, the streets were nothing but dark. No more songs could be heard. No more words. No more children.”

 

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because it had a lot of misleading sentences. First thing is, you didn't mention what Haewon was walking down of, and technically, you can't use 'in' for Christmas. Since Christmas isn't an object, you have to use the word 'during' because it's a event. Also, some of your sentences just don't make much sense.

 

There are more mistakes, but they aren't as huge as the others, mainly, they are just one-sentence ones, but those are really confusing as well. The reason I didn't want to correct them all was because clearly, if I corrected them all, you wouldn't have learned anything. I don't feel obligated to correct them for you.

 

Enjoyment 2/5–I personally didn't like this story that much, it was too confusing, since you kept using the wrong tense, I couldn't tell if you were talking about the past or present. Nor did I really understand what you were trying to say. Expecially during Jung Haewon's point of view. Also, I felt like your plot development was just way too rushed at the end, there was no good ending details, nor were there any falling action. Your story had way too many holes, and I felt like if you were going to have Hoya die in the end, it would have been better if had added more details.

 

Structure 4/5–I feel like the beginning few paragraphs before the horizontal lines was a bit too inconsistent, you had italacized paragraphs, which I believe was a bit, un-called for. There isn't really a reason why they should be italacized. Instead of them being italacized, you should just keep it with some in gray font, and some in black. Also, it kinda irritates me with the different font sizes, is there really a proper reason why they are different? Another thing I found disturbing was the way you wrote POV's, when you changed POV's, you did write the person's name, but it didn't stick out at all. I suggest either making it bigger and bolding it, or some how make it look different than the rest.

 

Overall 50/85=58/100–I felt like your story lacked a lot of plot and character development, there was nothing exciting about it, and there were barely any events. Another thing is, the moral of this story was really weak, I mean, you had a lot of potential with music being banned and everything, but there was no twists or cliffhangers at all. Another thing is, you keep using the wrong tense, and you had a lot of holes in your story. Your story pretty much lacked a plot line the whole story.

Reply: Pick it up already, thank you for the honest review.