1 DivineDionne
❁The First Crimson Moon❁
Bleu
Finished on 1/21/2014
The Moon Spirit
About: infinite, myungyeol, woogyu, yadong, 4evralonesungjong
Title 4/5– The title is eye-catching and not cliché at all. It is a little bit mary-sue, but not super mary-sue. Also, I like how the 'Moon Spirit' appears in every single chapter. I love how the Moon Spirit was the center in every novel, although I wish you gave more information about him, like, where did he come from? And why was he there in the first place? Is everyone able to see him? Or is it just special people. Also, I love how the Moon Spirit was just one person, although the couples never met in real life all at the same time, they are all connected by one thread. The thread to the Moon Spirit. They have all made a wish to him.
Foreword 8/10– The foreword is short and simple, for some reason, it really caught my eye. You gave the perfect amount of information, not too little, not too much, just right. The only thing I didn't like is the run-off sentence you started your description with. Also, if you vice-verse your second sentence, I think it would sound better, and it would give a better introduction to your dialogue. I'm a little confused on what you mean by 'child of man', are you referring to like, child of god, or like child of creator, something like that? Also, I like how your quote really represents the story. It has the phrase 'moon' from your title. It also talks about a cerulean blue butterfly, which I feel is the symbolism in your story. The phrase 'child of man' appears once again, I'm assuming you based your foreword on this quote? Or you were super lucky and found a quote this relevant (giggles). I realized that this story isn't going to be those, high-society, high-school related, preppy schools. Instead, it's more of a mythological, fantasy, genre. Which for one, I'm kinda excited for, you don't see these around much anymore. I really like how you were able to introduce this idea to me without having to say it straightforwardly.
❁”His brilliant and piercing blue eyes stared into their stoles as his cerulean blue butterfly wings spread wide behind him. A smile took hold of his lips as he tilted his head to the side. “Is this your wish?” should be,”His brilliant, piercing blue eyes stared into their stoles, as his cerulean blue butterfly wings spread wide behind him. As he tilted his head to the side, a smile took hold of his lips. “Is this your wish?”
The reason I changed this was simply because it was full of run-off sentences. If you tried to say these sentences out loud, you would notice that you're talking a lot and there are no pauses. A bit overwhelming right? Also, I feel like by having his head titling before a smile taking a hold of his lips would be a way better introductory to your dialogue.
Plot 18/20– I love the foreshadowing you gave us in the first few paragraphs. When Myungsoo made sure the dog didn't touch his skin, it opened up many pathways, each leading to a different answer. What was Myungsoo? What made it that if someone touched his skin, they would forget about him? I think you rushed a little bit when Myungsoo told Sungyeol his secret. A wish isn't something for free, a wish is an equivalent trade. For someone to gain a wish, the other mush gain something as well. That is what I had learned from your story. I really love how you ended it. When Myungsoo told Sungyeol his secret, I felt like it was way too rushed. I wish there was more description, or at least Sungyeol being confounded of this newly secret he had heard about. I really wanna know what Sungyeol wished for from the Moon Spirit. Does it have anything to do with Myungsoo's 'condition'? I'm really confused...Like. How does the Moon Spirit have anything to do with it? I love the twist you made, I was certain Sungyeol died from falling down, but instead, Myungsoo was selfless and grabbed him which lead to saving him. Your ending was beautiful, and deep. Sungyeol's notebook was so emotional, and Myungsoo talking in comparison made it even better.
Characters 18/20– I like how in the first few paragraphs you gave us a hint of who Myungsoo really was. It made me wonder, what was Myungsoo? Why will people forget him if they touch his skin. I feel like Myungsoo has a soft and bitter side to him. This is represented when someone made a sound, Myungsoo was like, 'who dares to ruin my time'. But when the dog appeared, he quickly soften. I feel like Myungsoo is scared to close with people. Which really makes me love his character even more. As for Sungyeol, he's the guy that just can't turn his back from a friend. I feel like the reason Myungsoo told Sungyeol was too weak, I wish it had more moral. Sungyeol has a really mysterious background it seems, I feel like Myungsoo and Sungyeol is a little bit too mary-sue. What did Sungyeol wish to the Moon Spirit? I really love how both Myungsoo and Sungyeol was selfless. They each wanted to remember each other until the end, but of course, Myungsoo couldn't let Sungyeol die. He had no choice but to save him, leading him to lose his memories.
Grammar and Spelling 17/20–You have a major tendency of writing run-off sentences, a hint to finding run-off sentences is by merely saying your sentences out loud. If you feel like you're talking a lot and you haven't paused in a while, that is clearly a run-off sentence. Make sure to avoid using the word 'and' or 'but' or any conjunctions without a comma before them, after all, they usually lead to run-off sentences. There are times where I wish you could well, 'spice' up your sentences. Add some emotional words, words that are more spontaneous, like the quote in your foreword. Make your sentences pop out more. In paragraph 6-8 in chapter one, you overused the word 'Myungsoo'. I suggest adding pronouns where you can. Where you have it, it's just Myungsoo over and over again, really boring right?
❁”He closed his eyes as he savored the beautiful feeling of silence of the world—only hearing the occasional rustle of the leaves as it fell from its branches. Autumn was a good season and it was Myungsoo's favorite because it always reminded him of change—of rebirth.” should be,”He closed his eyes as he savored the beautiful feeling of having silence in this world—only capable of hearing the occasional rustling of the leaves as it fell from its branches. Autumn was a good season, and it was Myungsoo's favorite of all, after all, it always reminded him of change—of rebirth.”
The reason I had changed this paragraph was because it felt like it was missing something, it felt like it was missing an important element of writing. First thing off, the phrase 'of silence of the world', does that really make sense? Whenever I say it, and trust me I've said it a bunch of times trying to see if it made sense or not, but every time I said it, it always felt like it was lacking something. Lastly, I wanted to add some 'spice' to your paragraph. For me, it felt like it lacked luster, it lacked interesting words.
❁”A small sigh of satisfaction escapes from his pale lips as opened his eyes and stared at the stars that were slowly starting to appear in the sky.” should be,”A small sigh of satisfaction escaped from his pale lips. As he opened his eyes, he stared at the stars above him; that were slowly starting to illuminate in the sky.”
The reason I had changed this paragraph was because it was too choppy. First things first, you wrote 'his pale lips as opened his eyes', uhh, I'm pretty sure you either forgot a word here, or you were thinking of something else. Next thing is that you lack pauses in this sentence, I couldn't think of an idea to keep it all just one sentence, so I had no choice but to split it in two, I hope you don't mind that though.
Enjoyment 4/5–This story is beautiful, it's so emotional and deep. The only thing I didn't like was how did the Moon Spirit have anything to do with Sungyeol and Myungsoo? Also, what was Sungyeol's wish. I really love how at the ending, Myungsoo's words and Sungyeol's notebook correspond with each other. It was as if they were talking as one, and not just two. Your grammar and spelling is perfect, just mistakes here and there lol. Also, your writing style made me feel as if I was in Myungsoo/Sungyeol's shoes. Their personalities were really vivid and different.
Structure 5/5– I like how you italicized the word 'dared' in your first few paragraphs, it really let us readers see a glimpse of Myungsoo's personality. It also give a bit of emotion to the piece. I like how you made sure to have the events about the past different than the rest. It made sure no one was to be confused with what's going on currently. Your paragraph spacings, font size, font color, font type, is perfect as the way it is.
Overall 74/85=87/100– Your story is deep and emotional. I find the moral was weak, when Myungsoo suddenly told Sungyeol his secret. Also, I have no clue what Sungyeol's wish was. I feel like the Moon Spirit is more of an extra, there isn't like, major events with him. Except everyone asks a wish from him. Also, you have a major tendency of using run-off sentences. I really like how your story pretty much revolves around the Blue Butterfly, and the Moon Spirit.
A/N– This review is mainly based on the first chapter, since I feel like this is more a collection, cause the only thing that connects these shippings together is the fact that they all make a wish to the Moon Spirit. If you wish for me to review the other three then please do request again!
Reply: I've read the review and it's fine, I don't need a redo so don't stress so much :D Haha yeah, I agree with you I do have a problem with run-off sentences, I'm still working on it :) I've also read the other review and yeah hahah I agree it's a bit all over the place since it's just a ball of randomness :) Anyway, I'll post up the credit a little bit later :) Thanks so much for the review :D
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