Bleu
Finished on 2/2/2014

Gifted Time

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/618614/gifted-time-angst-contest-family-exo-luhan-lay

About: angst, family, exo, luhan, lay, time

Title 5/5– The title is short and eye-catching. It is also not that cliché, and it is really relevant to the story. The thing I don't really like about is that it doesn't really sound right. I feel like there are a bunch of other options to be a title in this story. I just feel like the phrase 'Gifted Time' is really, incomplete. You lack a basic element of literature. I like how relevant this is, how Yixing doesn't have much time left for him, and all Luhan wants to do is tell him what his existence is for.

 

Foreword 7/10–The foreword doesn't give off too much information, nor does it give off too little foreword. Okay, this sentence,'Instead of talking about us, I devoted myself to spread a story about Yixing.' I'm not quite sure what you meant about this? I mean, if you were talking from Luhan's perspective than it would make sense. But then you talked about Luhan in a third-person manner. So I'm really curious, what do you mean by 'us'. And who is this 'I'? It couldn't be Lu Fei An because you talked about her in a third-person manner as well. Are you trying to be speaking from Jaemi's perspective? If so, if you had included it in the character sections, it would have been clearer. In the foreword, you decided to use the column format. Usually, there is supposed to be a picture by it so it wouldn't look lonesome. Is there some way for you to do that? About your grammar and spelling now, there are times where you forget to space after a comma. Also, I feel like you're overusing the pronoun 'He'. Is there some way for you to mix it up and sometimes have Luhan, and the some other times you have 'He' or some other pronoun? I noticed that you used the British American, or Old English, way to write 'neighbours' and 'metres'. I suggest putting a author note so no one will think that you miss spelled it.

 

❁”Separation and death are known as the most inevitable and agonizing events. Sometimes they are unexpected and the pain is incurable. The moments when we were together and the years that we have been through. Everything is priceless. Everything makes it hard for a person to say goodbye.” should be,”Separation and death are known as the most inevitable and agonizing events. Sometimes they are unexpected, and the pain is incurable. The moments when we were together, and the years that we've been through. These simple acts can't be given a price. These simple acts make it hard for a person to say goodbye.”

The reason I changed this paragraph was because I felt like it was a bit too choppy, there were a few sentences which lacked a few elements of literature. Also, I'm assuming you didn't notice but between the words 'agonizing' and 'events' you double spaced on accident. Another thing is, I feel like if you added a bit more repetition, it would sound a lot better. Also, you have many run-off sentence, although they aren't critical, they are still run-off sentences, a major taboo in literature. I don't know why, but the phrase,'The years that we've been through,' just doesnt sound right to me. Is there some way for you to change it up a bit?

 

❁”He traipsed along the way to his home with some tangerines in a black plastic on his right hand. He just came back from Madam Jaemi's house, one of his neighbours. Since she was moving out, Luhan kindly came to help. Unfortunately,Luhan never learned that Jaemi was his mother's nemesis.” should be,”He traipsed along the way to his home with some tangerines in a black plastic bag/box in/on his right hand. He had just came back from Madam Jaemi's house, one of his neighbours. Since she was moving out, Luhan had kindly volunteered to help. Unfortunately, Luhan never learned that Jaemi was his mother's nemesis.”

The reason I changed this paragraph was because it was rather choppy. I don't know if you had noticed but you had only wrote 'black plastic'. Are you talking about a black plastic bag? Or a black plastic box. The reason I re-wrote it like that depends on what you're thinking. If it was a black plastic bag, you would write in his hand. But if you were going for a black plastic box, then you would write on his right hand.

 

“But, I don't remember your mom being pregnant.”Jaemi doubted Yixing's sudden existence.” should be,”But, I don't remember your mom being pregnant.” Jaemi doubted Yixing's sudden existence.”

The reason I changed this sentence was because there was just something odd with your sentence formatting. The first thing is, you forgot to put a space after the apostrophe and before Jaemi. Another thing is, I noticed that you tried to justify this paragraph. The thing is though. When you justified it, it made this peticular sentence all spaced out. Is there some way for you to change it?

 

Plot 15/20–In chapter one you really lacked transitions. First thing first, the first few chapters I assume were talking about a moment in the past. You said that Lu Fei's husband died seven years ago, and Luhan was only one that time.So I'm assuming the time of place was when Luhan was around eight years old. I noticed you added like a symbol, which I was assume was the star on the keyboard. That time phase was when Chanyeol and Luhan was twenty years old this year. I feel like you really lack transitions. I really giggled when you wrote 'did someone mention about miracle in December'? Because this really makes me think of EXO's single. I really didn't like how rushed the ending was! All you did was just list the events in the end. Where's the description? The action? Wheres the rising action and resolution. It's as if you just lost inspiration.

 

Characters 18/20–I feel like Chanyeol's character wasn't that spontaneous. I notice that he's not one of the protagonists, but I feel like you grouped Chanyeol and Luhan up a bit. I like how you had a variety of characters, and they weren't perfect. I really like the twist you made of Yixing having a disease that needed surgery. His time was ticking, and Luhan wanted to help his only brother before time was out. Also, I like how Fei An had nemesis, she wasn't those mothers that literally everyone loved. And none-the-less, you had a Evil Queen in the story! Madam Jaemi, the way you added the word 'Madam' really brought the character out.

 

Grammar and Spelling 15/20–You have a tendency of writing run-off sentences, always remember, in common cases, you should always put a comma before 'and' or 'but'. These are conjunctions afterall. A way to figure out of you're sentence is a run-off is by simply reading it out loud. If you feel like you're talking a lot, and there is no pauses what so ever, than that is a run-off sentence. A way to correct a run-off sentence is by adding conjunctions and have a comma right before it. Usually, people just forget to put the comma that's all, but there are just rare cases where people forget the conjunction as well. Also, I've noticed you have a habit of forgetting the space after a comma, or apostrophe. Another thing is, I noticed that your story is justified, there are times when it messes up on its own, and it increases the spaces between the words. Lastly, is there any way for you to remove the links below some of your words?

 

❁”Your son is a nice boy, Fei ah. Furthermore, he had no idea about Jaemi, am I right?”Principal Park said...”Well, if Luhan didn't ask you anything, so there's nothing you have to worry about.” should be,”Fei-ah, Your son is a nice boy. Furthermore, he had no idea who Jaemi was in the first place right?” Principal Park said...”Well, Luhan didn't ask you about anything suspicious right? So there's nothing you have to worry about.”

The reason I changed this paragraph was because it was rather choppy, and there were some minor grammar mistakes. First thing first is, you're supposed to put a dash between Fei and ah. That way, it would sound like it's supposed to be connected. Another thing is, you forgot to put a space after the apostrophe. The rest of your sentences is really choppy, they don't really make sense.

 

❁”It had been years now, Luhan and Park Chanyeol; Principal Park Minju's son already made the orphanage as their second home. Both of them were officially 20 this year, and Park Chanyeol already celebrated his birthday last month. Like their mothers, they had been friend since elementary school until now. Taking the same major in the same college made them even closer like brothers.” should be,”Many years have past from then, Luhan and Park Chanyeol–Principal Park Minju's son–had already made the orphanage as their second home. Both of them were officially twenty this year, and Park Chanyeol had already celebrated his birthday last month. Like their mothers, they had been friends since elementary school. They both are majoring the same major, in the same college, which made them even closer, almost like brothers.”

The reason I had changed this paragraph is because it lacked the right elements of literature, also your sentences were a little choppy and messy, and it seemed really un-organized. First thing first, the phrase,'it had been years now', didn't really sound right when you say it out loud. Another thing is, a semi-colin is supposed to connect the dependent clause to the independent clause. So instead, you should use a dash. Also, when you write peoples ages, usually, you would spell them out and not use the number itself.

 

Flow 9/15–Like I said in the plot category, there wasn't much transition between the past and the present in chapter one. You first mentioned that Luhan was eight years old, and that was for about like a fourth of the chapter. Later on, you put a symbol, and then you said that Luhan and Chanyeol was now twenty years old this year. I feel like you lack transitions. Another thing is your ending chapter, what the heck was that? Did you just literally lose inspiration in your story? At the very least, you could have made it more interesting. Where's the details? Your ending is just way too rushed.

 

Enjoyment 3/5–This story was like a mixture of sweet and spicy to me, there were some really good moments that I loved, and there were some really bad moments which I couldn't understand why you did it. I felt like you did an amazing job at describing the events throughout the story, the only thing that you didn't do well was transitioning. I mean, you barely put any information when Luhan went from eight years old, to twenty years old. Lastly, your ending was way too rushed! Did you like give up or something? What happened?

 

Structure 2/5–I feel like your overdosing on those italacized sentences. It's really good to have italacized sentences, matter of fact, but using italacized sentences it shows a really mature literature skill. The important fact is, it is actually pretty hard to determine where you should italacize. In your case though, you tend to overuse it, there are some sentences that don't need to be italacized. About your last chapter, it looks like you didn't even bother to write it neatly. All you did was list the events, if I were you, I would have changed the font, made it smaller, and add some more style. I mean it is the ending paragraph.

 

Overall 74/100–Your story was full of really deep moments. This story really taught me something, your time on Earth isn't infinite. Time is ticking slowly by slowly. I like how this story didn't have the usual love in it. Instead, it was about a family trying to support each other. I really didn't like your ending, it was way too rushed and I feel like you could do so much better compared to your other chapters. Also, you have a habit of forgetting to put a space after a comma or an apostrophe.

Reply: oh ho Bleu, you really got me ~_~ ahahah... everything you said were true including what i've done with the ending. if i have time, i wanted to re-do this fic but idk. Since English my second language, i'm lacking a lot of things ~_~ XD so yeah. Somehow, I'm glad that you felt something about the story even though a little. yOu know, actually i realized that my story is lacking of transitions but then i have no time to re-do it. I was like, i just wrote what was on my mind at that time. i should think better ~_~ thank you so much :) oh ya, I credited already. :)