Ahri
Finished on 10/17/2013

LayBom Shots Feat 2nexo Pairings
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/559413/laybom-shots-feat-2nexo-pairings-bom-lay-kaiminzy-2nexo-surin-krisdara-laybom
Chapter 2: Beautiful Agony

About: Lay (Exo)+Bom (2ne1), romance, angst, death, vampire, kingdom, fantasy, collection

Title: 5/5 Since this is a collection of seperate oneshots, I'm assuming Beautiful Agony is the title of chapter two. It is a deep title that gives a feeling of sadness and longing. Perfect for the setting of your oneshot.

Foreword: 10/10 Neat and clean, it is perfect. Since this is a collection, character info is not necessary, but pictures are, and you added pictures of Lay and Bom. Nicely done.

Plot: 25/25 It's unique and well-written with reasonable events. I love how you explained the reason to Lay's cold heart and how he could stand killing one of his own kind. Adding the part about his father and how he murdered his pregnant wife who was accused of being an enemy fits right in. I wish you added what his wife did to be accused of being an enemy. I also love how you included the date for the past. It adds more depth and symbolism to the story.

Characters: 25/25 Good job with the characters. The King is the typical protective-of-his-kingdom kind and the prince's change into a cold-blooded ruler because of his lover's death is well explained. I love how you described his agony over her death.

Grammar and Spelling: 13/20 I'm afraid I would have to take some points off for the many mistakes I found. It seems you didn't proofread at all because there are many things out of place. You also switched from present tense to past many times. Sometimes you used commas instead of semi-colons in the sentences.

1. "...inhaling her sweet intoxication scent" should be "...inhaling her sweet, intoxicating scent."

2. "And right now and them..." should be "And right now and then..."

3. "He closed his eues, pain scored through his schest as he tried to block the pounding in his head." should be "He closed his eyes and pain soared through his chest as he tried to block the pounding in his head."

4. dissapeared is supposed to be spelled 'disappeared'

5. His heart, shattered, broken, and dead. should be 'His heart was shattered, broken, and now dead.'

6. You wrote 'you're' as 'your'.

Overall: 78/85= 91 (Since this is a oneshot, flow is not included). The plot and characters are well written and detailed, but your grammar and spelling are a bit off. I suggest you proofread your chapters before posting them.

Reply: WoW, thank u for the tip! Will credit you!”