2 StarlightSpirit
❁The First Crimson Moon❁Bleu
Finished on 2/5/2014
Baby, Break Me Slowly
About: angst, drama, wooyeol, sungyeol, woohyun, infinite
Title 2/5–When I first saw this title, I felt like, was this going to be about a sadistic romance? Or is this going to be like a hardcore ? I personally feel like the title,”Baby, Break Me Slowly,” has absolutely nothing to do with the story. I understand that Sungyeol is slowly breaking down, having not eating in a while, he is slowly fading away, and soon will be nothing but just a body with an empty soul. But the fact that you added the word 'Baby' makes it seem like Sungyeol is talking to someone. I mean, it's certaintly not Woohyun breaking him? Or that's not what it seems in the story. I feel like you could have chosen a much better heart-breaking title than this one. Or just remove the word 'Baby'.
Foreword 5/10– I personally feel like your foreword lacks a lot of information, it doesn't give us more foreshadowing about what we're going to read ahead of us. The idea you used repetition really showed some high-level skills, but I feel like, it really lacks details. Also, it is a really bad excuse to have your foreword be more of an author note. You can have everything that is in your foreword currently in a whole different section, the author note. Instead of having your notes in the foreword, I suggest having a more detailed foreshadowing of the story we're going to read, than what you've already given us in the description. If you don't want to do this though, I suggest possibly adding a monologue in the foreword section? You know, where people give a short scene in the story so the readers will be more entranced to the story. Usually, this short scene helps foreshadows the story, cause personally, right now, your foreword and description, is pretty much just blank to me. There is nothing exciting about it, and it may be hard to see it, but the foreword and description is one of the few important parts in your story. Consider it as your back-cover, or the inside-cover, usually, when you first pick up a book, you tend to read it to see if it's interesting or not right? Well, your foreword and description is the exact same thing, if it isn't exciting, and it doesn't give any information, the readers won't like to read your story at all at first sight. Another thing is, I don't like how you pretty much gave away the plot of him having an eating disorder, I know that it could offend some people, but could you have just put a warning instead of having it in the foreword.
❁”But Woohyun doesn't want to fall for a boy who's fading away.” should be,”But Woohyun doesn't want to fall for a boy who will soon slowly fade away.”
The reason I had changed this sentence is because I felt like it could do so much better, and there was a few bumpy roads in this sentence. First thing first is, you said that Sungyeol is fading away, I'm pretty sure this story didn't star t with him immediately fading away did he? Instead, it should be that he would be fading away soon, not having being faded away immediately. Also, I feel like you could had added some more emotions at the end, since this was pretty much your only foreshadowing in your foreword, you should had added more details instead of putting it super straightforeword.
Plot 17/20–The first thing I noticed when I started reading your story is that you tend to write as if you were writing in the character's POV. You're not though, you're narrating the story. Like when you wrote sentences that started with the words,”anyway, yeah sure, etc.” You only use these words if it's in first person layout, but you're writing is in third person, so it's kind off out of your author input to use these words. I feel like you had a decent amount of twist and cliffhangers in your story, the only thing I didn't like that I felt like it was abit too cliché? I don't know if it's just me, but these types of story are really common. Having their loved one being on the brink of death, and the ending isn't one of those super sad, nostalgic ones, where the main character has made a resolve or something.
Characters 17/20–The only thing I didn't like about your characters is basically the way you made it confusing. There are times when you switched from first person to third person, which makes it really confusing for me to figure out who you're talking about, and who is talking currently. For example, when Sungyeol's brother was talking to his mother, you made it seem like his brother and Sungyeol had different mothers? Or is that true? I like how Sungyeol isn't those 'perfect' people, and I like how this story shows us a side that we, fans, do not see. Deep down, these down-to-earth Hallyu stars could be starving themselves to death, they aren't those perfect people, they all have their own flaws. I like how Woohyun and Sungyeol had such different personalities, they didn't group together at all.
Grammar and Spelling 16/20– You have a huge tendency of switching from first and third person tense. Sometimes you have Sungyeol talking about other people talking about Sungyeol, but instead of putting 'him' you put Sungyeol. Its like you first started with a third person, and then went into first person, and then finally into third person. Also you have times where you tend to either use the wrong punctuation at the end of dialogue, or you forget them. I feel like you have a lot of run-off sentences, and you hve a lot of paragraphs when it just never stops! There are no punctuations whatsoever, let alone any periods. Another thing is that you tend to list everything with an 'and' and not a comma, when you list stuff, and theres more than two, you should always use a comma, or even better a semi-colin.
❁”Infinite had just finished their first world tour and whilst it had been absolutely amazing to see the amount of fans that they had worldwide, the flying and touring and practicing and performing had been so tiring, so the group had been given a day to go and see their families and wind down a little. Sungyeol had kind of wished that he hadn't.” should be,”Infinite had just finished their first world tour, and whilst it had been absolutely amazing being able to see the amount of fans that they had worldwide; the flying, touring, practicing, and peforming had been so tiring. The group had finally been given a day to go and see their families and relax a little. Sungyeol on the other hand had kind of wished he hadn't took up the offer though.”
The reason I had changed this paragraph is because I felt like it was really bended the elements of literature algorithm. The thing is, your first sentence was a huge run-off sentence, and I had tried my best to fix it without interfering with your own writing style. Another thing is, you do know that there is a way to not write 'and' after every list right? You could do a comma, or you could do a semi-colin which is a lot better. Lastly, I feel like the last sentence was a little confusing and choppy. I mean, what didn't Sungyeol wish that he hadn't though? You don't give enough information about that matter at all.
❁”He had reconnected with cousins that were studying at university or marrying and having children and Sungyeol realised just how much he sort of regretted not letting himself have that chance. On top of that, whilst his mother never commented on the dark bags beneath his eyes or the way that he held himself as if he was ready to collapse with exhaustion at any given moment, he knew that his family did see it. He heard his brother say to his mother, in hushed tones “Isn't he looking so worn out” and he saw his mother shoot a concerned glance in the direction of Sungyeol, who was seated at the table picking at the already miniscule meal this his mother had cooked for him.” should be,”He had the opportunity to reconnect with cousins that were currently studying at university, or getting married and having children, and Sungyeol realised just how much he sort of regretted not letting himself have that chance. On top of that, whilst his mother never commented on the dark bags beneath his eyes, or the way that he barely held himself as if he was ready to collapse with exhaustion at any given moment. He knew that his family noticed though. He head his brother say to his mother in hushed tones,”Isn't he looking so worn out?” and he saw his mother shoot a concerned glance in the directino of Sungyeol, who was seated at the table picking at the already miniscule that his mother had cooked for him.”
The reason I had changed this long paragraph is because simply, it was full of run-off sentences, and there were lots of confusing parts. First thing is, when you wrote how Sungyeol saw his mother shoot a concerned glance in the direction of Sungyeol, that doesn't quite make any sense. Since you wrote in so many different persons. In this paragraph you gave an example of how many times you wrote from first person to third person. Another thing is, you forgot to add any punctuation when you wrote his brother talking. Lastly, you have a bunch of run-off sentences.
Enjoyment 3/5–This story really caught my attention, because it really taught me of another side of korean idols, its a different side than what we fans see on camera or through the internet. There are korean idols that starve themselves, and we fans don't see that fact. The only thing I didn't like is that you tend to change form first person tense to third person tense. Lastly, you tend to have a lot of run-off sentences.
Structure 3/5– I noticed that since you change from either first person tense to third person tense, have you ever thought of just writing in a first person tense? You could have some parts be Sungyeol's POV, and another part be Woohyun's POV, or anybody's POV. Lastly, I feel like your paragraph spacings are a bit too small? Have you thought of possibly adding another space between your paragraphs? Besides from these problems, your font type, size, and color are perfect the way it is.
Overall 63/85=74/100–You have a tendency of switching from first person tense to third person tense. I see that you're supposed to be writing as a narrator, but there are times where you write in the character's POV. You have a lot of run-off sentences, and you tend to not use commas when you're listing. Also, I feel like your title doesn't really make much sense in your story. I suggest switching to a more heart-breaking relevant title instead.
Reply: Sorry it took so long to get to this!! I can't seem to comment/edit on my phone and my laptop has been in for repairs! This was definitely a really helpful review and about the person switching - that's a habit that I have because I seriously can't write in first person, I will try to work on that. I'll definitely make some changes to the title and foreword though! Thank you :)
Comments