Bleu
Finished on 10/14/13

Bang Chainatown
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/500672/bang-chainatown-exo-kray-kaisoo-suhan-taohun-chenmin-beakyeol

About: Kris(EXO)+Lay(EXO), D.O(EXO)+Kai(EXO), Suho(EXO)+Luhan(EXO), Tao(EXO)+Sehun(EXO), Chen(EXO)+Xiumin(EXO), Baekhyun+Chanyeol(EXO), gangs, romance, , violence

Title: 1/5 It's a rather interesting title, but it's not relevant to the story at all. Also, I'm assuming you meant to write Chinatown instead of Chainatown? I suggest changing your title to make it fit the story more.

Foreword: 4/10 The description made no sense at all, I understood what you meant, but the spelling and grammar was not right at all. I do love how you made it sound mysterious, and the format made it look dramatic. The foreword's last sentence also doesn't make sense, I suggest splitting the sentence into two cause it's a run-on. The description should be like this:

"Everything started fourteen years ago,

​Everything has ended now.

During that time, wounds were carried, and Lay wasn't the only one with them;

Kris had deeper wounds than what his body showed.

Lost childhood friends were found in the middle of events,

Guns,

Blood,

and Love."

Plot: The plot is very detailed. You gave details about everything I could imagine, something that a lot of writers don't do. For some advice though, I think you should split your chapters so you can add cliffhangers and more suspence into your story. There aren't a lot of suspence besides the details and romantic moments. Besides this, the plot is very beautifully written. Also, I suggest adding chapter names so readers will know what the content is about. I love how you color coded the characters that are talking so no one gets confused. Most people who do this make it look childish, but you do not. Good job.

Characters: Every single character has a different personality and they each have a role in the story. I know it can be very tough to have about 12 different characters at a time and still have personalities stand out. Amazing job.

Grammar and Spelling: 12/20 Now this is where you scored low on, in most of the chapters you have sentences where you have mispellings and grammar mistakes. A part where I see a lot of mistakes is when you give dialogue; which is in a lot of your story. You either forget to put a comma, period, etc, before the last apostrophe, or you don't capitalize the first word. I suggest you proofread your chapters once you finish them to fix any simple mistakes, and if you don't know the correct spelling you can always google it or get a dictionary.

Flow: The flow is a little bit too slow for me, but it's very detailed. Also, just some advice but I think you should seperate your chapters to add more cliff hangers, and it wont feel as if the flow is too slow. Also by doing this, your readers would want to keep reading on.

Overall: ?/100 It's a very good piece of writing, but you should make sure your grammar and spelling is okay before submitting. Also, I suggest changing your foreword and title since they are confusing.

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Redo #1

Bleu
Finished on 12/1/2013

Bang Chainatown
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/500672/bang-chainatown-exo-kray-kaisoo-suhan-taohun-chenmin-beakyeol

About: Kris(EXO)+Lay(EXO), D.O(EXO)+Kai(EXO), Suho(EXO)+Luhan(EXO), Tao(EXO)+Sehun(EXO), Chen(EXO)+Xiumin(EXO), Baekhyun+Chanyeol(EXO), gangs, romance, , violence

Title 2/5 – Your title is really eye-catching, and thank you for fixing the spelling error. Also, like again, how is this supposed to be relevant to your story? I suggest changing it into something more relevant.

Foreword 6/10 – Thank you for fixing your foreword. I really like how your description is now, it doesn't give away too much information, and it makes your readers entranced with the story. The description really gives off a mysterious aura. In the foreword, I suggest you should probably change the title since it still says “ChainaTown”. I find it really unique how instead of giving descriptions of the characters, you gave quotes from them. Really creative. You did a good job in changing your foreword. Although, there are still a few mistakes such as . . .

❁ “Yixing will get involved in a plan that will take down lives of different people, each of them had a secret to keep, a tear to share, a laugh to let out, and most of the deepest secrets and scariest one of them was the one Wu Yi Fan was hiding deep in his soul.” should be “A plan that will destroy the lives of many different people. Each of these people have a secret to keep; a tear to share, a laugh to let out. The one with the deepest and scariest secret is hidden deep within Wu Yi Fan's soul.”

❁ “Zhang Yixing found himself in the middle of a gang war, made by the biggest gang of Seoul in order to gain more territory, and he pulled with him the life of nine innocent souls.” should be “Finding himself in the middle of a gang war–which was made by the biggest gang in Seoul in order to gain more territory– Zhang Yixing will have to drag along with him the lives of nine innocent souls.”

Plot 17/20 – The plot is very detailed. You wrote details about everything I could imagine, I can't even find a single thing to complain about. As I was reading your story, I noticed that this is very long. I think you should split your chapters up so you can add cliffhangers and more suspense into your story. Doing this will make the reader's adrenaline’s rush and it wouldn't let your readers feel bored. Since your chapters are so long, and they have multiple events, it makes me feel like there’s too much happening at once.

Characters 20/20 – Every single character has a different personality, and they each have a certain role in the story. I know it can be really tough to have 12 different characters at a time and still have their personalities stand out. I also like how the characters didn't overpower the true focus, the story.

Grammar and Spelling 10/20 – This is where you scored low on, most of your chapters you have sentences with grammar mistakes. I see a lot of mistakes when you write dialogue; which is in a lot of your story. I noticed that you fixed some of the mistakes, but they still exist. I noticed that you like to start a paragraph with one tense, and then end it with another tense. You also have many run-off sentences such as . . .

❁ In chapter one you wrote,”Kris rushed out, with no more words; he knew that Chan Yeol will wait for him since he made Kris promise. Thinking about how late he can be, Kris didn't wait for a taxi, and didn't care of the rain showing more than needed of his body's shape.” should be “Having no more words to say to Baekhyun, Kris quickly rushed out of the building. He knew that Chan Yeol will wait for him, since Kris promised him he would be there no matter what. Thinking about how late he already is, Kris didn't wait for a taxi. He didn't care if the rain drenched him–leaving his body showing through his shirt.”

❁ In chapter one you wrote,”They took a taxi while an overly excited Chan Yeol told Kris his adventure in Malaysia, Indonesia, and Jeju Island. Kris patted on the tall boy's head in awe; he didn't see Chan Yeol that happy in days.” should be “They took a taxi back to Kris's apartment. In the meanwhile, an overly excited Chan Yeol told Kris all about his adventures in Malaysia, Indonesia, and Jeju Island. Kris patted the tall boy's head in awe; he hasn't seen Chan Yeol that happy in days.”

❁ In chapter three you wrote,”Kai nodded and ordered for a coffee. His head was heavy with thoughts he didn't think he will have. He needed someone to speak to and ended by calling Chen. He knew that Chen had hardship to hide his boyfriend's existence so he needed advices, he needed to hear words...that will calm his heart.” should be “Kai nodded and ordered a coffee. His head was heavy with unbelievable thoughts. He needed someone to speak to, which led him to calling Chen. Kai knew that Chen had enough experience with hiding his boyfriend's existence. He needed advice from Chen, he needed to hear words...words that will calm his heart.

Flow 13/15– The flow is a little bit too slow, although it is very detailed. I suggest separating your chapters to add more cliff highers, and it wont make the readers feel bored. Also by doing this, not only will your readers want to keep reading–they won't feel like the flow is too slow.

Enjoyment 4/5– This story is just so adorable and fluffy! I'm a er for fluff if you haven't noticed > u

Structure 2/5– You did an amazing job keeping the paragraph spacings just right and even, and also, I like how you color coded the dialogue. I really wish you could shorten the chapters though!. There's too much going on in a chapter. Your sentences are really messy as well . . there are just so many actions going on that it's overwhelming.

Overall 74/100– The story itself is really adorable and fun to read. The chapters are way too long though. Also, I suggest you proofread your chapters and think to yourself, does this make sense? Is there too much happening in this paragraph?

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Redo #2

Bleu
Finished on 3/12/2014

Bangs. Tears. Love.
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/500672/bang-chainatown-exo-kray-kaisoo-suhan-taohun-chenmin-beakyeol

About: exo, kray, baekyeol, kaisoo, xiuchen, suhan, taohun

Title 3/5–Your title isn't really a title to me, you should never use periods in a title, instead use commas. I suggest you change your title to “Bangs, Tears, and Love”. That way, it doesn't seem so, un-titlelike. Another thing is, I still don't get how your title is supposed to be relevant to your story, I mean I guess it has a global relevancy due to the gang war, but it's just so, well, widespread, that it doesn't have any meaning at all. Another thing is, your title is definitely better than your old one,”Bang Chinatown”, but it still has some flaws.

Foreword 8/10–I feel like your foreword is still really unorganized and messy, you have so many things going on at once in your foreword, you have pictures, trailers, credits, character descriptions, and etc. I feel like you just put what was on your mind into your foreword, without thinking about an exact order of importance. Although I did fix your synopsis before, I didn't fix it completely cause I didn't want to ruin the word choices you chose. Like, I just don't like it all together, and I think it's my fault because I didn't want to change your word choices. I like how each character has a different color that represents themselves, the only thing I wished you had done was make the colors a little less neon-like. Your quotes are mainly run-off sentences, and there are times where you forgot the state-of-being verbs. Another thing is, I don't see much variety in your quotes, if I were to read them without knowing which character it belonged to, I would have believed it could belong to any of the characters, because it's just so, similar.

❁”Finding himself in the middle of a gang war–which was made by the biggest gang in Seoul in order to gain more territory– Zhang Yixing will have to drag along with him the lives of nine innocent souls.” should be,”Having found himself in the middle of a gang war–made by the biggest gang in Seoul–Zhang Yixing will have to drag along with him the lives of nine innocent souls. The gang war was created in order to gain more territory, but what were the consequences?”

The reason I wanted to change this paragraph was because I was just not satisfied by how I had fixed it last time, this is all my fault so I won't remove any points for this bad grammar. Last time, I didn't fully change it to my liking because I didn't want to change your word choices at all. This time, I added a state-of-being so it would sound better, another thing is, I just didn't like that phrase between the dashes. Another thing is, you didn't need to have a space after the last dash, after all, it connects the two phrases. Lastly, I added a nice conclusion sentence to wrap everything up and add some foreshadowing.

❁”Fan gege, My parents died... everybody died... I thought you did... I thought... I'm sorry... I didn't search for you.” should be,”Fan-gege, my parents died, everybody died. I thought you did too...I thought...I'm sorry. I didn't search for you.”

You don't always have to use three consecutive periods to show signs of pausing, you can always use commas as well. For this quote, I just felt like you overused those three consecutive periods, leading your quote to sound really, well, childish. So I had decided to mix commas and periods. Another thing is, there was no need for you to capitalize “My” since you had a comma before it. And whenever you add like “gege” or “ah” you should always use a dash, cause that way you know its supposed to be connected.

“What if you discover that I was hiding something from you? What will you do if it's an unforgivable mistake? Will you forgive me?” should be,”What if you found out I was hiding something from you? What would you do if it was something unforgivable? Would you ever forgive me?”

Plot 17/20–Your very first paragraph in the first chapter was just too confusing. I felt like you tried to put in a lot of details, you did a good job, but you completely disregarded the story itself. It's like, just full of details, and the actions were completely hidden. That paragraph was super confusing, and I could barely understand it at all. You jumped into the story without giving us readers any background information, instead, I think you should start the story off with some sort of monologue? Or like a flashback, where the gang war all began. Cause you just started the story with already a huge conflict, wheres the building action? Don't give away the couples you're using, where's the excitement about that? Add twists and cliffhangers. Your plot isn't really fully developed yet, so I can't say much about it at all. All I'm going to say is that so far, your story is really good, especially the way you introduced it.

Characters 18/20–I like how you started your story without giving us a quick, yet descriptive paragraph about what Kris looks like, and his background. But that paragraph was just way too confusing, and the details just kept overlapping each other, it was almost as if it was too overpowering. I know that some characters have different alias, but sometimes you use so many, that the readers think that you're talking about different people, when you're actually talking about one. You tend to use phrases instead of the persons actual names at times such as,”the man with black hair”, or the “tall Chinese man”, well, there's nothing wrong with doing so, but you just overuse it too much, and there's actually no point cause it just makes it sound weird. And whenever you do, do that, the readers sometimes think you're talking about the wrong person. The same issue as last time, you have just way too many characters, and it just makes it confusing, no matter how good a writer you are, having so many characters at once just doesn't work out. Especially when each of these characters are major protagonists.

Grammar and Spelling 16/20–Throughout the story, you used costumer instead of customer. A costumer is someone that makes or supplies theatrical or fancy costumes. Complete opposite of what you were intending right? Another thing is, you sometimes have too much description and you tend to overlook the story itself. Another thing is, you have way too much run-off sentences, especially when you're writing big paragraphs. I noticed that whenever you write the age you always use “years old” when its supposed to be “year old”, well it is depending on your situation. You overuse pronouns at times, and you don't give a good enough interpretation for the readers to infer who you're talking to at all.

❁”The smell of the morning's sun” should be,”The Smell of the Morning's Sun”

I'm assuming this was the title of the chapter, a title should always have capitalized letters, if it weren't capitalized, then it would just be a simple sentence in the story. That's why you should capitalize it.

❁”Kris Li, a Chinese twenty-four years old 6ft 3 inches tall man with a very distinctive intimidating serious expression that formerly unseen by the coffee costumers, cleaned, with his not-so-clean towel, the wooden tables which got a dark tone that matched yet contrasted the amber – vanilla wallpapers color of the Myeop Dong coffee shop's walls, and headed to the next table, showing his black leathered block note, with his red pencil, his eagle sharp eyes looking through its papers seeking an empty one. His everlasting smile welcomed whoever was sitting and he prepared him-self to note down the orders.” should be,”Kris Li, a Chinese, twenty-four year old, 6'3 man, with a very distinctive, intimidating, expression that is unseen by the coffee customers. He cleaned the wooden tables, with a not so cleaned towel. The tables had a dark tone that matched yet contrasted the amber-vanilla walls of the Myeop Dong Coffee Shop. He headed to the next table, grabbed his black leather block note, with his red pencil, his eagle sharp eyes looking through its papers seeking an empty sheet.

I don't know if you noticed but, this is a huge run-off sentence, this huge paragraph, you had only used about two periods. Another thing is, you had put so much description, you didn't notice you described the same things twice, for example when you described the walls. Another thing is, leather is a noun, you can't add a -ed, cause it just doesn't work. Another thing is, you used “costumers”, I don't think you knew but, costumers means a person or firm that makes or supplies theatrical or fancy costumes.

❁”I want a black coffee*.” the male voice said with a tone that startled Kris, since it had a hint of absence, of deep distress or maybe heavy burdens. The tall Chinese boy, with his body gorgeously defined by a white buttoned shirt and black pants surrounded by a black apron in the belt line, looked at the costumer for a moment noticing the black haired man playing with something in his slim fingers. When the costumer looked up to him, Kris fast bowed and walked away, holding a blush as he noticed how cute the man looked, unaware that the costumer's eyes followed him the way back to the counter.” should be,”I want a black coffee.” Kris was startled by that male voice, since it had a hint of absence, deep distress, and heavy burdens. The tall Chinese boy, with his gorgeously defined body, wore a white buttoned shirt, and black pants which was surrounded by a black apron in the belt line. He looked at the customer for a moment, noticing the black haired man playing with his something in his slim fingers. When suddenly the customer turned around and looked up to him, Kris quickly bowed and walked away, hiding a blush as he noticed how cute the man looked, unaware that the customer's eyes followed him all the way back to the counter.”

❁”At Ten pm, Kris was the DJ of the night, when a slim familiar body took control of the dance floor. Kris never looked at the dance floor before, since he had to control the beat until the return of the main DJ, but then the familiarity of the boy dancing on the floor took him by surprise, when he glanced absently over the people under his sight. Only when the boy stood closer to him with a familiar man who was facing him and obviously arguing, that Kris could remember where he saw them before, especially him.” should be,”At 10 pm, Kris was the DJ of the night, when a slim familiar body took control of the dance floor. Kris never looked at the dance floor, he had to make sure he didn't mess up. Kris noticed how familiar the boy dancing looked, he took a closer glance over the people under his sight. Once the boy stood closer to him with a familiar man who was facing him and obviously arguing, Kris finally remembered where he saw them before, especially that man.”

Flow 13/15–You started your story really abruptly, like, you gave no background information at all, and you just jumped into the rising action. Where's the inciting action? Where's the expedition? There's nothing that starts the story, and you're pretty much just jumping to a major event all of a sudden. Besides from this, your flow is really consistent, and you don't speed up at any time. I'm really glad your story isn't as fast-paced as it was before.

Enjoyment 4/5–I personally preferred your old plot a lot more than this one, I don't know, its just that you're old plot just had more suspense, and action, this one on the other hand, it may be cleaner, but it is a lot more boring. This story is a lot less messy, which I really prefer, but you just have so many well, run-off sentences that it makes your story really confusing. I know that you wanted to add more details, but like, while I was reading your story, I noticed that you have a lot more details, but sometimes, you have so much that it's completely overpowering the plot itself.

Structure 5/5–I really like how you color-coded whose talking, and you gave a really good description on whose who. There's nothing confusing about it, but the only thing I suggest is that you tone down the colors a bit, they're a bit well, just make them more subtle like. Besides from this, your font size, type, color, and paragraph spacings and lengths are perfect the way it is.

Overall 84/100–I personally preferred your previous story a lot more than this one, but that's my own opinion. Although you did fix your previous mistakes tremendously, you created new mistakes as well. These new mistakes are still really noticeable, but your story isn't as messy as it was before. I still feel like you have way too characters, I mean there's nothing bad with it, but if they are all main characters then even good writers can't do much with it.

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