Bleu
Finished on 1/27/2014

Last Breath

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/597465/last-breath-angst-sad-exo-kris

About: angst, sadness, loneliness, death, exo, Kris(EXO)+OC

Title 5/5– The title is short and simple. Not only is eye-catching, it is also super relevant. From the title itself, by just looking at it, I could tell that this story was going to be about someone dying. Saehee is on her last breath, and all Yuri wanted was for Saehee to meet EXO, more importantly Kris, before she was gone for all. Even if Saehee is aware of her short time left, she would do anything to meet Kris. The only thing I didn't like is that this title is way too cliché! Try searching this title up in the asianfanfic forum and you will find dozens of fanfictions with the same title! Is there no way for you to change it up a bit? Another thing I don't really like is that the word 'breath' appears way too much in your story. Although it is super important to keep the repetition in your story, it's just a bit way too much. Each chapter has the word 'breath' in it at least 18 times, let alone 30!

Foreword 9/10– Your description is really well-written. There are no miss-spells nor are there any run-off sentences. I'm really amazed how well you imputed semi-colons, instead of commas. The only thing I don't understand is how do people 'act big'? Are you trying to say that they pretend to be more important than others; they look down on people? I really like how much references you made in your description, it's a universal feeling. Everyone wants their own,”Happily Ever After,” and by using that phrase, I feel like it makes the readers entranced to the story, they feel as if they could be in the story themselves. I like how you quickly made a reference to the title,”Last Breath”, already in the foreword. You also introduced us to the letters, I like how your foreword was more of an introduction paragraph into the story. It wasn't just a silly moment in the story, nor was it just explaining who the characters was, it was actually introducing us readers to what we were going to be reading. Like your description, your foreword is amazing, and its pretty much perfect as it is. No grammar and spelling mistakes what so ever, and it's really deep and emotional. It's impossible for a reader to not be entranced to the story after reading this foreword. Also, your foreword doesn't give out too much information, neither does it give too little.

Plot 18/20– Like I said in the title section, you wrote the word 'breath' way too many times. I would have liked it if you had the word in there less, but in more important paragraphs. Although it is good to have repetition, if you over-use it, all it would be is redundant. Imagine having to read the word 'breath' over 30 times. Boring right? I like how your story and your letters are connected in some way. During chapter one, where Saehee was having a panic attack during the night, where you were talking about the past. I think you over-exaggerated a little bit. I understand that Saehee would be stuttering, but at that last paragraph, that was just way too much stuttering. I suggest you tone it down a notch. Your writing style is beautiful, you have a clear concept on how important breathing is, and how important one silly thing can be a huge thing. The idea of sending letters never came to the two siblings that Kris would eventually come visit them, how one small thing, could become so huge. I feel like you really made us readers entranced to the story. The only thing I didn't like is that the ending felt a bit too rush..I wish there were more emotions coming from Yuri and Kris. Although the idea of ending the story with “Beep” I really wish there was more. It just felt like you couldn't think of any other ending, except ending it on the spot. Also, I really wish you could have split your chapters at some point, you really lack some twists and cliffhangers. Perhaps instead of having the part where Kris visits them and Saehee dying together in the same chapter, you could have them separate. I feel like it would have a better feel if having Kris asking where Saehee was as a cliffhanger.

Characters 17/20– A thing I didn't like was what you said in the first chapter, you wrote, 'A couple buildings down, a girl in her school uniform rushed out of her apartment complex with a thermos in one hand study papers in the other, attempting to crap in a bits of information before class'. This sentence appeared really odd to me, since you started it off with Yuri looking at the business man, I quickly assumed she was looking at this girl too. Man for a couple buildings down, wouldn't it be pretty hard to have so clearly analyzed what this girl was doing? If it was me, I would have some pretty hard time being able to see that far away. Is there a way for you to elaborate more on Saehee's disease? I feel like Yuri really lacked uniqueness. I wanted her to have more emotion when Saehee was dying. Also, Kris wasn't really that, well, he didn't really stand out much. Your characters lacked important actions that made them different from others.

Grammar and Spelling 18/20– You do an amazing job at using semi-colons instead of commas. Which leads you to having very few run-off sentences. I feel like you lack elaboration at times, there are times where the readers are like,”What?” Also, you have a really vast knowledge of what to write, and what to avoid. You do an amazing job at avoiding run-off sentences, incomplete sentences, and just choppy sentences altogether. The very last sentence, where you said her breathing became short, faster. I'm pretty sure if you're on the verge of dying, your breathing doesn't become faster, it becomes fainter.

In Chapter One . . .

❁”The only sound that was heard was her steady breaths.” should be,”The only sound that could be heard were her steady breaths.”

The reason I had changed this sentence is because it didn't really sound right when you say it out loud. The word 'was' just wasn't working with this sentence, so I had decided to put in different synonyms. Also, I'm assuming by 'her' you meant Saehee right? After all you italicized it.

❁”Panting and gasping for air, Saehee felt her chest contracting with pain but her body wasn't able to react to the pain.” should be,”Panting and gasping for air, Saehee felt her chest contracting with pain, but her body was unable to react along side with the pain.”

This sentence was a real toughie.. I wasn't quite sure what you meant by 'body wasn't able to react to the pain' I personally didn't really fix this sentence. Since I wasn't sure what you meant. All I did was change the words into a better tense, but it's up to you how you're going to change it. Is there a way for you elaborate more on what you mean by her body being unable to react along side with the pain?

Flow 14/15– Your flow is perfect, you know when to end an event, and when to start an event. Your flow was well paced throughout the story. Nothing wrong what so ever. The only thing I felt was that your ending was a bit too rushed. I don't really like how you ended the story on the spot, couldn't you have come up with an alternative ending? Also, your story is really well-organized, and by the way you explained the main moral, I really felt like you had an absolute understanding of the meaning of breathing.

Enjoyment 5/5– This story really struck me. I understand how some people, really take advantage of being born normal, and they could care less about how much they have to live, and the importance of breathing. You really made me think to myself, what if this was me? What would I have done. I don't want to be useless if this ever happened to me. Your story really made me feel as if I was in Yuri's shoes, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Structure 4/5–I'm really glad you decided to have the font color gray when you talk about the past. You don't know how much that is a pet-peeve when people don't do that! This is really annoying me but when you're writing the letters, whenever there is a red line underneath can you please erase it? It's really makes it seem unorganized...A way to erase it is just simply adding the word to the dictionary. Your paragraphs are a bit long to me, in chapter four I believe, there was this massive paragraph, was there no way for you to split in into two? Your font type, color, and size, is perfect the way it is. And your paragraph spacings are clustered and not widespread.

Overall 90/100– Your story really taught me a lesson, and I'm pretty sure it taught the readers a lesson too. Being born correctly, and being healthy, and being able to breath is something you shouldn't take for granted. What if one day, you end up being in either Saehee or Yuri's position. What would you do? I for one don't want to be useless. The only thing I didn't like is felt your characters didn't have a unique enough personality. Also, your ending was a bit rushed, and I feel like you overused the word 'breath' to the point where it seems redundant.

Reply: Ah... Thank you so so so much for the wonderful detailed review! Unfortunately I had my sister change the password to my account so I cannot credit you as of right now since it's hard to deal with all the coding on my iPod touch. AFF was starting to consume my life so I had to get away from it by not having access to it on my main computer up until I am done with my midterms...my midterm is on feb 7 so pleeeaaase don't delete or place me on blacklist! I promise to credit you after I finish midterms and I get my account back..please understand x.x but regardless, thank youuuu soo much!