NO CREDIT

Katrina
Finished 1/20/2014

「 tears of blood 」
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/623954/tears-of-blood-infinite-ljoe-myungsoo-you-exo-kai-vixx

About: Sungjong(Infinite)+OC, angst, romance, voodoo doll, supernatural, princess

Title: 4/5 It fits your story well, but I'm not so sure about the lowercase letters and the brackets (or whatever those ones are called). While the lowercasing do give the story a dark vide, it's grammatically wrong, and the brackets are not really right either. I suppose you can use them since this is fanfiction, but they're not accepted in the rules of writing books.

Foreword: 10/10 Dark and complicated enough to create suspense for the story, but not too messy, your foreword is beautiful. You describe the story in such a vivid way, I can actually feel like the story is a true event that is happening near me. I love how you only add pictures and a simple sentence to describe the characters instead of telling us their full personality and background.

Plot: 15/20 When I read the foreword, I thought, "A story about a voodoo doll's love for its mistress; that's really unique and interesting." Then I read your story, and your plot just changed completely. What happened to her and Sungjong? Everything is all about her being a princess which is not what I was expecting to read from the foreword. Yes, that is a good twist, but if you're going to add a twist, don't forget about the original plot. Also, when Sungjong suddenly transferred to her school, nobody noticed. He just came in and adapted naturally like he had been there since the very beginning.

Characters: 12/20 First of all, Jiyun is a complete mary-sue and self-insert, sort of like another Bella Swan. She is bullied by everyone; that is normal, I suppose since she's creepy, but the fact that she suddenly has bursts of power whenever she's in trouble, and nobody ever calls the police on her is really unrealistic. Smirking during that time when she has bursts of power is also an example of a mary-sue. The normal reaction for someone who has these moments would be to freak out and cover their mouth in shock, or anything like that instead of looking on coldly. If a normal girl can throw a guy across the hallway, people will notice and eventually tell their parents or a teacher, and she'll be arrested. Also, I know you want her to be special, but having purple eyes and reddish hair color is too much. That should be another side of her that she finds out later on in the story. Another thing is the nurse being friends with her. That is realistic, I suppose, but it's weird for her to act childishly with her. How is she friends with the nurse anyway, and how does she know the nurse's boyfriend? Also her being a princess is an unexpected twist, but it's not a good one. It just makes her even more of a mary-sue. Also, I hate how you started off the story talking about how her voodoo doll comes to life, but then you don't even show Sungjong and her relationship developing. You spend the majority of the story talking about her transformation into her true self. It's almost like the whole story revolves only around her, nobody else.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 You tend to change from past to present tense a few times but usually for only one word. Otherwise, your grammar and spelling are pretty okay.

In chapter one, P(aragraph)3 "The only couple people who don't despise her was the principle..." should be "The only people who didn't despise her were the principal...'

Chapter two, P33 "Someone in the side of the room yelled but she ignored." should be 'Someone on the other side of the room yelled, but she ignored it.'
2. P34 "I don't you hurt." should be "I don't want you to be hurt."

Chapter three, P8 "We don't want to burn another building on fire." should be "We don't want to burn down another building."
2. P11 "She is safe for now but is is not the end." should be "She is safe for now, but it is not the end."
3. P14 "Her used to limp hair turned into blood red hair..." should be 'Her limp hair turned into blood red hair...'

Chapter four, P1 "While Sungjong and Jiyun was in school, a very different scene was happening just below." should be 'While Sungjong and Jiyun were in school, a very different scene was happening elsewhere.'

Flow: 10/15 Your story, according to your foreword, is supposed to be about Jiyun abusing her doll, Sungjong, who then magically comes to life. Along with your development, you completely forgotten about her abusing the doll and instead focused on a completely different plot about her being a princess. What happened to the voodoo doll? What part of her abusing him and him describing his pain and love for her is in the story at all? In chapter two, you already jumped into him being a human and showing his love for her in front of others.

Enjoyment: 3/5 At first, I thought this story would be amazing from the foreword, but once I read it, my opinion just changed. Your main character is just too mary-sue, and the plot is completely off from what I had expected.

Structure: 5/5 It's quite unique for you to write with your whole story centered. That does make it easier to read, so points for that.

Overall: 77/100 The story would have been brilliant if it wasn't for the main character being too mary-sue, the plot jumping all over the place, the flow being really off. Otherwise, you grammar and spelling are really good, except for a few mistypes.

Reply: Seen it! Thank you! <3