Katrina
Finished 11/9/2013

An Angels Blood+
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/560794/an-angels-blood-fantasy-exo-luhan

About: Luhan (EXO)+OC, fantasy, another world, war, rebels, memory loss

Title: 3/5 Your title isn't very eye-catching or interesting. I suggest making it shorter.

Foreword: 7/10 Your foreword and description are neat and organized, but there are some mistakes. "Siyoung woke up one day completely losing her memories." should be 'Siyoung woke up in a hospital one day with no memory of herself.' In addition, I think you should either delete the pictures of the characters all together or provide background information on them. I feel that having pictures of characters in a story, but with no information, is random and useless because in the story, you still have to describe what they look like - like Luhan having a cute babyface, for example.

Plot: 23/25 The plot started off as very cliché, but it began to get many unexpected twists along the way. I feel that you didn't quite explain how Chen knew Siyoung would be best for the fifth division. Since she lost her memories, Chen cannot find a lot of information in her mind, how did he realize that she's a fighter?

Characters: 21/25 Like I explained above, how did Chen realize Siyoung would be perfect for the fifth division? Where in her memories did her realize? You should elaborate on how Chen knew. Luhan also accepted Siyoung too fast, considering the fact that he had been insulting her just one chapter before. Just from watching her fight one time, he decided to accept her into the team. You should write a major event that Siyoung helps Luhan with and ends up proving her usefulness. For example, Luhan had been captured or something, and Siyoung rescues or helps him.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 Like many othe writes, you keep on placing commas where semi-colons or periods should be placed. You have a lot of run-on sentences which you connect with commas. You use big vocabulary words very well. Using vivid details, you made your action scenes suspenseful and thrilling. Good job.

In chapter one, "She realised she was in a white room, white walls and white bed sheets." should be "As she looked around at the white walls and white bed sheets, she suddenly realized everything was strangely white."
2. "She rumaged through her brain..." should be "She rummaged through her brain..."
3. "...she had not recollection of who this man was..." should be "...she did not have any memories of who this man was..."
In chapter two, "She thought it would led to underground..." should be "She thought it would lead to the underground..."
2. "...a thin tiny boy half his height..." should be "...a tiny, thin boy half his size..."
In chapter five, "It was surrounded by red dry cracked red walls withering from the many years since it was built." should be "It was surrounded by cracked red walls that had been dried and weathered from the many years since it was built."
2. "...a dress such gold as the sun." should be "...a dress as golden as the sun."

Flow: 11/15 I feel you rushed the story a bit starting from chapter four. Siyoung just started training, so her skills won't be enough for her to survive, unless she had been a warrior before she lost her memories. Luhan takes her with them to a war too early. You should give her two weeks or so of training before she actually fights.

Overall: 83/100 Your storyline is interesting, you only have some spelling mistakes, and you write with a lot of vivid details and good vocabulary words. Only your flow is tad too fast, and you have some confusing parts in the story. Otherwise, good job.

Reply: thank you for the wonderful feedback :)