Ahri
Finished 2/7/2014

The Rubik's Cube
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/625859/the-rubik-s-cube-angst-romance-exo-luhan

About: Luhan(Exo)+OC, Baekhyun(Exo), Kyungsoo(Exo), romance, high school, blindness

Title: 4/5 I would have said your title is unique and good for your plot, but your story is not really focused on it. At chapter one and two, it was focused on it, but then afterwards, you kind of forgot about it and instead, focused on Songji's love life.

Foreword: 9/10 This is only my own opinion, but the author note would look better in the foreword instead of the description, but I'm not going to take points off since it's more of a personal preference. The only thing wrong is at the end of your excerpt (the last paragraph), "Where once their had been caution and a hint..." should be 'Where once there had been caution and a hint...' Otherwise, great foreword.

Plot: 18/20 How should I say this? Your story is a mixture of cliché and originality. The Rubik's cube is pretty unique, but along the story, it got forgotten, and you're now focusing mostly on Songji's lovelife. The Rubik's cube is the title of the story, but you're not focusing on it a lot in the story. There is only one event where Luhan tries to teach Songji how to solve the Rubik's cube but afterwards, it doesn't make any major appearance.

Characters: 16/20 Try to describe Songji's blindness and how she deals with it more. It feels really fake at times because there are moments when you describe it perfectly and other moments where it feels like Songji is a normal girl. There are some moments where you don't explain how she knows some things. Like how you sometimes say that Songji points her head at a teacher or anything. How does she know they are standing there? Also, in chapter two, I feel like Songji reacted a bit too randomly since she just entered the school, yet she's already causing a scene. I know she has to deal with the teasing and such, but that was still a bit out of place. Try to make it flow in better. Also, after the incident with Luhan and Baekhyun, Songji hasn't thought about Baekhyun at all. It's like she just forgot about him. When Kyungsoo kissed Songji, she didn't think about it afterwards. I'm guessing that was her first kiss, so why isn't she affected?

Grammar and Spelling: 19/20 There are a few moments when you would switch to present tense like when you're asking questions for example. Otherwise, perfect grammar and spelling!

Flow: 11/15 Songji started trusting Luhan too early. She just met him, but she's already trusting him just because he agreed to teach her something. Also she and Baekhyun became friends too randomly. Try to describe it more because Baekhyun just asked her right out of the blue. The flow is too fast overall because everything's happening all at once! Another thing, it's only chapter five, and Kyungsoo just came in, but he and Songji are already kissing. This is too fast!

Enjoyment: 4/5 I would have enjoyed this, but your flow is really fast, and your plot is a bit unorganized sometimes.

Structure: 4/5 When writing dialogue, you should end it with a comma and never capitalize the subject afterwards unless it's a name. For example, "That's mine." She said'should be "That's mine," she said' If it's not a "she said" or "said she" it should be capitalized. If an action comes after the dialogue instead of "she said" then end it with a period. Second, in chapter one- this is really small though- around the middle of the story, you wrote "father" in a different front. I don't know if it's my computer glitching, or you did that on purpose, but if you did, try not to switch fonts if you're trying to emphasize it. Italic it instead. Again, I don't know if my computer is glitching on me, or if you actually did it, but in chapter two, it's a different font from chapter one. If you actually did that, and it's not my computer, try to stick to only one font.

Overall: 85/100 It feels like you rushed through this story without really thinking things through. Your plot is forgetting some events at times, and your characters act unrealistically from time to time. Otherwise, great initial plot and grammar.

Reply: Thanks for the review! I will credit when I get on the computer.