Bleu
Finished on 1/15/2014

Unraveling Threads
https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/622993/unraveling-threads-oneshot-romance-kaisoo-slightangst

About: Kai+Kyungsoo(EXO), oneshot, romance, kaisoo, slightangst

Title 5/5– Your title is perfect the way it is, it's simple and eye-catching. It's not too cliché or mary-sue. It also doesn't give away too much or too little information. I love the idea of adding the relevance at the end of the story, it made the readers keep thinking to themselves, 'how does the title have anything to do with the story?'. The fact that Jongin was just like a knit-wool sweater, without the threads, he was nothing. Jongin without Kyungsoo, the threads, was nothing. He couldn't live without him. As Kyungsoo died, Jongin's threads were, unraveling.

Foreword 8/10– Your foreword is simple and eye-catching. It doesn't sound too cliché, and even if Jongin had a lot of things happen to him in one day, it didn't sound too unrealistic or mary-sue at all. Although it isn't completely horrible to start a sentence with 'and' as much it was in the old days, I feel like it would sound better if you remove the 'and' and just let 'as the skies grow dark' lead the sentence. Also, the only thing I was confused on was the last sentence. It's really interesting and it makes the readers entranced to story, but it lacks a little bit of explanation. You wrote 'and his unwanted boyfriend too.” Why about his unwanted boyfriend? I feel like the word 'too' bothers me too much, I don't think its completely necessary for it to be in there. I feel like the way you wrote your foreword really made us readers entranced to your story. You didn't give away too much information, neither did you give too little that it was unreadable.

❁”Jongin had been having an extremely horrible day. He had been beaten up, fired, and gotten stuck in traffic with an annoying boyfriend. It would've been an understatement to say that he was in a bad mood. He was even starting to hallucinate. And now, as the skies grow dark, Jongin steps out to seek solace in the only place he feels comfortable in with just a large jacket, a pair of gloves, hiking boots and a flashlight. Oh, and his unwanted boyfriend too.” should be,”Jongin had been having an extremely horrible day. He had been beaten up, fired from work, and even gotten stuck in traffic with his annoying boyfriend. It would've been a huge understatement to say that he was in a bad mood–he was even starting to hallucinate. As the skies grew darker, Jongin, wearing only just a large jacket; a pair of gloves, hiking boots, and a flashlight, stepped out to seek solace in the only place he felt comfortable in. Oh, did I forget to mention about his unwanted boyfriend?”

Plot 17/20– I love the line,'It were times like these when he wished he was invisible.' I'm pretty sure everyone has experienced this feeling before, the feeling of being the center of everyone's attention. Hasn't everyone wished they were invisible one time in their life? I feel like this line really makes the readers feel as if it was themselves in Jongin's shoes. I really like how you introduced the fight between Yifan and Jongin, you made it clear a fight was going to happen with just once sentence. Your writing style is superb, you have sentences here and there where readers just have to relate. An example was when you wrote, 'he had been so preoccupied with life that he didn't even keep track of the dates anymore.' I'm pretty sure everyone's had that feeling, -coughcoughschool-. I feel like you gave a bit too much information early in the story, I could easily tell that someone Jongin had loved had died. Also, I was wondering how come Kyungsoo didn't say much when he was in the car with Jongin? I don't know if that was supposed to be foreshadowing that Kyungsoo was gone, or you just didn't mention anything on purpose. I feel like your ending was a bit too rushed, I don't know if it was because you had to submit it in for a contest or something. I feel like Jongin's resolve to move on was too, well, fast. It needs more description and details, at this rate, it feels really rushed.

Characters 18/20– I love how you wrote about introduced Yifan's character. It was so dramatic and I'm sure he left a presence to the readers. I'm pretty sure if someone read that introductory paragraph with Yifan, they wouldn't ever forget about him. He left a huge impression, which is really good. I had no clue that it was going to be Kyungsoo to have died. I like how you wrote the story, without giving major hints that it was Kyungsoo himself that died. I personally thought that Jongin had a separate boyfriend. Also, the way you talked about Jongin was excellent. Your character's weren't too cliché at all. Your characters weren't too 'perfect' at all. The only thing I didn't like was that Jongin's resolve was too weak. I feel like his resolve to move on was too rush, and it lacked details and description.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20– Starting off a sentence with the word and/but isn't as bad as it was in the olden days, so I don't mark any points away for doing so. Unless it's really choppy, then I'll edit it. Thank you for not confusing the words 'breath' and 'breathe'. You have no clue how many people make that mistake. Also, I noticed you have a tendency of using run-off sentences, it's a common mistakes most writers make. I really like how your writing isn't too messy or unorganized. Your events are well-organized. Also, your spelling is perfect just the way it is. The only thing I don't like is that you have a few choppy sentences. A way to check if you have any run-off sentences is just saying your sentences out loud, if they feel like you're talking too long, and there's no pause, then that's probably a run-off sentence. Also, please remember that you must change paragraphs once you change speakers or setting.

❁”And then, Jongin had forgotten his keys, and had locked himself out of his own apartment. His boyfriend, Kyungsoo was (surprisingly) nowhere to be found. Thankfully, the landlord had gotten used to his forgetfulness and had kept a spare behind the front desk on the first floor.” should be,”To top it off, Jongin had forgotten his keys; and had locked himself out of his own apartment. His boyfriend, Kyungsoo, was surprisingly nowhere to be found. Thankfully, the landlord had gotten used to his abundant forgetfulness, and always kept a spare key behind the front desk on the first floor.”

The reason I changed this paragraph was because I felt like it was too choppy. It's like, it doesn't really have a good flow to it. Also, the idea of having the word 'surprisingly' in parentheses isn't a bad idea at all, but I don't think its really necessary in this situation. Oh and the last sentence about the landlord is a run-off sentence.

❁”But that still meant going up and down five flights of stairs just to get to it because the elevator of the damn place was always broken.” should be,”Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, Jongin had to go up and down five flights of stairs just to get the key, since the elevator of the damn place was always broken.”

The reason I changed this paragraph was because I think it would sound better if you added some more emotion. Like 'just when you think things couldn't get any worse'. Also, I didn't quite understand what you meant by 'just to get to it'. What is this 'it'? Are you referring to the spare key? Also, the last sentence was a run-off.

❁”Smoke was practically blowing out of his ears and though he was in this situation, Jongin had a ridiculous thought of a train going “Choo Choo!” The boy fought a grin from lifting up the corners of his mouth. He coughed instead.” should be,”Smoke was practically blowing out of his ears, and although Jongin was in a pretty bad situation, he had a ridiculous thought of a train going “Choo Choo!” The boy tried to fight against a grin from lifting up the corners of his mouth. To try to cover it up, he tried his best to pretend he was coughing.”

The reason I changed this paragraph was because I think you could give a little more detail on his 'situation' currently, like it give it a adjective. Also, since the words 'Choo Choo!” are sound words, I think it would be better if it didn't resemble the other lines. Lastly, I think you gave too little information of why he coughed. That sentence was a little choppy, since it didn't really have any reasoning to it.

❁”The vehicle would slightly move forward at a snail's pace and the vicious cycle would repeat itself again until Jongin's voice became hoarse from so much shouting. He changed his mind about going and staying home. There was another place he wished to see though it was a bit of the way.” should be,”The vehicle would slightly move forward at a snail's pace, and the vicious cycle would repeat itself again until Jongin's voice because hoarse from so much shouting. He had changed his mind about going and staying home. There was another place he wished to see though, even though it was a bit of the way from here.”

Even though I don't think I really need to explain why I changed this paragraph, if you try to say this sentence out loud, you will definitely notice its a run-off sentence. Also, the very last sentence of this paragraph is a bit too choppy.

There are a few more mistakes in your oneshot, but I don't feel obliged to correct them all for you. Mainly most of them are run-off sentences though, just try to say the sentences out loud, if you feel like it's too long and it doesn't have a pause, then yeah, it's a run-off sentence alright.

Enjoyment 4/5– I really enjoyed this story, you have an amazing talent of using references that the readers have experienced. For example, when Jongin had wished he would just turn invisible, or the time when you have been so preoccupied that you completely forgot the date. The twist in the end was amazing, I would never have though that Kyungsoo himself was going to be the one who died. The only thing I didn't like about this story was that the ending was a bit too rushed, and Jongin's resolve was too weak. Also, your paragraphs are a bit too choppy at times, and you have run-off sentences. I found this really interesting but when you're writing the rising action, basically the events that build up to your , your writing is really choppy. But once you reached your and so on, your writing was perfect, it was superb actually. I don't know if you really got passionate for writing the action-y parts or something. lol.

Structure 4/5– I really like how you italicized the word 'nothing' in the first sentence of your story. I think it really made the readers have a better impression on Jongin's day. Also, when you wrote “Choo Choo!”, have you considered of make it italicized? Since it's a sound effect, I don't think it should resemble the rest of the lines. When Jongin is thinking to himself, 'ing customer. He thought. ing Yifan. ing Job.' I think you should make that a lighter shade of gray, by doing so, it would be more obvious to readers that you're talking about Jongin's thoughts, and he's not actually saying that out loud. Your paragraph spacings are perfect, I really love how you added the long spacings to represent time/setting change.

Overall 71/85=84/100– Your story is really good, and it has a great twist in the end. You have a talent of using references that make the readers feel they were in Jongin's shoes themselves. The only thing I didn't like was that Jongin's resolve was too weak, and the ending was a bit rushed. Also, I suggest re-looking at your story at times for any run-off sentences.

Reply: Thank you for the wonderful review! I apologize for the late reply. This really helps. ^^