ConfusedandDesperateforhelp: I'm barely a teenager, but I really want a kid. I know the consequences and stuff but ever since this dream I had I've always want a child and I don't know what to do. I've been even saving up money and coming up with scenarios and names.
My mom tells me I should wait but this instinct just won't allow me to wait, I don't know what to do. Please help me :(

Friend: Dear ConfusedandDesperateforhelp,

Let me start this letter of by agreeing with your mom. Even though you’re against her and you desperately want a child, your mom is right. You should wait.

Like you said so yourself; you’re barely a teenager. I never want to belittle anyone or make them feel insignificant (and I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this) but you’re still young and you should enjoy your youth. Right now you’re only driving yourself to wanting a kid through a dream. But hey, who says you have to make that dream a reality this very moment? You still have your whole life ahead of you and taking in a kid right now is only going to complicate your life and make it harder on you later. What’s the rush? I think you should get a stable job (so you know you can support this child financially), make sure your life and hormones are stable, and really think about this. Right now, you should be enjoying the summer sun (or whatever the weather is in your area :P) and hanging out with friends. Live your life to its fullest and enjoy every second of it. You don’t want to look back on your years and think, “Wow while all my friends went to the beach, I sat inside the whole day and tried to sing my baby to sleep.”

If you take in a kid now, you’ll be up to your neck in stress and anxiety. You’ll have to take care of it 24/7 and you can say good-bye to any of your free time. All those shows you see on TV on how the babies fall asleep after you sing them one song, or they learn how to properly use the toilet after one try, it’s all just for show. They’re actors and none of it is reality, the producers are only showing you what they want you to see. I know that you may see parents laughing and playing around with their child but that’s only the fun part about it. You have no idea what the other things the parents are put through by raising the said child and caring for it so it’d grow up to be a happy and healthy baby.

Right now you’re in the first stage where you’re picking out names and imagining him/her loving you and playing around with you and your family, am I right? But I’ll be honest and tell you that you’re being blinded by your dream and not seeing the reality of it all. Sure having a child will bring you a lot of joy as a mother, but I don’t know how you’ll manage to hold yourself up with all the stress seeing as you’re still figuring yourself out as a teen. After waking up every night to feed it it’s milk, or sing the baby back to sleep, all those lost hours of slumber will take its toll on you.

I know I might be sounding harsh but I just want to help. I want to really broaden your horizon and get you to understand that what you want is a serious matter. I want you to understand that if you go through with this, there will be a huge load of responsibility to take of another living being. There are so many children in the world that start off from a dream like yours, and later get abandoned and put into orphanages or shelters because their parents have grown tired of raising the child and left it there to wonder what it ever did wrong to deserve such abandonment. Pretty sad, right?

You say you’ve been saving up money and I applaud you for that, seeing as you’re showing great responsibility. But do you have $230,000 (US currency)? Believe it or not, that’s the average amount you’ll need to raise a child from 0 to 2 years of age (and if you plan on sending the child to college when the time comes). Not to mention the expenses you’ll need to hold yourself up. If you’re still a teen, then you’ll have a hard time finding a full time job and juggling schoolwork. Even with part-time jobs, you’ll still be struggling with bills and you might not even be able to provide the child everything it’ll need or want.

And then there’s schoolwork. There are so many dropout rates every year and the numbers seem to only spike up due to drugs, alcohol, violence, or teenage pregnancies. Don’t you want to finish school? Don’t you want to go to prom and graduation? I’m pretty sure you’ve even imagined yourself holding up that diploma with a smile as you finally realized that you did it; you finished school.

Another thing that I worry for you is that this may in fact just be a passing dream. You may want a child desperately now but what if within a month, you may not have the same mindset as you did before? By then it’ll be too late and I’d hate for you to think of aborting a life that hasn’t even begun to live yet. Really think this thing through ConfusedandDesperateforhelp. Weigh your options and choices and really think about whether you can see yourself supporting this dream of yours after several years.

I know it’s hard to hold back your dreams, yours being to have a child at this very moment, but trust me when I say this – if it’s a dream meant to come true, it’ll happen.

I think you should listen to your mom because even though you don’t agree with her, parents are only doing what they think is best for their children. Your mother is only looking out for you and I think you should really listen.

In no way am I telling you to give up your dream, I just advise you to hold onto it a little longer and wait. Because when the time comes and your dream does come true, I’m sure you’ll be a happy parent that's thankful that he/she waited longer.

I really do hope that I’ve managed to help you ConfusedandDesperateforhelp. Take care~

~(Chingu) 친구