ConcernedFriend: I'm here because I'm concerned about my other friend. I'm afraid that she's getting depressed with her life since all of these bad things have been happening to her, and although she says she's okay, I know she isn't and I don't want things to get too far. First off, her mother died recently. Then her father left her, and since she's an only child, she had to go live with her grandparents who are very old and quite sick. Secondly, she's getting bullied at school. There's this one popular girl who keeps taunting her for her family history saying exactly this: "You're totally lying about your family just so you can get people to pity you. You're so pathetic." It's gotten to the point that she's been having anger issues and keeps lashing out on her other friends. Then, her other friends hate that she's kind of cold to everyone now, so they left her. She's gone to hanging out with my friends. I'm just so worried about her and I just don't know what to do anymore. :(

Friend: Dear ConcernedFriend,

Let me first tell you that you did the right thing by contacting the school officials about this. Bullying is a serious matter, no matter how small or how big. The fact that you both have contacted authority will take a load off the girl during school which in term should help relieve some stress and depression off of her.

Right now the advice I give you is to stay by her side. You’ve already proven to be such a great friend by noticing her signs of depression and sticking by her during such a horrendous moment in her life. With her losing her mother and father recently, I can honestly say she really needs someone to stand by her now, more than ever.

It’s normal for her to build a wall around herself right now, seeing as she’s just lost two very dear people in her life.  You can’t expect her to be a happy-go-lucky child after her life has been turned upside down.

If you feel like this is more than you can handle, talk to your school’s guidance counselor about this. I know how they are stereotyped as people who will just ask you, “And how does that make you feel?” but I’m telling you honestly; they can help. Heck it’s their job to help whether they like it or not.

I know that you two might be worried about the bully and what she might do. Here’s my word on it: you can be stronger in numbers. If she’s just alone and she has a small clique with her, gather your friends to stand by your side. Show her that you guys are fearless and her words mean nothing to you. After seeing she has no effect, chances are she’ll just leave you alone and hopefully find something better to do with her life. However, one of the important things is to not stoop to her level. Maybe the bully is just waiting for someone to lash back out at her and pick a fight. Be the bigger person and take the matter in a way a mature person would do. If you turn the tables and show that you’re the better person, you’ll be surprised how quickly things can get better from there.

Cyber bullying is simply unacceptable. It’s just as worse as face-to-face and in-person bullying. If the bully is tormenting your friend via Facebook it tells me several things. One of them is that the bully is a coward. She has no guts to say it in person and for all you know; she might just be all talk and no play. Words can hurt but it all depends on how much you want them to affect you. If this harassment continues, I recommend that your friend deactivate her Facebook or simply stay offline for the time being. Don’t let her read any of the messages the bully is sending because at that rate, she’s just falling right into the bullies hands and torturing herself. If anything, she can report the bully to both the site and authorities.

As for your friend’s depression, keep a close eye on her. She’s not only lost one but two loved ones and it’s no surprise that she’s breaking down. Make sure to keep a close eye out if she starts showing any signs of suicide. I know what you’re thinking, “Woah suicide?! Is it that serious?!” But don’t worry, I’m only giving you a heads up. If she has a stable group of supporters, she won’t fall that deep into thinking of such an idea. Some of the signs could be:

• Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself.
• Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
• Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
• Talking about being a burden to others.
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
• Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
• Sleeping too little or too much.
• Withdrawn or feeling isolated.
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
• Displaying extreme mood swings.
• Preoccupation with death.
• Suddenly happier, calmer.
• Loss of interest in things one cares about.
• Visiting or calling people to say goodbye.
• Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
• Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

Make sure you keep her mind occupied. Doing small things like inviting her to grab a burger after school or taking the bus together can go a long way, trust me. It’s even better if you guys make group plans and go hang out with a bunch of friends. It’ll show her that you have her back and that she isn’t alone because, given her situation, the last thing she wants to feel in loneliness. However, don’t bombard her with plans and hang out every hour of the day! She’ll feel like you’re only pitying her at that rate and it won’t do her any good. It’s better to act natural but give her just a tiny bit more attention than usual.

Another setback could be closure about her mother. Maybe she just can’t shake off the feeling or hope that somehow her mother isn’t gone. I’m not telling you to go straight up to her and confront her about her mother’s death, but try and show her that you’re there for her. Show her how you can lend your shoulder to cry on and give her a hug when she needs it. If anything, telling her that, “things will get better,” can ignite that tiny spark of hope that can burst into a flame and lighten her up.

Since all of her friends seemed to have left her, she needs a true friend more than ever. She’s probably already convinced herself that everyone’s leaving her one after another (first her mom, then her dad, now her friends, etc.). She needs to get off that road and mindset. Be the one to show her that things will change and be the one to stand by her. If you were in the same situation, wouldn’t you want someone to do the same to you?

I’m so sorry that you were put in the middle of all this chaos, but I’ll tell you something: things will get better. You might think, “Oh yeah, what do you know?” I may not be there in person, but if there’s one thing I know is that once you’ve hit rock bottom, the only other direction left is to go up. Your friend just needs a little bit of a push to start her way back up. Things may seem like they won’t get better but they will, and I think you know as well as I do that you need to stay strong for both yourself, and your friend(:

I send my condolences to her deceased mother and I wish both you and your friend the very best. Fighting! (:

~(Chingu) 친구