Doll: I'm entering grade nine in less than a month, my sister is going off to university in a week, and my brother will be starting kindergarten soon. Ever since grade seven, I've been trying to get a highest grades possible. My sister (who also went to my junior high school), was really known for her extremely high grades. My parents (mostly my mom) tells me to get the highest grades in the school. I constantly tell her that I can't, but she ends up yelling at me. I try so hard to get good grades, but it's never enough for her. I once brought home my report card, and my lowest mark was 80%, which is extremely good. I got yelled at multiple times for not getting a 90. I tell my mom all the time that I don't need to be the best, but she never listens to me. When my dad drives me to school, he always asks if I'm number one in school. When I reply "no" or "I don't know", he gets extremely angry to a point where he wants to hit me. I've been hit before, especially because of my grades. I tell them it's child abuse and you can go to jail for it and they stop. I'm emotionally abused by my family everyday. Saying "good job" once in a while would make me happy. What can I do to make myself more strong?

Friend: Dear Doll,

A lot of people deal with the pressure to be perfect, especially if it’s around their siblings. But let’s face it: nobody’s perfect. In those situations, parent(s) should never compare their children to one another and criticize their kids just because one of them isn’t exactly like the other. One thing I wanna tell you first is to not put yourself down (and congrats on getting such a great report card before)!(: I’m sure that you have something unique about yourself that your brother or sister don’t have. Every single person is born different from the other, even if they are in the same house hold.

A majority of parents wish their children to be the perfect child, but we all know that will never happen. After all, what is the “perfect child?” I think your mom is just having difficulty realizing that you aren’t like your sister, which isn’t a bad thing. Next time you and her get into a heated argument, try to be the bigger person and not raise your voice. Show her that you can be mature and calmly explain to her that you aren’t like you’re sister. You two are two different people, regardless of shared DNA, and I think your mom should really try and comprehend that. Open her field of vision to see that she shouldn’t expect you to be an exact replica of her eldest daughter, you are your own person that (I’m sure) has many amazing qualities about yourself that are different from your sister.

Next time your dad asks you if you’re number one, don’t just give him simple answers like “no” or “I don’t know.” He only wants to know how you’re doing in school and by shutting him off and giving him such answers (especially ones he doesn’t want to hear); he’ll only think that you’re rebelling (parents have weird logic sometimes). Instead of your usual responses, you can tell him that no you’re not number one but you’re trying. End the conversation on a positive note – mention how you finally understood how to figure out that math problem, or how your teacher tells you how you’ve been improving at a tremendous rate. Finish off with anything that can show progress and potential(:

No parent should ever raise a hand against their child because, like you said so yourself, it’s child abuse. That sentence is pretty self-explanatory. There are better ways of teaching a child their wrongdoings other than physical punishment. However in your case, you’ve done nothing wrong so I don’t see it fit that your parents should ever raise a hand at you again. Instead of the argument turning into a physical one, make sure you stay level-headed and speak in a calm tone. If you’re calm, your parents should be too. If you just raise your voice and shout, it’ll only spike up their anger which in turn could lead to physical punishment. You have to show them that you’re willing to talk with them in a mature style.

Just a side question, have you ever asked them for help? You say that they constantly tell you to get high grades but are they doing anything themselves to try and actually help you? Next time you don’t know how to figure out a problem, try and ask your parents for some assistance. Be patient with them and hope that they do the same(:

I know you might feel like you’re being hidden by your sister’s shadow, you just have to find a way to step to the side so you can be seen standing next to her instead of being hidden behind her. Your sister will be going away to a university, meaning that your parents won’t be focusing on her as much as they will on you and brother from now on. Some parents start to baby their younger children once their first one leaves and becomes an adult, so that might take a few loads off of you.

I think that maybe, just a tiny bit, you were being held back by your true potential because of your sister’s intimidating shadow. Her future’s already starting and your parents only want you to follow in her footsteps.

Don’t be too hard on your parents; they’re strict because they think this is the best for you. They want you to be successful like your elder sister and, in their eyes, they think that the methods they are using are going to benefit you. However, their methods are clearly causing you much distress so go ahead and sit down with them and talk about it. Explain to them how you think that their words aren’t really helping you but actually doing the opposite and downgrading you. It won’t take long for them to realize that they may in fact be wrong, and they will hopefully change their ways.

My advice to staying strong is to stay on the right track. I know that we all yearn for our parent’s attention and for them to praise us at every accomplishment we do, but sometimes you just have to worry about yourself, and only yourself, for a change. If you’re happy with the grade you got and you think it’s something amazing(like your 80’s ;] ) then you shouldn’t let other people’s words affect you. In the end, they aren’t the ones who got the grade – you are. So be proud Doll! I don’t know if your parents are aware of this but an 80+ is considered an B. Not a C, D, or F but a B. Some people would kill for such a grade! It’s more than enough to get you through school and you’re only one letter away from an A ;)  Show them how much you’ve improved from before to now.

I know it can be hard to not try and compare yourself to those that are higher than you in every little thing, but instead of seeing them as threats, take them on as a challenge. Next time someone gets a few marks higher than you, take it as a wall you have to knock down to be one step closer to being number one. In my honest opinion, I think everyone has a chance at being truly brilliant in anything they do – they just have to work hard for it(:

A tip I recommend is getting a few study partners or heck, go ahead and gather a group of study buddies :P Believe it or not, when you have friends there to help you through your struggles and push you forward, it can and will make a difference. This next part might be hard to believe, but studying can actually be fun if it’s done right.

As soon as those grades go up, your parents will stop nagging you. You may not be able to say that you’re at the top of the school, but aiming to improve and progress in your work is a great way to start. You can stay on the right track and before you know it, you’ll have the right to say you’re at the top of your class, then grade, and finally you can someday proudly say, “I’m number one in my school.” Just pace yourself and keep your eye on the ball.

We all have those moments when we break down and it’s ok - no one’s superman. Heck, even superman has a weakness, just like the rest of us. We just have to brush ourselves off and stand up even taller, making sure that the thing that pushed us down won’t push us back down again a second time.

Doll, I may not be your parent but, “good job(: ” Fighting!~

~(Chingu) 친구