NovenTaem: Uhm hi, I chanced upon this when I was exploring AFF.. I have so many problems, I don't know where to start.
My dad is abusive to me and my mum. Emotionally and phsyically. My mum once called the police because he beat her up again. But his friend bailed him out. He also tried to strangle me twice. He is very old fashion minded. Females in this house have no respect or privacy whatsoever. He doesn't even want me to go to school. But to people outside, he's just a man who loves his family. He keep lying about me to people. Things like I don't wash my underwear or I lied about him beating me. Stuff like that. He tells me all the time to just go and die, jump off a building, or go be a positute to get some money. I'm only 15. I run away from home before. Even if it's just one night.
My mum divorced him because of his abusive ways. She's moving out. I don't want her to go but it's the best for her. She's only 39 and she's talented, smart, is a childcare teacher, tutor and all. With diplomas and everything. She still have a bright future. I have to let her go even though that means leaving me alone in this hell hole. My dad her before. She also had a miscarriage before. I've heard rumors from relatives and all. The child might be my half sibling.
My younger brother, only ten years old, is very violent. He learnt from his father and always beats me up and eat all my food when I get some. My dad doesn't cook for me. And I seldom get pocket money. I am 10kg underweight, covered in scars and bruises all over. Especially my legs. He is a very strong boy for his age and I'm a very weak girl who's always sick. I love him so much but I don't know what to do. He doesn't respect females. Nobody wants to be his friend because he bullies them. My dad always blame me for anything that happens to my brother.
Scars? Well, I cut myself. I started cutting in primary 5, when I was 11. I was bullied in school since primary 1. Always the quiet outcast. The bookworm. The nerd. I used to have no problems with studies at all. Always top in class. Then I just hid in my storybooks, reading from dusk to dawn. Neglecting my studies in process. I just want to hide in my own imaginary world.
I used to have this friend I grew up with. Childhood bestfriends. We actually loved each other. Pure innocent love. But my father kept borrowing money from his parents. In the end, we are not allowed to have contact anymore. He used to tell me that, I still have him. He was always there for me. Every single memory I have from my 'childhood' have him in it. It's so torturous. I think I've moved on but he'll always be in my heart. He was also my first and only friend, the first person who have been nice to me. I really had no friends.
Now in secondary school, I am still bullied. Even more then before. They throw things at me, write mean things about me, steal my books, take away my table, chair. The whole class will take part in scolding me vulgarites and such. For 3 years. And most of the time, it's all the classes in the level. Just because someone spread about my family situation and that I'm poor. And the only few friends I have are males. It was so bad, I once skipped school for 20days in a term. I had to stay back for a year. But no matter. Many people did too. They school only gave us trainee teachers and teachers that scold us vulgar words. Half the class retained. Those kids smoke and burn things in class, take drugs, watch in class. Even teachers watch and read with them too.
Yes my family is poor. But my father spends my pocket money on smoking and drinking. The hundreds I saved are all taken away. Even my bursary money. And money I earned from working part time.
I'm depressed. I cut, bang my head on walls and laugh at the feeling. I'm so sadistic. I take whatever pills I find and eat them all at once. Why nothing happens, I don't know. Once I couldn't stand up. Just laid on the living room floor. I tried to get help from my brother but he just stepped over me to watch tv. I sometimes drink whatever alcholic drink I can find at home. Wine, beer, whatever. Every little thing can make me cry. So many times, I write goodbye letters, notes. So many times I stand on the highest level on my flat, wondering if I should jump. So many times, I press the blade against my wrist, wondering if I should just cut and end it. Nobody would care anyway.
I sleep so much, so that I can escape into my dreams. It's the only place I can be just a tiny bit happy. But he's taking it away from me too. Making me do so much housework. He talks to me like a slave, orders me around. My brother too.
I don't know what to do anymore.. I just wanna end my life. Eveybody will be so much happier right? My dad doesn't have to spend money on my medical fees and needs and he hates girls anyway. Everyone already told me how much I'm not needed in this world. Teachers too. Because I'm poor.
So I'm thinking, maybe I should.

Friend: Dear NovenTaem,

Your letter left me so heartbroken and speechless. If I only knew you in person I wish I could hug you, pat your back comfortingly, and tell you that things can only get better and that you should never end your life. Sometimes fate puts us in such horrible situations and we’re forced to put up with them. I commend you so much for standing upright for so long after all you’ve been through. I may not be there for you physically but please understand this that I say this with honesty – my advice column and inbox will always be open for you to rant, talk, or spill to. I’m happy you were able to find my advice column and I promise that I’ll put in everything into this letter just like I do for everyone else. I wish I could give you a free ticket to a happily ever after, yet we both know that such things don’t exist. Even though I cannot guarantee you a perfect life, I can offer you some advice that can help lighten your burden and hopefully bring back a pure and loving smile(:

Child abuse is such a global problem and it’s sickening to know that so many cases go unknown or unpunished. Your mother was right to leave your father yet I have to ask – why didn’t you go with her or why didn’t she take you with her? It’s quite sad that we live in a world where everyone goes by the motto of “it’s every man for himself/herself” and well, as humans, we just have to try and live through it all. I’d hate to tell you this but from what you’re telling me – you’re going to have to bear with this deep abyss for a little longer by yourself.

No parent should ever tell their child to die after they’re the reason why they were brought into the world to begin with. One thing I want to tell you is that you should not listen to him when he tells you that kind of stuff. No matter who tells you to kill yourself or do other kind of negative stuff – don’t listen to them. At this point, it’s only you against the world and you’ll have to give it your all to stand up for yourself and fight for your life. Your life isn’t your father’s life and he has no control over it after how he treated you. The minute he raised his hand on you, told you to die, abused you, and treated you as anything but a daughter is the moment where he can no longer call himself a proud father. Your mother has a bright future ahead of her and there’s no reason that you, as her daughter, shouldn’t have one as well. I know it may be hard to report a family member, but it needs to be done NovenTaem. I’m sure that with enough evidence of your bruising and scarring, you can come up with a verdict and send your father away from you. Child abuse is a serious case and it shouldn’t be dealt with lightly. Try and find a program or a professional and seek help right away. This has gone on far enough and it needs to cease before it gets any worse. Try to make sure that you have a strong support system beside you and you have someone to lean on – whether it be a reliable adult or authority figure.

As for your brother, you can’t let him step all over you like that NovenTaem. Since he has been brought up with the mindset that it’s ok to hurt women like your father has done, you need to try and make sure he doesn’t do so anymore. I can’t tell you to try and talk sense into him because I have a feeling that with two men in your household, the chances of you having a calm family discussion is very slim. You can attempt to try and tell them that you can’t handle any more of their beatings, but if they ignore you and continue to abuse you – try your utmost best to stay out of their way. If anything, I do hope that your school or city has some sort of program that can help you out of this situation. The government shouldn’t let such a case go by unnoticed and it should be brought to their attention.

I’m sorry that your father has caused you to separate from your friend NovenTaem, it’s always difficult when we lose such an endearing friend. I know I’m not their physically and all that connects us is this advice column, but I do mean it when I tell you that you can write to me and I’ll listen(: Just because we lose one friend NovenTaem, it doesn’t mean we won’t be able to gain anymore. There are good people in this world NovenTaem, not only ones like your father, brother, teachers, or schoolmates. There are kind ones out there that will reach out and give you a helping hand. Sometimes it just takes us a little longer to find them since they’re so rare ;]

Now onto schoolwork. Pay no attention to your classmates NovenTaem, it’s their decision to behave in such an inappropriate and immature way and there is no need that they should affect your studies. They can pretend that bullying others and failing classes is cool but in the end when the future comes, they’ll regret every ounce of it when they will be jobless and uneducated. Education is one of the few things that can make a person rich. Not in paper or bills but in knowledge and you know what they say – the pen is mightier than the sword. I know it’s hard to try and focus on school when you’re dealing with so much at home but trust me, if you do really well then it’ll pay off a lot in the future. Why is that? Because while colleges and universities view applications that show how they failed and aren’t even trying, they’ll take a double look at your brilliant application and won’t hesitate to bring you into their school family(: If you’re behind in classes, you’ll just need to try and catch up. With this, you can either ask a teacher or someone to tutor you. Your teachers may be as bad as some of the classmates, but I guarantee you that there should be at least one teacher in your school that will be willing to help you out(: If not, then I bet you can find one student who also wants to further their education and you two can strive through it together. It’ll be tough NovenTaem but nothing is ever handed to you on a silver platter.

Don’t. NovenTaem don’t you ever think on ending your life. I’ve said this countless times and I’ll continue to say it until I lose my voice but absolutely no life should ever be worth ending by your own two hands. No matter how dark your life may seem, no matter how deep of a hole you’re in, there is always a way out of it. It may be hard, rough, and nearly impossible, but there is a way and you need to cling onto that possibility with every ounce you have. The minute you end your life – your father wins. He’ll finally have victory and will get what he continues to say he wants. Do you really want that NovenTaem? Heck, ending your life shouldn’t even have anything to do with your father. It’s your life and you’re the one that is living it, not him. Don’t let him control it. Who says that everyone will be happier if you disappeared? Even though I probably have no say in the matter, I for one will not be happy at all if I knew that someone ended their life given the circumstance. It’s sad when someone thinks to commit suicide and it’s truly heartbreaking when someone goes through with it. So what if you’re poor NovenTaem? It’s only a small detail of your life. If someone is ugly does it make them hated by everyone? If someone is overweight does that really mean they will never find a friend or loved one? Of course not. And to add to that, you aren’t even half way done your life NovenTaem! Unless you are 40-50 years old (which I highly doubt), you are not even halfway done with living! There is so much more to experience in life NovenTaem. So far, you’ve only experienced the bad side of life but I’m telling you this with experience and honesty that there are so much more sweeter, brighter, and happier things to look out for!

Overall NovenTaem, life is really hard for you I understand. But the minute you fight back, get up on both your feet and start walking towards the brighter future, things will change. The changes may start as something small and unnoticed, but they’ll grow and soon enough – you’ll be walking with your chin up high and your teeth showcasing a bright and amazing smile. I wish you the utter best and I’m sorry I couldn’t get to your letter sooner. Have a very Merry Christmas and I hope the New Year has a ton of bright things in store for you(: Take care!

~(Chingu) 친구