DisappearingGirl: Ahh... this is a lot to write. There's so much to tell you because all of the details make you understand my specific situation but I know you don't have all day, so I'm gonna try to make it as short as possible.
Lately, I've been thinking more and more of suicide. I know the chances of me killing myself for real are actually like .1%, but the thought "I want to die" comes to me every single day. I don't feel safe anywhere anymore. My parents are divorced and I live with my mom and grandma and their side of the family. My mom is an alcoholic and we fight a lot. A LOT. She doesn't try to hide it that she thinks I'm a "nasty " and has told me before that she doesn't care what happens to me, whether I die or go away forever or killed myself. I've told her of my depression since I was 12, but she never listened to me and dismissed me. I told her of my cutting once and she also dismissed me and said that she doesn't care because I've hurt her by trying to take her alcohol away from her. (Oh, my cuts aren't serious, I promise. Nowhere near veins or anything, hidden by short sleeves, even; just enough to make me focus on the pain in my arm. Not even deep.) My dad doesn't really listen to me, either. He keeps interrupting me and telling me what HE thinks about my situation and how HIS life is so much worse and he's been through worse (which isn't a lie, but how does it help my situation?) Both of my parents don't really care about anything I do. I had an exciting event last week where I had an amazing opportunity to live a dream and they didn't even care. The rest of my family, pretty much ignores me. My uncle hates me because a few weeks ago, he had friends over and they were in his room with mom and all getting high and drunk and the rest of my family was trying to sleep (they're elderly) and it was getting late and I asked him first to turn the music down and when they stayed noisy, I asked them to leave and he cursed me out and said I needed to respect him because I'm 18 and he's 52 (but shouldn't HE respect the rest of the household, especially those who raised HIM, and especially if he's 52 and still living with his mother and doesn't own the house... but I digress).
I'm currently in school, in a community college, but we can barely afford it this semester due to financial aid problems. That's not what bothers me, it's the fact that when my parents separated when I was a kid, my dad paid child support, up to $60,000, I believe, added up over the years, and my mother told me my dad rarely ever paid and ended up spending that money on herself, on drugs and alcohol. I wouldn't be struggling and falling behind in school due to money issues if she hadn't done that, and lied to me all the time. We also would have never been evicted from my childhood home, had she not wasted money like that. She's always trying to turn me against my dad; there's a lot of tension between my parents (he comes around a lot, every day, to check up on me) and I feel like I'm caught in the middle of it.
That's not all of my home life but you get the gist, right?
And then there's this boy that I've been in love with since I was 14. We dated but now we're not exactly together. Tbh, I don't get it. But he's still in my life. His family has always been there for me and takes me in whenever there's problems at home. In fact, I stay here several days a week and I've moved a lot of my precious things here so my mom can't destroy them. I practically live here, lol. But anyway, this boy, I feel like he's drifting from me. I think he's met another girl and this bothers me because though we didn't have that official "title" for like two years now, we still acted like a couple. All of a sudden a few weeks ago he stopped kissing me and being intimate with me and it's so weird... he's texting someone a lot recently, too. I'm not one for confrontation so I don't ask him about it and since we're not together, why should I care, technically? (and even if we were, I've never been that kind of girl to go through phones & such; that's HIS privacy. And I've never been one to tell him who to talk to and stuff. That's HIS life, after all). I'm so scared because he has ALL of me, literally. We know all of each other's secrets, lost our v-cards to each other, he's been with me through fights with my mom, through the eviction, through family members passing and such, and his family has taken me in happily. I FINALLY feel like I have a family who loves me, and I'm scared to lose him and them, though he tells me time and time again he will NEVER leave my side. It's not like he's a huge jerk or anything, in fact nobody's ever treated me better, EVER. But I think my insecurities are getting to me. Those who've known us the whole time are always having to tell me that they KNOW he loves me (and he keeps having to reassure me, too) so maybe I'm overreacting... like always? Idk.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I have social anxiety disorder but I don't want to say that for sure until I have been to a psychiatrist... who I'm too scared to call right now, but I will soon...
I'm just so... worn out. Verbally abused, hurt, scared, don't know what I'm going to do in the future and I'm terrified to be alone. I just want to disappear, honestly. I'm SO sorry that I just loaded you with all of this crap! I just... nobody listens to me, you know? So, thank you for at least taking the time to listen to me. Thank you SO much. Honestly. From the bottom of my heart.

Friend: Dear DisappearingGirl,

First off I’d like to say that my advice column will always be open to you and anybody else out there with problems. Although I’m not there in person and I have never met you, if I knew your situation I’d have definitely offered you a hug and patted your back saying that things will get better. Once you hit rock bottom, the only way left is to go up(: I’m sorry you have to go through such troubling times on the brink of adulthood (since you’ve started college and there’s no need for you to be stressed over such a thing during the time you’ll be sent out into the adult world). I wish I could give you the perfect directions on how to maintain a perfect and happy life, but sadly I don’t think such instructions exist. I’ll be honest and say that I don’t think you, or anybody, will have the perfect life, but we can definitely try our hardest to live the best life we each deserve to live(:

I’ll be straight to the point and tell you that suicide and cutting is a serious issue. You’re more than old enough to realize the dangers for such actions and I know that you can dig yourself out of this hole(: Even though the cutting hasn’t gotten to the point of hitting a vein, who’s to say it won’t hit that point one day? I know we all say we can control ourselves and we won’t go past that point, but how many times have we lied to ourselves? It could’ve been the little things like saying, “Oh I’ll only eat one more cookie” and finishing the entire box to bigger things like, “I’ll only try cutting once” to ending your life the next time. I know you won’t do that DisappearingGirl but I think it’s better to be safe than sorry and just throw away that blade for good. Hurting yourself is never an option and I don’t think the human body deserves such measures and abuse.

Onto the next issue: suicide. DisappearingGirl, you know as well as I do that absolutely no one, should ever throw away their life. Whether it be the nastiest or the sweetest people who live on this planet, we were all brought into this world for a reason whether it be big or small. We were each given an opportunity to live life and live it to its absolute fullest. Nobody should end it before their time was up. I could go on and on about how precious every individual’s life is, but I feel like it’ll only feel like a boring college lecture. So I’ll say this instead; do you really want to end your life? Are you really willing to leave this earth and not look back on ONE single thing? Think about this really hard, just as you’re about to swallow those handful of pills, or jump off the building, or whatever, nothing will flash through your mind? Think about those dear friends who have always managed to put a smile on your face. Think about those teacher’s you’ve made a good impression on who might have thought, “Wow she’s such an amazing student. She’ll go so far.” Heck, think about that one test you took this week whose grade you want to know because you know you did damn good on it. I don’t think anyone can end their lives without something holding them back. So DisappearingGirl, I ask you to do just that. Whether it be something small or big, hold onto that one piece that’ll motivate you into staying. Out there somewhere in the world, someone is on a hospital bed fighting for their dear lives because nature is going against them. And here you are wanting to end it? Talk about ouch for the person in that hospital bed. You can definitely overcome these problems heading your way and you’ll hopefully bury this past and not return to it. In my opinion, I believe suicidal people are quite selfish. You may be thinking, “What the heck, why? Or rather even how?!” I’ll tell you why. It’s because when they end their lives, they don’t realize just how much their life has impacted others. The minute that person wipes off the face of the planet, their loved ones shed tears knowing that they’ll never come back and will be left with so many questions as to why such a tragedy has occurred. So here’s another little outlook on life DisappearingGirl – before you end your life, think about all those people who are close to you. If you were in any of their positions, would you really be ok with them committing suicide?

I know this is WAY too much for you to handle DisappearingGirl, especially during your important college years, but it’s never impossible to balance it out(: College life is pretty damn hard, I already know from all of my college friends that always cram and study 24/7. But as long as you put in 110% of your effort, it will all surely pay off(: If you’re having problems with a class, ask a friend or professor to tutor you. You’ll be surprised how many people are willing to help one another out. If you think that everything’s just caving in and you’re just piled up with more than you can handle, I really recommend either dropping that AP or advanced class and go into a regular one, or simply just drop that extra-curricular activity you have. I know you must’ve worked extremely hard to get into that AP class, but I want you to realize that if you continue to struggle with it and end up failing it, then what was the point in being in that class to begin with? However, if you really think you can do it, give it your all and the sky’s your limit :D I cannot stress how important school is, whether it be high school, middle school, or college. Every year counts and every year will get you one step closer to your dream job. If you give it your all and the results reflect all that hard work, you’ll look back on all those study sessions and think, “Wow, I’m so happy all of that paid off.”

As for your parents, I can only tell you to stay strong DisappearingGirl. There are both good and bad parents in this world and you just happened to be struggling with those that are giving you a hard time. I know you’ve tried this so many times before, but try and talk to them once more. Calmly explain to them how you’re dealing with things and you really want them to listen, hear you out, and give them their own advice. No parent should ever say they don’t care if their child ends their life or calls them a “nasty .” If they continue to hurt you then I see it best to try to exclude them from your life. You don’t have to keep them locked out forever, just long enough until your life can settle down and return to normal. Right now, you need to focus on schooling and getting your career started.  You’re already 18 years old DisappearingGirl, you have the option to move out and find your own place or just bear a few more years until you’re out on your own(:

Which brings me to my next and final topic – you’re boyfriend (?) I thinks it’s great you’ve found someone who’s able to be that wall you can lean on, it’s great knowing that there’s always someone there who’s got your back huh?(: It’s extremely kind and generous that his family has done so much to help aid you in your time of need, be sure to let them know that you’re thankful for their support(: Now onto the matter of your relationship. The way I see it is that there are two possibilities. Either you may be, just as you’ve said it, overthinking it or he just wants some space. Guys are some tricky and confusing beings let me tell you DisappearingGirl -_- Your guy might just be dealing with some things right now and wants to focus on those things first. Maybe he has a big final coming up for school or he’s dealing with some personal matters that don’t include you. Please don’t read that last part of the sentence in a wrong way, I just think he wants to try and be by himself for a little while (after all, we all go through that phase once in a while right?). I respect you that you aren’t those crazy girlfriends who look through their guy’s phone. That really shows how much trust the two of you have for one another(: In my opinion, I believe that either way whether this guy is your boyfriend or not, he will still remain to be an amazing friend that has your back no matter what. After all, knowing him since you guys were 14? Wow(: Try to just stay calm and wait patiently. After all, if you were put into his situation wouldn’t you want him to do the same? ;]

I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to get to your letter sooner DisappearingGirl and I hope this wasn’t replied too late >< I really meant it when I said my advice column will be open for you and everyone else(: I truly hope everything goes well for you and that your life goes uphill(: Take care!~

~(Chingu) 친구