On a rainy day, sitting by my windowsill, I tried to slow down my rushed schedule.

The schedule that was once full and was done with passion, now empty and was done by regret.

I could gawk at my diary, its current page mocking what my heart really was. Nonetheless, I make an attempt to fill it up with whatever’s inside my mind. With every , every word written, and with every thought released, my body shuts down. My heart grew sad and my tears started to come as I was writing it out.

If only I could turn back the clock. I would’ve thought positively and put a smile in my heart.

“Yuri-ya~”

There she was in her funny glory, waddling her way to me as she quacked to every person she met. I felt her hug and kisses on my forehead and I can’t help but hug her back. 

“You’ve been dreaming of me, right?” She asked with gleam in her eyes.

“Even if you went to a sports event in Jeju or in another planet, I’ll always dream of you.”

She was happy. I was happy. We walked together towards our classroom, holding hands as if the world will separate us right now.

I pray to the Almighty that it won’t happen because we were meant to be together.

+++

I wouldn’t be used to breaking the tensions and go on with the usual life. Even if the events had ceased to exist, I barely live happily and I barely get through each day.

“Yuri-ya~” 

It wasn’t you. It was your sister of a different bloodline, her vibe almost the same with yours.

“Yujin-ah. Wonyoung-ah.” I waved and got to them.

The three of us ate at a café, watched a movie, played with puppies, and threw rocks on the stream as they skidded. It went on the whole day and it was fun being able to hang out with them.

When it ended, I bid my farewells and headed home. My carefree nature wad left outside our doors as I arrived and got in, only for it to return into a sad state. With every step I took, I drop a tear. 

It had been like that. When I think about you, I cry. When I remember our wonderful memories together, I cry. And when someone asks me about you, I cry.

How did an angel like you be taken from me so soon?

“Yuri-ya~ say Ah~”

Yena held a spoonful of ice cream close to my mouth and ate. “This is delicious.”

“Really?” She gleamed again. “I’ll buy a gallon for you.”

“Aish!” I chuckled as I nudged her shoulder. “I might get diabetes for that!”

“Why not? That way, you’ll be sweet everyday!”

I nudge her again and she quacked her laughter out. Nonetheless, she and I resumed eating our desserts and just be happy together.

+++

The night was dark as my field of thought wandered with the night sky. I rolled to the side and rummaged my hand on the other side of the bed, for a moment realizing that I was alone. I toss and turn in this night when I can’t sleep but the tears keep coming…

…because I was thinking about you.

I always had and I always will.

You and I were playing our instruments, you with your guitar and me with my piano. We would always connect and embrace our relationship with music, whether we play or sing. It was our beacon away from the world that will never understand us.

But why? Why are you becoming like that world?

I called you to play properly but she was strumming out in tune. I called you again but you purposely made it worse. I called you for the third time and you flipped out, throwing your guitar across the room.

I ask what’s wrong but you turned a blind eye and stormed out of our house, driving her big bike to who knows where. I just sat there crying, scared of what you were becoming.

I am here, right? Why can’t you open up to me?

+++

Morning had come and it was the day. I put on a monochrome-themed set of clothes and prepared the things I needed to bring. I got to your big bike and drove for miles and miles, up until I got to an overview.

That spot became very special to me. There were candles and flowers around and nobody dared to tear this area down. It became a sacred ground for your family and friends…

…and it became my remaining memory of you.

I put flowers and your favorite figurine of us. I even got a cloth and wiped your frame plus I lit the candles again. I got up and I would die to just look at you forever.

“If you’re seeing someone else in your next life, I’ll hope you’ll understand her more than what you do to me. Hopefully, you wait for me to get there and let me be that person again..” I added. “And I hope you’ve erased all the bitter memories of our past love. That way…” I stopped as I teared up. “…we can start over as if we’ve never met before.”

My feet became quick to let me run towards the waiting room. As I got inside, I saw her parents and brother sobbing crying on a covered body. I refused to believe that it was her. It couldn’t be her!

Until the news was heard.

Just in. A twenty year-old woman was found dead after crashing towards a cliff of an overview. Police suggests that the woman lost control in driving and crashed down. She had no helmet, causing a severe concussion that shut down her system completely.

 
And with the ID shown on the screen, I fell to my knees. I didn’t even notice her parents and her brother walking out. They might’ve been too scared to accept that she was dead.

Me? I was horrified.

“Y-Yena?”

Saying her name would’ve felt like sugar on my taste buds but now, it felt like salt was shoved on my throat. My feet carried me and I walked towards the body and uncovering it.

The news didn’t lie, even if I wished it did.

“Yena!” I held her face and nudged her. “Yena-oh God…my Yena…my love…w-why did you…” 

I pulled her close to me and sobbed like I wreck. I was angry at her – because she didn’t tell me if something was bothering her that has now caused her death – and at myself – because I didn’t bother to check on her when she needed me the most.

That anger was of no use now because she’s gone. 

+++

“Oh you…”

I looked to the side and there she was. She still had that gleam in her eyes as she held my hand. A part of me wanted to hug her, to cry about how she was gone from me, and to tell her that I love her and that I want her to return to me.

But this wasn’t real. And even it if was, she won’t stay for long.

“Don’t cry for me, Yuri-ya. The truth is I’ve never left you. I’ll always be here.” She puts a hand on my chest. “I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you that I was battling cancer. The monster from my childhood bit me in the again.”

“You could’ve told me…” I cried. “I could’ve been there for you!”

“It already happened so please don’t blame yourself…but you can make it up to me.”

“How?” 

“By erasing all the bitter and keeping the sweet. That way…” I froze as she lets go. “…we can start over in the next life as if we never happened.”

I opened my eyes and I was greeted by the sunset. I looked to the side and there was no one. The bitterness I had kept for so long was slowly coming out of my system. I commemorate her one last time and got to her big bike, driving home safely.

All of those that we said are no more…

…as if we never happened.