Biting my lip I glance around the little café, it’s still fairly early and between rushes so the place is mostly empty, but Jay said this would be a good place to meet. It’s just been so long since I last saw him, and we may be talking a bit more, but it just feels strange that I’m technically not attached to anyone and I’m going to see an ex-boyfriend.

“Jay is the safe choice.” Miyoung-Unnie says while we eat. “Jay is the guy who will let you make all your own choices.”

“And there is something wrong with that?” I question her frowning, this conversation is weird. “How did we even get on this topic?” I ask her rolling my eyes. “Wait, how is Jay the safe choice?”

“Look, Jay is the guy that you can rely on and sure he is a lot of fun and probably a really awesome boyfriend. Being with him came easy, more or less, the relationship was easy going. Nichkhun though,” She says smirking at me knowingly. “Nichkhun is kinda like the badass that has always been there and waiting for a chance.” Again I roll my eyes are her. “He’s the type of guy that will push you, make you wonder. He'll do everything to stay with you, to keep you.”

“Again, why are we having this conversation?” I ask her slightly annoyed. “Jay is six months into his tour and Nichkhun and I only started dating, and he’s been very sweet.” I tell my Unnie factually. “Besides isn’t it a little early to be saying stuff like that?”

“Hell no.” Miyoung says waving her hand at the thought. “I have been waiting for Nichkhun to make his move forever.” She says smiling happily. “I mean it doesn’t take much to guess that the reason he is sweet on you, moody with things that involving you is because he likes you.”

“God, I don’t want to hear you analyzing this.” I say covering my face.

It feels like it’s been forever since Miyoung and I had that sleepover at her place and she started spouting random things about my relationship with Jay and her wishful thinking about the blooming romance with Nichkhun. It’d been hard to listen to. I know why I’m having such a hard time with this though, I don’t want to lose anyone, I love my job and the people I work with (for), and my friends. Jay though, he doesn’t quite fit into the picture like that. It sounds weird, but all the time I spent with Jay seems like a lifetime ago. So much has happened over the course of the year, or even the last few months even.

Nervously fidgeting I close my eyes trying to get a handle on everything that is happening, the sad feeling that’s taken over me since Nichkhun said we should take a break. As I open my eyes I see that a figure has taken the seat in front of me, this person with his with his short hair, the longer hair on the top of his head, his tired eyes staring at me, a small smile playing across his face. “Hey Jay” I breathe out surprised to see him, well more over that I’d spaced out enough that he’d been able to slip in without me noticing.

“Hey Hollywood” Jay says grinning at me, he lets out a sigh, I suddenly feel the pain in my chest intensify. “It’s really good to see you again.” He says cocking his head to the side slightly. “How have you been?”

I shrug my shoulders; I realize I should have worn a jacket or longer sleeves. My exposed arms seem , Jay’s eyes flash to my arm and he gives me a pointed look. “I’ve been better.” I whisper hoarsely, it’s been hard these last few weeks, much harder than I thought possible.

“What happened to your arm?” He asks extending his long tattooed arm across the table, Jay’s hand forces me to extend my arm fully, he frowns at me. “This looks pretty serious; I mean I can’t even see what actually happened, but it is big and a lot of blood.” He says shaking his head. “They must be freaking out.” I glance away momentarily before I meet his gaze, Jay lets go of my arm and folds his arms. “They don’t know?” He asks quirking an eyebrow.

“Chansung does” I confess gulping. “I got wasted yesterday before we flew back to Seoul, and from the airport I went straight home, showered and changed and came here.” I say staring at me arm for a moment. “A lot has happened.”

“More than just drunk accidents?” Jay asks sarcastically. “Honestly you look like ; we could have met up tomorrow.” Jay says worriedly. “The guys will kill me if you tire yourself out like this.”

I purse my lips as I pull my hands back and wrap them around my cup. “I’m on vacation starting today so it isn’t really a big deal.” I tell Jay quietly, looking back up I see his worried eyes and his head shaking. “A lot has happened Jay, this past year seems like it’s been crazy.”

“So tell me about it.” Jay says catching the hint this time, he leans forward and brushes my hair out of my face, much like he did when we were dating, like when we first met. “You seem worried.”

I nod my head, I smile at Jay because it feels nice to see him, though I am worried, I’m worried about what will happen with talking to Jay, what all this mean exactly to me and Nichkhun. “Chronologically, it took me a while to get over how everything happened with us, how you just erased yourself from my life at my apartment and that we couldn’t even really talk it over.” Jay nods his head like he expected that. “Don’t just sit there and act like it’s all okay, because it isn’t not how you just left me!” I tell him frowning.

“No, it isn’t. I am still beating myself up over that. I replay driving off and leaving you in the street in the cold. I hate myself for that.” Jay says shaking his head sadly. “I left you in the middle of the street on a cold winter night, I hate myself for that.” Jay says shaking his head, and I believe him, he hates himself for leaving like that, I do.

“Nichkhun helped me through a lot of it.” Again he nods his head. “Nichkhun and I started dating, Jay I love him.” I say staring into his eyes.

Jay looks back at me pained, worried to confusion. “What happened then? The Khun I knew wouldn’t let someone he cares about get so drunk that they get hurt.”

I take a deep breath to calm myself. “In the beginning it was really innocent and I wasn’t really expecting to fall in love with him, I wasn’t expecting for the love I have with him, for the love I feel for him to consume like it does.” I tell Jay smiling fondly as memories flash in my mind. “Though, that last leg of the tour in Japan really took its toll.” I say closing my eyes and opening them again. “Jay, I told Chansung, Junho and Wooyoung I’d be meeting you to get closure, to find out all the whys and other things I was left wondering.” Jay is silent as he listens to this; he’s hanging on every word. “Chansung told me that you’d met up with Nichkhun a couple of times while we were still dating.”

“Nichkhun wanted to make sure I was taking care of you.” He says bitterly. “Then I called him, the night I left…I asked him to watch out for you, though I’m sure he told you that.”

“He did, but we started fighting and it lead to us ignoring each other.” I say pursing my lips. “Nichkhun and I aren’t dating right now.” I say in a hushed tone, saying it aloud and in that way made it real.

“Because you’re coming to see me, that doesn’t make sense.” Jay says confused, rubbing his face he stares at me a moment. “He wants you to choose.”

I nod my head. “Nichkhun said that it wasn’t possible for him to let me see you if he and I were still together.”

“Khun was always the jealous type.” Jay says chuckling. “Before you say anything else, before you tell me what you have to say I just want to tell you something.” Jay says affectionately. “I did what I did because I wanted you to be happy here, I wanted to beg you to come, but you’d be miserable leaving them behind.” Jay says quietly. “It’s still hard to see you like this, it was hard leaving you. It was just so easy to start what we had, to keep it like it was, but then things needed to change for us and suddenly it was hard to even look at you, to talk about you, anything that reminded me of you just made me depressed.” Jay says taking his hands and rubbing them together anxiously. “I asked Nichkhun to look after you because I knew he’d do everything I couldn’t. I knew Nichkhun would be everything I’m not.”

“So instead of even attempting anything you passed me off?” I ask Jay frustrated. “I would have cried, I would have been sad, but I would have picked up the pieces on my own. I didn’t need someone to watch over me like that.” I snap at the idol before me, someone who I still care for. “Or you could have tried with me.”

“I know, but Hollywood what you don’t see about yourself is how independent you are.” Jay says with a sad smile. “With us you didn’t rely on me much for anything, you didn’t need me like that. I wanted to do a lot for you, but you weren’t willing to let me, and I know you probably weren’t aware of it, but it still hurt because you’d rely on the others more than you would me.”

I would like to defend myself against that, but I couldn’t. I knew for a fact I didn’t let myself rely too much on Jay, instead I let myself rely on Chansung, Nichkhun, Min-Jun, Junho, Taecyeon and Wooyoung. Not a lot, but enough to help me wake up and get out of bed.

“So make your choice.” Jay says standing up. “I’ll walk out and I can let you be with Nichkhun so you’re happy, or you can stop me.”

I look at my hands then back up at Jay. “You left me behind, you let me cry in the middle of a street, and I waited, but then I find out you asked someone to help me.” Getting up I stare at Jay’s face taking in all his features, everything about him. “You asked Khun to help me. I love you.” I tell him pulling him into a hug, I ignore the sting in my arm, and I try to let go of that sadness that’s rooted in my chest about letting go. Pulling away I shake my head. “But Jay, I’m in love with Nichkhun.”

Jay’s hand lifts to my face and he the side of my cheek fondly. “I know.” He says sadly. “I wish I hadn’t, that I hadn’t known his feelings for you, and I wish I’d seen some way for things to work out between us, but I didn’t and I’m too late.”

“Bye Seattle.” I mumble to him as he turns his back and leaves, he waves to me through the window as he passes by and jogs across the street to his car.

There was no kiss, butterflies or anything telling me to go after Jay. As he pulls into traffic I get my jacket on, pay for my coffee and head back to my apartment. All I know, is I want to sleep right now, I don’t want to process all I want to do is sleep.

As I enter my apartment I blink at the three boys sitting on my couch all talking casually, and as I actually take a moment to look around I notice a fourth, one cooking. “Minho!” I squeal running pass my living room of my young boys instead to tackle one of my very good friends. “It has been forever.” I mumble into his neck.

“It has, and I take it by your lack of communication these last few weeks something happened.” He says knowingly, after all he does have Jay to talk to.

And just like that, the little ray of joy I’d found dissipated. “Nichkhun and I are on a break of sorts, I saw Jay, I’m tired, I slammed my arm into your back and it hurts.” I say letting go to cradle my arm.

Chansung comes running over to inspect the damage. “Noona you’re too clumsy.” He mutters while shaking his head. “I told you we should have gone to a hospital.”

“No, I hate hospitals.” I tell him firmly, I’m sure I’d said the same thing drunk, I turn to see Wooyoung and Junho both staring at my arm. “I hardly even remember the night, if you want to know you’ll have to ask Chansung.” I tell them honestly, though he did give me the general details, I however, am not in the mood to explain anything.

“You didn’t think we should know that she hurt her arm?” Wooyoung asks glaring at the youngest member. “Why exactly Chansung?”

“Nichkhun, as angry as I am with him, if I’d said anything someone would have told him and he’d come storming over here to take care of Noona. He said he wanted to leave her to make her own choice, let her decide what will happen, what she wants. You both heard him.” Chansung says rubbing his temples. “She fell on a glass cup, Noona as she’s just said, hates hospitals and refused to let me take her to one, it took me an hour and half just to take her to a clinic.” Chansung says looking at them. “I had to make a choice, you didn’t hear her crying.” He finishes.

Three of them stare at me, Minho finally speaks up. “How drunk were you?” He asks carefully. “It sounds like you weren't yourself.”

I nod my head. “I wasn't exactly, I drank a lot of whiskey, I was tried, sad, hurt, and angry…I just wanted to forget.” I tell them. “You know it isn’t even just the thing with Nichkhun and Jay, it’s all my family stuff.” I say sitting on the couch completely exhausted. “How can I even begin to think I can have a relationship like this, a life here when I just left the one I had.”

“So then what’s next?” Chansung asks leaning forward and smiling at me sadly. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know yet.” I say while shaking my head and shrugging my shoulders. “I just, I know my mother; if I don’t solve things with her she’ll just make it hell for me with Nichkhun. I have to get that sorted first. Tie up all my loose ends.”

“So then what happens with you and Nichkhun?” Wooyoung asks frowning. “Does that mean you and hyung don’t get back together?”

Junho, Chansung, Wooyoung and Minho all stare at me. It seems weird, I know, but even with Nichkhun I can’t keep the rose-tinted glasses on, I have to work things out with my family. I have to explain to my mother that I’m not getting married to James; I’m not going to take over the company. “It means that right now Nichkhun and I won’t be getting back together.” I tell them sighing heavily. “This is something that, as much as I would like to have someone help me through like I know Nichkhun would, or any of you, I think that I need to do this on my own.”

Junho looks at me; hurt crosses his face, but he gets up and sits next to me, he then wraps an arm around me and rests his head on my shoulder. “You don’t always have to be so strong. It’s okay to rely on others.”

“Jay said the same thing.” Minho then walks over and pats my head like the friend he is, the one that took care of me on my drunk nights out with Miyoung and Ian. The one I came to know while he was still at JYPE.

He smiles at me and takes a seat in front of me. “Hon, Jay, Nichkhun, Me, Chansung, Wooyoung, Taecyeon, Min-Jun, Junho, Ian and Miyoung all love you, we want you to rely on us more, but if you think this is something that you need to do, I for one as your friend will respect that. I just don’t want to find out you’ve flipped out and then find out you’re moving to Antarctica or that you’re marrying creepy James.”

“No marrying James, that will not be happening.” I tell them reassuringly. “When I fly out to see my dad I will be coming back in a week and half.” I tell them resting my head against Junho’s. “I will get off the plane, come back to work and will hopefully have some kind of idea what will happen.”

THE STORY GOES ON.
> n >
M'kay. Good.
 

COMMENT ANSWERS:
 

I'm glad I have some vocal Nichkhun-lovers. I'm hoping I won some of you over
or maybe you guys have always liked Nichkhun.
I know I have some vocal Jay-Lovers too, and I am very happy to still
have you guys.
And as far as Jay goes, he isn't done. This is not the last of Jay, I still have a lot of plans.
So stay tuned. > u <