Nichkhun and I have been (cruelly) left alone in a room for us to talk everything out. Min-Jun is directly in charge of this idea.

Nichkhun looks at me lips pressed in a tight line. “They won’t let us leave this room until we have things sorted out.” Nichkhun starts.

I nod my head, he’s angry at me, and I’m angry at him. Nichkhun has his arms folded across his chest and leaning back in his chair threateningly. “I know.” I whisper looking into his eyes.

“I know you’re angry with me, but to be fair we’re talking about you going to see your ex-boyfriend, who, as you have openly stated that you still love.” He snaps at me breathing heavily.

“I'm going to see him to find out why, I want to know why, I want that closure and I want to hear it from him.” I say frustrated while shaking my head. “I don’t see why you’re so angry about it; I’m not going to see Jay to fall back into his arms.”

Nichkhun glares at me, flinching slightly I meet his gaze. “I’m angry, I’m jealous, I’m scared.” Nichkhun clarifies. “I am angry because you attacked me about talking to Jay, yeah we talked about you and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you still don’t trust me.” Nichkhun seethes. “I’m jealous because it doesn’t seem to matter what I do because you still love Jay. I feel like you love him more, I feel like I won’t ever be good enough. And I am terrified that you’ll take one look at Jay, one word from him and I’ll lose you. That’s the last thing I want, to have gotten to know you, to have fallen in love with you only to be a plaything for you while Jay was gone.”

“I’ve always trusted you Nichkhun” I start slowly; he rolls his eyes at me. “I told you everything about my family, that’s not easy for me, I can talk to you freely and easily without worry and I’m sorry that you feel like I don’t trust you when I do. And just because I love Jay doesn’t mean I love him more. Nichkhun I am in love with you. I do trust you.” I tell him biting my lip. “I do trust you, and I’m not sure what to do to show you that I do trust you. But Jay can tell me a lot of things that I’ve been left in the dark about; I need to know what happened exactly to make him think it would be best for us to break up.”

Nichkhun leans forward and points to himself. “Jay has always known that I’ve liked you. I’m willing to bet that he knew before I even knew. Jay cares about you more than anything and it hurts to know that that’s something we have in common in the exact same way. Jay and I both love you; Jay and I are both in love with you.” He says while pushing himself up. “He at a time was one of my closest friends and all of me knows that is wrong that I am so in love with you, that I care so deeply about you. I feel like I stole you from him, Jay asked me to help you see that things get better, he didn’t want you crying and depressed over the break-up. Jay asked me knowing how exactly I feel about you.”

“I’m not to see Jay to get back with him, I do want Jay back in my life because we had fun, I relax around him in a way I don’t around you guys. He has something about him that just eases me.” I tell Nichkhun standing up as well. “I’m dating you Nichkhun, not because Jay is gone. That’s why I was so terrified of starting what we have. I love you, I am in love with you and I’m not at all sorry that we are in love and together.”

For a moment he silent like he heard what I said, but at the same time he didn’t. “We were best friends once.” Nichkhun says looking at me as though I was a foreign object. “Jay and I got along; we felt the same about all the things around us. We were scared and away from everything we ever knew. We got our dream though. We performed on stage with our best friends.” He says quietly. “We were all together and Jay was with us. Then it was like everything fell apart because of a couple of stupid comments that weren’t translated correctly. We lost Jay and we were all terrified that we’d end up losing each other as well. Then Jay could have come back, but he decided not to. The next thing we knew? We couldn’t talk to Jay, we aren’t allowed to.” Nichkhun says shaking his head. “Jay is gone for a while and then he comes back. He debuts as a solo artist and here we are facing fans saying that we can’t do anything without Jay, that 2PM isn’t 2PM unless we have Jay.”

I stare at Nichkhun, he’s torn up about this, he’s sad and angry about it still and the others probably still feel the same way with how things turned out.

“Most of us haven’t had any contact with Jay since he left. It’s been years, yet Jay still defends us, and we try to do the same.” Nichkhun walks over to me with a pained expression, softly my cheek he frowns. “Then you came into our lives. It was like things were back like before. You brought that sense of completeness. We could all tell you had a lot to handle, that something in you wasn’t quite right like us, you were trying desperately to find a way to fix it, to mend what wasn’t right.”

Biting my lip I nod my head, there isn’t a way I can deny this, but this whole speech is starting to sound scary to me. Nichkhun is telling me a lot of things I’ve always silently wondered about and now that I’m hearing it, I don’t want to.

“When you told us you’d almost been hit by a car I thought my world stopped. I couldn’t bear the thought of you being taken away from us like that or at all. Then of course when I found you were keeping it from us that it was Jay and that you’d starting dating him I wasn’t sure how I’d ever look at you. I was afraid because I knew then exactly how I felt and still feel towards you.”

Furrowing my brow I nod my head while fighting tears, Nichkhun is staring right into my eyes and everything in me is screaming. I’m terrified with how this conversation could end. As one tear falls the others follow and Nichkhun wipes them away.

“I love you, but I also know that I love my friend’s ex-girlfriend, who I’m positive he still loves.” Nichkhun says sighing heavily as he takes his hand away. “And since you walked into the hotel room crying and asking me about when I talked to Jay I started to worry.”

“About?” I ask him wiping my own tears away now. “What are you worried about Nichkhun?” I demand trying to hold it together.

“That you and Jay didn’t work because I talked to Jay that first time.” Nichkhun lets out a long sigh. “Maybe the reason Jay decided he couldn’t stay with you was because of me and what I said. I’m afraid that I’m the reason Jay left everything you two shared, but it doesn’t stop there. Part of me is happy that he decided he couldn’t and I hate that part of me.”

“Nichkhun please tell me you’re not going to leave me.” I whisper looking at him holding one of my arms. Nichkhun lets out another sigh. “Please” I whisper crying silently.

“I don’t want to.” Nichkhun whispers walking over to me. “I hate seeing you so upset, but there is the slightest chance that Jay could be your real shot at happiness.” Shaking I cry even more because this conversation is playing out all too familiarly, this time it hurts more. “I acted selfishly when I went to go and see Jay the first time. I don’t want that to be the reason why you two don’t work.” He says running his hands down my face gently. “I want you, I love you so much, but I think we should wait to see if it’s really Jay.” I’m too shocked, I can’t even speak because this conversation hurts and is a lot like what Jay had done. He smiles at me sadly, looking at me like he’s trying to take everything in. “I don’t want to be selfish with you anymore.”

“Being selfish is what got me here.” I tell Nichkhun angrily. “Staying here, dodging my mother, my old life…I gave that all up because I couldn’t even begin to try to work things out with my mother, because I couldn’t for the longest time stand what I’d done, who I had become.” I say while still trying to control my breathing. “I don’t want you to leave me like this, not even if there is the slightest chance that when I leave, I won’t come back because you ask me not to.” I whisper using the back of my hand to wipe my tears away.

“But I am.” Nichkhun says cruelly, his lips become a fine line again. “I’m asking for you to wait to make one last selfish choice. I want you to see Jay without having to worry about me. I can’t let you go to see Jay if you’re still mine. I can’t control how jealous I am, H.G. I want you to have the choice your mother is trying to take away from you.” With that Nichkhun pounds on the door and twists the knob, walking out without looking back at me.

I start to run out of the room after him, Chansung sticks his arms out as I see Nichkhun leave the hotel room we’d been in. I see the door close and I lose it. I want to scream, I want Nichkhun to come back in and gather me in his arms telling me everything is okay. Because the closure I want from Jay seems insignificant compared to everything that I feel right now.

Chansung is holding my tightly as I violently try to get out of his arms, as I push the others off me, my best friend pulls me to the ground, he rocks me back and forth trying to calm me down as I still fight to get out of his arms. “Noona you need to let him walk it off, Hyung has a lot on his mind too.” He says petting my head like I do for Wooyoung.

“I don’t want him to walk away; I don’t want to see him turn his back on me.” I sob as I stop suddenly I turn around and crying into Chansung’s chest. “I don’t want him gone.” I whisper shaking my head in defiance of the choice he made.

“Noona it’ll be okay.” He whispers picking me up, Chansung has Wooyoung open the door as I leave Min-Jun and Junho’s room in his arms. Chansung carries me to his and Wooyoung’s he sets me down in his bed and sits next to me. I curl up in his arms crying, hiccupping, wanting Nichkhun to come back and tell me it is all okay. I want Nichkhun.

I fall asleep eventually, probably too tired to even cry, when I wake up I’m wrapped up in two pair of arms, Woo and Chansung’s. It’s only a painful reminder of what happened the night before and that I have to suffer with Nichkhun and I not being together until I see Jay.

~~~

I’m sitting in Miyoung’s make-shift quarters, she hasn’t arrived yet, but it’s been weeks since I last talked to Nichkhun and I still have three more to go through. I want Miyoung to talk to, Chansung and the others try, but they aren’t exactly helpful in this department.

Perched on the seat I stare at my reflection. I look like crap. I haven’t had a decent night of sleep, Nichkhun is avoiding me, I feel like I’m about to breakdown at every chance I get alone and I am close to it right now.

I hear chatter coming from down the hall; I know for a fact all the boys are asleep so this will be Ian and Miyoung-Unnie. From my seat I stare into the mirror as the chatter gets closer, the doorknob starts to turn and I’m fighting that breakdown even more. As the door opens Miyoung flips the lights on and Ian looks at me from the mirror.

“H.G.” Ian says walking closer to me, turning me around he pulls me into a hug. “Sweetie what happened?” He mumbles as Miyoung takes in the sight, I hug him back briefly before Miyoung sets her things down at looks at me closely. “Miyoung?”

“This is Nichkhun-related.” She declares. Nodding my head she smiles at me sadly. “What happened? I haven’t heard from you in ages.” She says patting my cheek gently.

And I explain to them from the start, from where it all started, the fight with Chansung, Wooyoung, and Junho, to Nichkhun and eventually Nichkhun saying we need to wait and see if I’m with him because I miss Jay or because I really want to be with him.

Miyoung hands me a tissue. “I’m so sorry all that happened.” She says rubbing my arm; Ian is staring at me worriedly. “Spit it out Ian.” Unnie says gently look up at him.

“It’s just” He starts apologetically. “I can see where he’s coming from.” Ian says slowly. “Nichkhun has a lot to compete against so to speak.”

“Go on” She says in a knowing tone. I glance at her then at Ian, I wait for him to go on, I need to hear, I need to understand.

“Nichkhun for the most part watched you fall in love with Jay, he saw everything and being him I’m sure he noticed all the little things that were affected by him in you. Nichkhun is very observant and in some cases it really is a blessing, but in this he watched you, the girl he’s always liked, fall for his once best friend. Nichkhun ended up dating you and I’m sure a lot has happened between you guys, but for him it was with a girl that Jay, his friend, loves.” Pursing his lips he looks at me sadly, “H.G., he did his best to help you pick up the piece after Jay. Nichkhun is afraid that everything you have could be because he did that. He did what Jay asked, he asked him to be there for you like he couldn’t. You still love Jay, and you love Nichkhun. You want both in your life; you want the eight of them.” Ian says slowly. “Nichkhun is probably scared that your relationship with him is dependent on Jay being out of your life.”

~~~

Chansung, Wooyoung and Junho are glaring at me. “Yeah?” I ask them already knowing what they have on their minds, Taecyeon and Min-Jun are watching us carefully.

“You did exactly what Jay did; only she has to see you every day and hold it in.” Chansung snaps at me maliciously. “You may be giving her the choice that she deserves, but you aren’t doing it the way that she does.”

“You know we were afraid it’d be her hurting you.” Junho says speaking up shaking his head, bitter laugh comes out. “That’s why we got angry with her. That’s what we fought about.”

“Hyung, Noona loves you.” Wooyoung says quietly. “She cries every night for you to come and take her back. In her sleep she apologizes to you over and over.” He says taking a deep breath.

I nod my head understandingly. “I’m sorry about it all, and I know that I’m not just hurting her but us all.” I tell them quietly. “I know we might lose her because of this” I confess fighting my own tears. “I know this is all my fault, I know this is all because I love her.”

The three of them nod their heads; I’ve already explained why I did what I did. The six of us know how miserable I am about this, but I know this can only be a fraction of what she’s feeling and I hate myself for it. I want to kiss her and tell her that it’s all okay, I won’t leave.

“Hyung” Chansung says pursing his lips, he stares at me a moment before continuing. “I don’t want to see her like this, I hate it. I hate it that Jay did this to her before, I hate that she’s going through it again, I hate that she has to see you every day and act okay for a few hours. But I hate it even more that it’s you; that I’m starting to hate you. Most of all I hate that the three of us started the fight, that we got her going.” Getting up he shakes his head at me disappointedly before he leaves the room, Junho and Wooyoung follow him worriedly.

Taec takes a seat next to me. “He’s just upset.” He says patting my back, I nod my head like that’s true, but I know Chansung is pained because he blames himself for all this.

“In two weeks we’ll have all the answers that we need.” Min-Jun says taking a seat on my other side. “We’ll find out if this was the right or wrong thing to do.”

I nod my head. “I hate all this too, I hate myself for it. I hate that it was Jay first, that it was Jay and I’m terrified it’ll always be Jay.”

“This actually seems worse than it did when it was Jay” Taec voices quietly, not something I haven’t thought before. “Khun, I hope this all works out because if it doesn’t I don’t know how anything will go after this.”

Well, I really don't have an explanation for this other than
I just wrote it, that this is what came to me when I
started writing this chapter.
> n >
< n <
YUP. And because I am writing a lot, for whatever reason,
you guys may get a triple update. o - o
WE SHALL SEE.
I obviously really got into this plot.
I hope you guys enjoy this, although it's sad, at least in my opinion, and a lot 
of drama, but I hope you guys will stick with me.
We're getting pretty close to the ending now.
 

No comment answers since I just posted the previous chapter like a couple hours ago.
XD
And maybe none on the next as well...
I am WRITING >:D

(split this into two different chapters)