I have no idea what I was expecting but it wasn’t this, it wasn’t anywhere near what Jay had said. “In January I’m going on tour. I’ll be gone for nearly a year.” It was another moment where everything slowed down almost to a halt. Jay telling me that maybe I'll listen now made sense, and it hadn't worked. I'm not ready to. I can't.

“What?” I ask him confused, dazed and suddenly worried. “You’re leaving…” I whisper turning to leave, this time I don’t wait for Jay to catch up with me, I run down the stairs. I’m not sure what was going follow what he was going to say but I was going to try like crazy to avoid it. At least for the day I will. I was hardly thinking about the boys now. I was only thinking of Jay and what would happen with us given a year. Jay and I couldn’t even handle a week.

Entering the dorm I throw the thoughts of Jay out of my mind, “Ah how was your birthday?” Minjae-sshi asks as I enter the kitchen to start the day off.

“It was great, I missed the boys though.” I say pouting already changing the subject. “How was it yesterday?” I ask him opening the fridge.

“It was alright, they missed you too, hey don’t worry about breakfast, we’ll eat at the studio, just go wake them up.” He says happily.

Nodding my head I walk through the dorm debating on whom to wake up first. Chansung will be upset at the lack of food, and Wooyoung won’t budge if Chansung doesn’t…

Pouting I walk into Junho’s room. “Yah, time to wake up.” I say sitting on the edge of his bed.

As soon as Junho comes to he wraps his arms around me. “Noona!” He says excitedly, “How are you?”

Smiling I hug him back tightly, “I’m good, remind me next year to spend it with you guys.” I whisper holding him tightly.

“Noona did something happen?” He asks me hugging me. “Hmmh?”

Shaking my head I pull away with a smile on my face, “No, I just missed you guys.” I mumble tiredly. I hadn’t realized the strain on what Jay had said, I feel like I’ve been up for hours when in reality I’ve only been up for maybe two at most. “I better go wake up the others, we’ll be eating at the studio.” I tell him as I get up to leave.

“Noona are you sure?” He asks watching me carefully.

Nodding my head I smile at him, “Come on Junho I’m fine. No need to look at me like that.” I tell him reframing myself from saying worry. I know that that does to them. It only makes them worry more.

Going to wake up Junsu and Taecyeon I smile at them softly. “Yah, wake up.” I say shaking each one. “Come on breakfast at the studio.” I tell them smiling happily, I have to be careful with this, and they’ll pick up on my distress if I’m not careful.

“How was your birthday?” Junsu asks yawning as he rolls out of bed, “huh?”

Smiling at him I head to the door, “It was wonderful, now get ready you two.”

Walking back into the living room I wake up Chansung and Wooyoung, them both grumbling, Chansung about a lack of food, and Wooyoung about having to wake up. Lazy, lazy, now I guess I see why they rarely make it back to their own rooms.

Sighing I carefully open Nichkhun’s door, he’ll pick up on it regardless of what I say or do. He always manages to see through any façade I put on. “Nichkhun,” I say walking closer to his bed, he’s awake and staring up at the ceiling “We’re eating at the studio.” I tell him watching him carefully.

“Did something happen?” He asks me softly, I shake my head and he glares at me momentarily, “I hate when you try to cover it up. It’s like you don’t trust us…maybe it’s that you don’t trust you.” He says sitting up. Great, moody Nichkhun today. “What?”

“Nothing, I just don’t see what you’re trying to get at is all.” I reply sassily, it really isn’t ever a good idea to try and be sassy with him. It just frustrates him more and makes Nichkhun more likely to explode at you when you’re alone.

Sighing he gets up, “You do, but I guess when it comes you’ll tell.” He says leading me to the door, “I just wish you’d see how many people are there for you willing to help you through everything. You don’t always have to do everything on your own. There are people around you that care enough about you to want to help you. People that can tell when you’re so upset…”

“I wish I knew how you could always tell.” I whisper before leaving him before he can react. Waiting in the living room I think about what how I left Jay like that. I wasn’t even willing to stay and talk it out; I hadn’t even given him the chance to talk.

Blinking I stare at the hand in front of me, Junsu, “Hey doll face, it’s time to go.” He says smiling at me, holding his hand out. Taking it I hold it until we get to the door, putting my jacket back on and stuffing my gloves, hat and scarf into my purse I lead the way to the car.

“You’ll get sick like that.” Chansung whines catching up with me, “And you’re walk really fast today.” He says pouting, “Noona…”

“Not now.” I whisper pressing the button to unlock the door to the van. Quickly getting in and starting the car I let out a deep breath. Backing out I turn to see the guys all looking at me worriedly, ignoring it I drive us in the silence to JYPE. Like it or not they know something is bothering me.

“Noona?” Wooyoung asks as the others all hurry insides. “You really will get sick if you go out like this.” He says worriedly. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but would you at least walk faster now so you don’t get sick?” He pleads with me.

Sighing I pick up my pace and meet the boys in the lobby, directing them to go to their practice room and I’ll get their orders in for breakfast. For once I was acting like a real employee, like an actual assistant as opposed to their best friend. “Hey girlie anything happening?” Miyoung-Unnie asks me.

Nodding my head I look at her biting my lip, “Can I talk to you later?” I ask her seriously, maybe some advice or just to vent from someone that won’t burst when I tell them…

Miyoung nods her head, “Is something wrong?” She asks me quietly as I tell someone what to bring 2PM.

“Not drastically, but I still need someone to talk about it, someone that won’t overreact when I say what I need to say.” I tell her smiling sadly.

As I head to the practice room I get a call, from Jay. in a breath I answer it. “Hello?” I say quietly.

“God, do you know how worried I’ve been. I’ve been texting you and trying to get in touch with you!” Jay says relieved. “I know what I said probably is making you worried and over think things.”

“Right, how could drop something like that when I was leaving?!” I whisper shout as I lean against the wall walking a little bit slower. “We had major problems with two weeks.”

“I know…Look we shouldn’t talk about this over the phone. I have to go; can we see each other tonight?”

“No, I have to stay late.” Maybe I lied, but I just didn’t want to face it right now, “Maybe tomorrow.”

Jay lets out a sigh, he’s frustrated. “Look I know you don’t want to talk about it, but we’ll have to talk about it eventually. I’m going to be leaving in a couple of weeks.” Jay says urgently. “I’ll be at your apartment tomorrow.”

“Kay.” I mumble quietly. “Bye.” I whisper as I reach 2PM’s practice room.

“Bye Hollywood.”

Hanging up I enter the room as I place my phone back in my pocket. “After you eat Chansung I’m taking you to an interview, then a variety show with Wooyoung.” I tell them taking a seat at a table, gladly drinking the coffee Ian as brought me. “Nichkhun and Taecyeon have recording with Ian. Junho and Junsu Minjae-sshi will be taking you to your schedules, filming for you Junho and Junsu you’re doing a collaboration with a few other idols.” I tell them all feeling a head ache coming on.

Chansung eats quickly, getting up I put on my scarf, hat and gloves, buttoning my jacket up so they don’t complain as we leave the lobby and enter the parking.

“Noona, did something bad happen?” He asks me quietly in the car, “I’ve never seen you so resentful.” He mumbles.

Sighing I glance at him, “Jay and I are just sorting through some stuff is all. Don’t worry about it alright? Everything will work out.” I tell him, well more to myself. I was more bothered that I couldn’t control my emotions like I used to. I was all over the place. Was it because of Jay or how I feel about the boys? I know with Jay touring this can change everything.

Meeting Miyoung for lunch I smile at her weakly, she offers me a seat “What happened?”

Sighing I look at her, “Don’t tell the others alright?” I ask her sighing heavily; nodding her head I look around before I tell her. “Jay’s going on tour; he’s leaving at the beginning of the year.”

“Oh…That is a little ground breaking. What are you going to do?” Miyoung asks me blinking in surprise. “When’s he coming back?”

Shrugging my shoulders I bite my lip, “A year, a little less maybe more, I don’t know.” I mumble feeling my heart ache. “I hate it because you know I care about him so much, but I mean last time he was gone it was like we both just snapped.”

“What did you do when he told you? Wait, when did he tell you?” Miyoung asks reaching over to hold my hand, closing my eyes and my lips she says “It’ll be alright.”

“He told me this morning and I just ran off because I didn’t want to have that conversation right then. Miyoung if he leaves I don’t know if we can make it.” So many insecurities, what happens if Jay and I argue while he’s far away, what will happen then?

“What if he asks you to go with him?” She asks me quietly.

Sighing I nod my head, “I’ve already been wondering that myself.” I mumble quietly, “I don’t know. I mean I want him to ask me, but then I feel bad for wanting him to ask.”

“Have you talked to the boys?” Unnie asks me, her eyes full of concern.

I shake my head “I haven’t they know something is bothering me. Honestly I blew Jay off until tomorrow.”

“You should talk to him sooner, you do know that right? I mean there’s hardly anytime left for you two to talk about it.” Miyoung says gently, “I know you don’t want to think about it, but if Jay does ask you to go, you’re going to have to give him an answer. Maybe you could go for a month or something.”

I shake my head “Unnie, if he does ask me I think it’ll be a stay with me kind of thing or...” I mumble. “We’ve already been fighting so much about how much time I spend with 2PM, and then his stupid music videos, our schedules, not being able to see each other enough.”

“Sweetheart it sounds like something else is bugging you.”

Sighing I bite back tears, furiously blinking I stare at her before looking down at our food that we haven’t touched. “Miyoung, I think I love him.” I mumble quietly. “That’s what’s really bugging me. If I love him, shouldn’t it be obvious what I do, but if I don’t…”

“I think you love more than just Jay,” She says sighing, pouting slightly she gets up and pulls a chair out next to me, “I think your problem is that you love being here with your boys.”

“I’ve never loved a place before, I’ve never even considered it…then I come here and suddenly everything is so important to me, the people, my job, and friends. I mean this is where I met Jay, Minho, you, Chansung, Nichkhun, Junho, Taec, Junsu, and Wooyoung. I’ve never had a family like I do here, I don’t to lose them, but I don’t want to lose Jay either.”

Miyoung smiles at me, “We better eat, our break will before soon and your boys will come running to find you.”

Sighing I nod my head, she’s right I need to think about everything, getting up I take my food and toss it out, I can’t eat right now, I lost my appetite, or rather I didn’t have one to begin with. “I’m going to head up and pick up Wooyoung.” I tell sighing, “I have too much on my mind.”

Wooyoung is waiting for me by the time I get up to their practice room, he’s pacing around and dancing lightly, Junho and Junsu are just watching him, Taec and Nichkhun must still be recording, something with Jinyoung-sshi himself. “Noona are you ready to go?”

Nodding my head I grab my back and nod at the others as I walk out with Wooyoung. “Woo, you guys know that I love you right, all of you.” I ask him quietly as we exit the building.

“Noona of course we do.” Wooyoung says smiling at me, “Don’t worry so much. We’ll always be there for you.”

Smiling at him I hug him before we get in the van. “Thank you.” I mumble letting go. Driving to pick up Chansung I smile at him waddling to get in the car. “Cold?”

“Very, it wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so windy!” He complains glaring up at the sky. “Noona?”

Smiling I laugh at him peeking at him in the review mirror. “Nothing, it’s just cute to hear you complain about a little wind is all.”

“Noona, I am manly.” He corrects me jokingly, a smile present on his and Woo’s face. “Anyways what’s after the variety show?”

“Well I’ll be picking everyone up, dropping you off, and making dinner and doing laundry.” I tell him as I carefully pull into traffic, I haven’t really had too much trouble with driving, but I hate ice. I hate it on the roads. “Why?”

“Could we have something yummy for dinner?” He asks me smiling; well at least I think he is he has that tone of voice. “Huh?”

Scoffing I look at him for a second “I know what you’re doing. And it depends on what Minjae-sshi bought at the store yesterday. And what he says, after all there’s talk about you guys getting another diet.”

“No!” They both whine pouting no doubt. “Noona!”

Laughing I pull into the parking lot “Don’t blame me, if you really have an issue I’m sure you can talk to Jinyoung-sshi.”

“Eh.”

Shaking my head at them I turn to look at them, “Come on let’s hurry up so we can head home.”

Watching them during filming I begin to question myself, I’d called the dorm home. In fact I’ve thought of Seoul has home, well the closest I’ve come in a long time. I smile at them half-heartedly, getting a text from Jay I bite my lip. 

‘We need to talk tonight’

Sighing I accept it and tell him just to wait at my apartment, I’ll get there as soon as I can. I won’t rush my time with the boys, but I won’t prolong it tonight either. I really am dreading this conversation. How can we have such a nice couple of days and then come to this? Avoiding him, well at least on my end…I don’t want to pick, I don’t want to fight, and I don’t want to lose anyone. Not like this, not now.

By the time I walk through the door to my apartment Jay is there, waiting and ready to talk. “I know things between us have been hard but you know it’d be easier if you weren’t always blowing me off.”

“I’m not the one scheduling everything!” I say raising my voice at Jay, him with his back turned to me, “I’m sorry I can’t just blow my job off!”

“I’m not asking for you to do that!” He yells back just as loud. “I just want to see you; it feels like you’re always working or something!” Jay says complaining about my job, about me spending time with 2PM and their members.

This really has been a common argument for us, along with Jay’s music videos. Mine and Jay’s time have been filled with us just fighting and arguing. Honestly it’s getting difficult to remember the good times. With his tour and comeback getting closer we’re both feeling the pressure on our relationship and the things around us. I think that scares me the most; that Jay isn’t my savior anymore, that Jay and I aren’t going to last, that suddenly everything is too much for us both to handle with a relationship.

“Look I leave in three weeks alright. Three weeks.”

Nodding my head I wait for him to continue, I don’t know how to process this, “So in three weeks…” I start looking at Jay as he sighs.

“In three weeks I won’t be in Korea again for very long for at least a year. What I’m saying is that we have to figure this out. I know it was short notice and I should have told you sooner but…”

“With all the fighting it hasn’t exactly been easy.” I whisper looking away from him, “I know I’m sorry.”

“Me too…Maybe tonight isn’t a good idea. I’ll let you sleep on it and we can talk when we both have more time.” Jay leaves; he doesn’t make a move towards me, just to the door. “I’ll give you a call in the morning alright?”

Nodding my head numbly I wait until I hear his car drive off, “I think I love you.” I whisper to my empty apartment, “But I don’t know what to do anymore Jay.” This isn't going to work out...at least not like I want it to. At least I don't see it, not right now. Maybe Jay is right, I just need to sleep on it and then we can figure this out together.

I know this was a big change, and honestly something I have had planned for a while, I hope you guys are enjoying the story and there is still a lot to come. I promise. ><