Holding Jay’s hand I smile at him, it hasn’t been like this in a while. He’s been gone, I’ve had to bare seeing Jay kiss another girl, and sure it was a music video, another music video…it still sort of stung. Walking into my apartment we both smile at each other, it feels weird at the same time as it does good. I told myself I was done, that I wouldn’t do this anymore, I would stop waiting for Jay, but here I am waiting, but why does it feel like none of this is going to last? Pushing those thoughts away I try to focus on the now.

Once inside I tell Jay to take a shower, pulling out some of his clothes I smile at him. “Hurry, ok?” I tell him grabbing a robe and wrapping it around my body.

“You should go first.” He says quietly, shaking my head he sighs finally agreeing to take a shower. “Your turn.” He says stepping out.

Going to take mine I think about how great the last couple of hours were. Jay and I just messing around, nothing pressing us but what will come. What has to, eventually…

As I step out of the bathroom dressed Jay looks over at me “I admit telling when I told you wasn’t good on my part, but you just ran…” Jay mumbles looking at me, obviously hurt. “I leave on the first.” I guess someone had to start it.

Taking a seat next to him I try to think of something to say. Nodding my head I stare at Jay, I’m not sure what to say. “I’m sorry. I just, I wasn’t sure what to say.” I tell him sighing, “I still don’t know what to tell you Jay.” I mumble looking away from him. Honestly I’m still confused about why I just left like that, why I ran, why I avoided everything for so long.

Sighing Jay taps my knee signaling me to look at him, when I do I see how strained his face is. “I’ll be busy.”

Frowning, I clear my throat, holding in my anguish “So where does that leave us then, with you on tour and me here in Seoul?” I ask him.

“Look I don’t know. That’s why we need to figure this all out.” The ways he says it makes it sound like he already has. Like he’s found the solution.

Silently I get up walk away from him, staring at the picture Wooyoung and Chansung gave me, the painting of the six of the guys, “Jay…”

“You know…” He says tenderly. “I’ve been thinking.” Watching him curiously I grip his hand as he takes mine. “I love you.” He says softly, so soft that I thought I heard him wrong, but the look in his eyes tells me that I heard him right. “I love you.” This time he says it louder, more sure of it.

Shocked I stare at him, at a loss of words, blinking my eyes; I never thought he’d say it; Jay’s never really been one for sentiments. Hearing it though makes me happy. “I love you.” I whisper back looking up at him. I wish that this moment could have gone perfectly, that I could tell everyone that we had dessert, he taught me to dance a little bit more, we watched a movie, snuggled, talked and fell asleep in each other’s arms… But that’s not how it’s going to go, that’s not how we’re going to stay, we can’t be the couple that we want to be, we can’t be.

“I know…It’s just I’m leaving soon.” He continues, I don’t like the turn of this conversation, we’ve been dancing around the edge of this problem for a while now, him leaving for an extended period of time and where it’ll leave us. “I want you to come with me. Come with me, please?”

“What?” I ask confused, I thought I wanted him to ask me that, but why does it feel so wrong? I thought I’d be able to tell him yes, that I want to go but now, I don’t. Here and now, being presented with the choice I was suddenly completely unsure of what I wanted.

“Will you come with me?” Jay repeats. “Come with me to America, Asia, on tour…Stay with me.” He says, almost begging. “Please…” His face is calm, but the way he’s holding himself makes him look vulnerable. “I want you to come with me.”

 Again when I’m with Jay things slow down, just like they have the tendency to just slow down and freeze until they return to normal speed. Jay Park is begging me to leave with him, to stay with him. Not to leave his side. To stay with him. “Jay…” I whisper taking in a deep breath. I thought I wanted him to ask me, but it feels so wrong. Looking away I pull my hand out of his.

“You won’t come.” He whispers “I wish I could say I was surprised.” He says sadly, too knowingly. We both knew…

“I’m sorry.” I whisper looking back up at him. “I can’t leave them, I just can’t.”

Jay watches me for a moment before he looks away. “I know.” Feeling a pang of guilt I reach to touch his face, Jay holds my hand against his cheek, the warmth of his hand radiating to my own. “I really do love you.”

I smile sadly, “I know, I love you too.” I whisper leaning my forehead against his as we lower our hands to our sides still grasping each other. “I love you so much Jay.”

Gently he presses his lips against mine. “I love you.” Pulling away he holds my hands loosely. “I’m not going to be back for a while.” The way he says it makes my heart ache, I’m not stupid I know what’s coming, but I can’t be adult about it. I don’t want to break up with Jay; I don’t care if we’re on different planets. I love Jay that will never change. I don’t want to say goodbye, I’m not ready, I’m not ready to let go.

“We’ll work through it though, right?” I ask him the hope in my voice betraying me, I hate how desperate I sound, but I am desperate to stay with Jay, to keep him in my life, I don’t care if I sound greedy I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to be let go of. I watch Jay let go of my hands letting mine fall to my sides confirming what is coming next. Some things with Jay have always been easy, forgetting, remembering, confessing, being happy, and being with him, so why is it so hard to say goodbye? It’s probably because I love him, that for as long as we’ve been together I’ve never once pictured us having to have this conversation. Not once, nor have I seen it coming, at least I want to pretend I haven’t seen it coming even though the truth is I have. The real conversation that’s been looming over us.

“No, I can’t, you can't, it won’t, and we won’t.” He says turning his back to me pacing to and fro. “I’ll be busy; I won’t have the time to talk to you like we both want, and you’ll be busy with the boys, more than I’d like. I’ll be jealous of them and you of everyone around me…we’ll forget and fight.” He says, continuing on with this ridiculous play out. “Every time we do manage to talk we’ll be arguing.” I hate how realistic his raison d'être, how rational it sounds, it is and I hate how sound his argument is even though it hasn’t happen. Not that we’ll be giving it a chance with how this conversation is playing out. Shaking my head I watch Jay’s back, him now rocking back and forth, walking over to him I hug him from behind, resting my head between his shoulder blades as he continues on with his scenario. “The more we argue the more we’ll forget how much we love each other.”

“Jay…” I whisper tears springing to my eyes. “You don’t know that.” I mumble holding him tightly; I know he could easily rip himself from my arms and leave me here.

“Stop.” He says harshly, turning to look at me he holds my face in his hands, I take in how sad he looks the overwhelming gloom that’s engulfing the two of us. “When we forget” He starts, he’s not done, this nonsensical story isn’t through yet. “When we forget that we love each other we’ll only have bitter memories.” Jay says taking my hands again, his warm hands bigger than mine holding them tightly, me gladly holding them back, I know it’s foolish to think that if I hold on we’ll stay together, but I can’t help it. “I don’t want my time with you to be ruined, to be tainted; I want to remember us happily.” He mumbles leaning his head against mine, his soft black hair jumbled with my own hair. “I don’t want to forget how I feel about you.”

“Jay, don’t…” I whisper feeling my heart clench, holding back tears I stare into his eyes. “Please.” I beg him, I can’t be the adult, I can’t be the sensible one, I can’t let go of the hope I’m holding, I don’t want anyone to snatch it away from me.

Shaking his head he kisses me gently. “We can’t.” He says again sadly. “I can’t put you though that.” He says stepping away.

“You…” I whisper crying holding onto his hands in vain, he easily peels my hands from his own. “Don’t leave.” Following Jay out of my apartment and down the road to where he parked, begging him, I can’t lose Jay, not like this. Not like this. Please not now.

Stepping away his hands slip out of mine easily, running forward I grab his forearms. “I have to, you won’t.” He says sadly. “Just…don’t forget me ok?” He says laughing bitterly, the laugh not reaching his eyes, the bitter smile saying it all. This isn’t what either of us wants, but neither of us knows how to fix any of it, not with me staying here. And for a moment I think that what I do want is to go, but then of course those six lovely faces flash through my mind and as much as Jay means to me, I can’t leave.

Biting my lip I shake my head, tears falling again, “Jay don’t, not yet.” I whisper clutching to him. “Please.”

Again Jay shakes his head. “If I stay it’ll only hurt more.” He says quivering his head, plucking my hands from his body he gives me another kiss on my forehead before smiling at me sweetly.

“You’re selfish.” I mutter as he wipes my tears away, I feel like a child, I feel like my heart is slowing being ripped out.  Jay just nods his head agreeing. “You want me to remember you…” Kissing my forehead again he steps away smiling sadly.“I thought you were my savior." I whisper tears prickling at my eyes.”

“Love, you've got yourself six more. I can't be them, I can't be there for you everyday like they can. And you know I do want you to remember me, that's probably the part that loves you so much and wants to keep you to myself talking, but then there is the part that loves you selflessly and does want you to love someone else, someone that can be there, that can be there for you like they should, I wish it was me, and maybe another time, but I can’t, not while leaving you here.” He frowns. “I never wanted to say anything cheesy like that. But I don’t deserve to keep you in my life when I can’t be the one taking care of you.” He says sighing, kicking a stone, he shoves his hands into his pockets frowning at the ground, turning around he begins walking away towards his car before turning around again. “I love you Hollywood Girl.”

Crying I drop to the ground, holding my chest, crying and looking completely pitiful I’m sure. “I love you Jay Park.” I scream at his disappearing figure as he gets in his car, the empty feeling in my chest seems to intensify the longer he’s gone; I want to run after him, I want to but it wouldn’t be right. Leaving Korea like I did America, leaving the boys. Jay’s right though I have to say goodbye. We have to say goodbye.

I’m not sure how long I sit in the road crying, but eventually I pick myself up, I feel numb, I can’t tell if it’s from the heart ache or the cold. Either way I prefer not to feel. It’s almost like I never met Jay. But I did, Jay had saved my life, he’d shown me how happy I can be in life. My heart begins to ache as I climb under the covers of my apartment waiting for dawn. I want to be numb again, I’d forgotten for a moment how much I love Jay.

Waking up the next morning in my bed I stare up at the ceiling, my throat raw from crying and screaming for Jay, I grip at my chest where my heart is… The pain is unbearable. A part of me is gone, missing with my Seattle Boy. It’s driving me crazy that Jay and I were perfect for a day, and then suddenly everything just went wrong, nothing could work with us. Everything was going wrong.

Standing up weakly I get ready for work, breakup or not I do have a job to do, and a commitment to six boys I did chose after all. I chose to stay, I have to remember that. Taking some cough medicine, and something for a headache I head out attempting to face the day.

Walking by the park like I do every morning I see our snowman that we’d made the night before, and if I look close enough and hard enough I can see our snow angels. He’d let me be a kid for a few hours, he let me appreciate how much I missed those carefree days, how nothing seemed like it was ending.

Slowly I open the door; the house is dark and quiet with a busy day ahead I prepare breakfast setting their individual schedules by their plates. I know how I get, I get ridged when things like this happen, when something that changes everything around me. Something has changed, and it feels like my world is slowing.

As always Chansung comes out first, “Noona?” He says happily, all at once I feel a jab at my heart. I chose this; I chant in my head, I need to remember that. “Noona?” He says this time with concern, my back to him I point to his chair as I finish breakfast. “Is something wrong?”

“We have a busy day.” I croak, inwardly I flinch, I can’t get into this now; and I don’t want to break down right here in front of them; not when we have so much to do today. “Hurry and eat while I wake the others.” I say serving him a portion. Exiting the room before he can grab my arm or say anything else I go to wake Wooyoung and Junho who for once are sharing their room. “Time to wake up.” I tell them turning on the lights without warning. “Hurry we have a packed day.” I tell the moving on to the next room.

Junsu and Taecyeon are both sound asleep. “Boys breakfast.” I say flipping the lights on again. “Up now.” I command as they pull themselves out of their respected beds.

Finally I walk into Nichkhun’s room to see him awake and waiting “What happened?” He asks me standing up dressed and ready to go.

Ignoring his question I turn to leave simply saying “Breakfast.”

Once they’re all at the table the boys all stare at me, Minjae-sshi already dressed and ready to go waiting with their coffees next to their plates. “I’ll take them to the practice room, come by around eleven to pick Taecyeon to take him to his drama shooting.” He tells me looking down at his own schedules. “Then after that come back and take Junho and Wooyoung to the studio to guest on a variety show over at the KBS studios.”  Nodding my head I write down the times and places on my schedule. “Go, go, go.”

“Be ready in thirty minutes.” I tell them taking their finished plates. Chansung and Wooyoung are done first, both staring at me. “Noona.” They say watching me clean. “Noona.”

“Yes?” I finally manage. “Do you need something?”

Chansungie grasps my hand “What happened?” He asks me quietly.

Pulling back I turn my back to them. “Later,” whisper holding in my tears. “With Junho and the others.” I tell both Chansung and Wooyoung weakly. “I don’t want to say it twice.” I whisper, my throat burning.

With them leaving I allow myself the chance to cry. While crying I manage to clean the apartment, and the short drive to JYPE, slowly making my way out of the parking garage, parked next to the other van I enter the actual building still sullen. Inside I head to find Miyoung, checking the coordinator rooms, “Unnie.” I whisper entering; she’s organizing her makeup and hair supplies.

One look at me and he offers me a chair. “Are you ok?” She asks me after a while. “The boys were restless when they came in earlier…” Miyoung rambles. Shaking my head I look at the makeup on the table, trying to focus on it so I don't cry, at least not yet. “Jay?” She guesses; there aren’t too many things or people that can put me in a state, not like this.

“We broke up.” I manage with my voice cracking and wavering. “Last night.”

Shocked Miyoung squeezes my shoulders. “I thought you two were good, solid. Working things out even with his tour.”

Biting my lips my eyes land on the picture of the guys joking around. “I decided to stay.”

Miyoung follows my line of sight. “You decided to stay…” She mumbles. “He asked you to go with him?” Nodding my head I look up at her. “And you said no.”

“Right.” I whisper. “I promised Junho I wouldn’t leave; I promised…I couldn’t leave them. I love being here too much, I love them too much.”

Miyoung stares at me still slightly confused. “I thought you and Jay…”

Laughing bitterly I look at the ground, “I love him Unnie, I love him so much, but I just couldn’t leave. It was more than the promise I made with Junho. I just…I can’t leave. It wouldn’t be right, not like that.”

“So what are you going to do now?” Miyoung asks me seriously. “I mean they find out that’s why you two both broke up and they’ll feel guilty.”

“Unnie, I’m staying because I want to, Jay said we wouldn’t be able to make a long distance relationship work…” Biting my lip I wipe my tears away. “Unnie I miss him so much.”

Miyoung lets me sit on the couch, cry on her shoulder and best of all vent out all my feelings, the frustrated feelings of not being able to be with Jay, the fact that I can’t be the one holding his hand, at least not like it used to be. “Thanks.” I whisper hugging her. “I got to go.”

“Duty calls?” Nodding my head I wave goodbye to Miyoung before heading to pick up Taecyeon from the practice room.

“Are you going to tell us what’s wrong?” Taecyeon asks me in English the moment we’re in the car.

“Eventually, just not yet.” I reply to him pulling into traffic, coughing I frown. I thought I’d taken cough medicine. “I just need a little bit of time.”

Of course when I think the conversation is over, it isn’t. “You have us really worried. Look at you you’re a mess.” He rants. “Really what could get you worked up?!”

Silently I take it all while thinking ‘a broken heart’. “Look I’ll tell you guys, but I don’t want to say it six different times, I don’t want to have to say it over and over. I’ll say it once then you all will drop it.” I tell him as I pull onto the highway.

Taecyeon is quite until I drop him off, probably trying to figure out silently what’s the matter with me. “It isn’t fair that you care so much about us, but you continuously keep us away from you.” He snaps venomously shutting the door and heading to the set.

Driving back Taecyeon’s words echo in my head, they think I keep myself distant. I’m still disconnected…Arriving back in the practice room I wait patiently for Junho and Wooyoung, instead of everyone being here I find Chansung alone.

“Noona?” He says frowning at me. “Are you leaving us?”

Sighing I walk over to the wall and sit next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. “Chansungie why would you ask that?” I mumble.

“Jay-Hyung” He says quietly, still respectfully. “He’s leaving.” They were bound to find out about his tour, it really isn’t surprising.

Biting my lip I grab his hand as Junho and Wooyoung appear through the door, sticking their heads in first. “Noona you aren’t leaving are you?!” They ask running over to me. “Noona are you going with Jay?” The hurt looks on their faces confirm what I’d thought the moment Jay asked me to go with him. As much as I would want to, I really can’t leave them. I can’t stand how hurt they look just at them thinking that I’m leaving, I can’t stand it.

I grab Junho’s hand as Wooyoung, as always, rests his head on my lap. “I’m staying.” I tell them closing my eyes. “I promise you I’m staying here, I won’t be leaving.” Saying it aloud sounds awful to my heart, but at the same time it calms me down. I hope this is what I want, because if it isn’t then I’ll have to fight like hell to get to Jay again and I’m positive that it isn’t even an option anymore.

By the time January first comes I look towards the windows in the living room, the boys are sleeping in, for once I’m letting them. Jinyoung-sshi gave 2PM a vacation. Meaning technically I wasn’t required to be here, but then again neither is Minjae-sshi. Leaving he smiles at me waving him good bye I get up to make something for breakfast.

“Noona you know you don’t have to make us anything.” Chansung says waking up, “Besides I thought you would be at the airport.” Frowning I look at him curiously, “Jay hyung is leaving, aren’t you going to say goodbye?”

Feeling my lip tremble I look at him sadly. “I’m going to make something, wake the others will you? Tell them I’m making soup.”

Turning around abruptly I feel Chansung wrap his arms around me. “Ok, don’t cry ok Noona? Not alone at least.” Nodding my head I take a deep breath fighting the tears off, off till later at least.

Sooo... I'll be honest the plan has always for them to break up. For her and Jay just not to work out. Jay would come in things would be great for them, they'd really hit it off. Jay the savior and all, but the circumstances surrounding their relationship would never improve, not with her staying and Jay leaving. Jay already is insanely jealous of 2PM. I'm also aware that I'll lose a few subscribers, hopefully not all of you. But I guess it should be fair that you know...Nichkhun is also a main character, downplayed while Jay was in the picture. But he is a main character.