“Have you been eating?” Chansung asks me as I cook. “You look different.” He comments quietly sitting in the kitchen with me. “Noona?”

Frowning I nod my head. “Of course I have.” I tell him my voice just as low. Maybe it was a little bit of a lie. I just haven’t had an appetite in a while. Specifically since Jay told me he was going on tour. “Chansung do you need something?” I ask him turning my head to glance at him.

Sighing he gets up, taking the spoon out of my hand. “Noona I can see something is wrong. You said before…”

“Everything will work out.” I say quietly allowing him to move me away from the stove. “It will.” I mumble.

“Noona you need to eat. I haven’t seen you eat in a while.” He says looking back at me, adjusting the soup. Turning it off he leads me to the table setting me down, coming back he sets the table glancing at me he places the soup in the middle of the table. “I’ll serve everyone. You get the others alright?” He commands me.

Nodding my head I get up and amble down to the living room where the guys are. “Dinner,” I tell them putting on a smile.

Though they all seem to see through it. I know they can. “Coming.” They all murmur getting up, as each boy passes me they give me a look. I’m not quite sure what to make of it, but it can’t be good.

Sitting at the table, Chansung next to me he’d given me an extra spoon-full of soup. “Eat.” He commands me, waiting and watching me.

Hesitantly I pick up my spoon and stir the contents; I can feel all their eyes on me. Slowly I cool a little bit on my spoon and swallowing. I still didn’t feel like eating, I wanted to get up and to do anything else. Well maybe almost anything else…

“Noona I am being serious, eat.” Chansung says this time his tone has a bite to it. He glares at me.

Glaring at him I take mouth full of the food. “Happy?” I ask him getting up after two more mouthfuls. Leaving the table I walk through the dorm and into the laundry room, I needed to blow some steam off. I’d never gotten into it with Chansung. The others? Well yeah, but with Chansung we always seemed to get along. Always.

Breathing shakily I look out the window, the cloudy gray sky mirroring my mood. Stormy and unsure of what will come.

I wasn’t alone for long, turning around I see Chansung, him still angry and glaring at me. “I don’t know what’s happened and you know it’s not my fault that I don’t know.” He snaps at me blocking the door. “I care about you, I really do. But it’s hard to care for someone who refuses to let anyone close.” Glaring at him I turn away from him, I hate fighting, I hate it. I know I’m being childish, but I don’t have anything to say so I let out a huff to relay my feelings. Maybe I am distant, and I do feel bad when I make the boys unhappy, but I’m trying to figure out a solution where no one loses. I want everyone to win. “Noona.” He says softly this time, biting my lip I look back at him.

“Yes?” I ask him shakily, he’s not glaring anymore, like all the anger just left him.

Sighing he turns around. “I just want you to eat and maybe you’ll feel better. I’m not the only one who’s noticed that you’re upset. We all know, and we’re giving you space, but you need to take care of yourself.” With that he leaves me alone to think.

Turning to look at the door I sigh, walking out to the terrace I wonder why it’s so difficult to make this choice. What am I so afraid of? Jay and I are good, maybe a little shaky and not exactly on stable ground, but we’re good right? So I really don’t have anything to worry about, at least I’m hoping I don’t.

Rubbing my arms I look around, the chilly air biting my skin, I know Chansung is right, and that I need to take care of myself, somehow though it seems difficult with so much going on, and things still not fixed. I told him everything would work out, but for whom? Jay and I? The boys? Or maybe even my mother? What’s to say that this isn’t the tipping point…?

“You know when he said ‘take care of yourself’ it wasn’t a challenge.” Junsu says, spinning around I see him standing there. “He’ll get just as mad if he knows you’re out here.”

Biting my lip I turn to look out at the city “I know, I just…I needed to think.”

“Here” Junsu puts a jacket on my shoulders, one of theirs. “He’s right though.”

“About?” I ask him pulling the jacket closer to my body. “What is Chansung right about?”

Junsu sighs, rubbing my arms “That we’ve all noticed you not eating. Skipping meals, we do notice those kinds of things.” Turning me around he studies my face “This better not be some body issue thing.” He says carefully.

I stare at him incredulously “No, I’m happy with how I look.” The thought revolting to me.

“Not your lady hormones?” He asks me, a more curious look on his face than a concerned expression.

I stare at him questioningly “No, and I am going to pray that you boys don’t discuss my ‘lady hormones’ when I’m not around.” I tell him wanting to rub my face feeling a head ache coming on if this conversation is running towards my hormones.

“Then is this a Jay thing?” He asks me quietly, “There really isn’t much left except for previous situations, but this behavior doesn’t fit with what happened then. This is worse. It’s like you’re punishing yourself.”

“Oppa…” I murmur looking away. “I was told some surprising information.” I mutter sighing, wriggling out of his grasp I turn to look over the edge again before heading to the door, “I haven’t felt very hungry, but I’ll go finish my lunch.” I tell him walking past him, setting the jacket on a chair as I pass the laundry room.

At the table Junho is still eating, the others had put their bowls away, mine still sitting there, and covered to keep warm.

Taking my seat I uncover my food. Picking up my spoon I quietly eat my food, Junho finishes and waits. Eating my rice and the bread on the side I look over at him. “He hasn’t been that angry in a long time Noona.” Looking down guiltily I bite my lip, “He’s only angry though because he cares so much about you. Honestly though if Chansung hadn’t said something we were going to.”

“Where is he?” I ask quietly and to be honest nervously.

Junho sighs, “His room, Nichkhun is in there too.” He says taking my bowl, “You should talk to him anyways.”

Getting up I kiss his cheek. “Thanks Junho.” I mumble walking down the hall.

As I arrive at their door, too quickly if you ask me, I knock lightly, Nichkhun opens the door; he stares at me peculiarly then he walks out of the room, pushing me lightly as he goes and shutting the door. “What do you want?” Chansung growls.

Sighing I walk to his bed, sitting on the edge I watch him carefully gauging how angry he is with me, not turning around. Pissed. “I want to apologize for saying what I’d said to you.” I say softly. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Chansung, you were just looking out for me and I am beyond grateful to have someone like you in my life. To have all of you in my life.”

Turning around he sighs, taking my hand he studies it. “Did you eat?”

“Every last crumb.” I whisper smiling at him.

He says something that surprises me. “Will you and Jay-hyung work things out; I don’t want you to fight with him. It scares me to see you so…like this.” His voice is quiet, brooding, and loving.

Hugging him I press my face into his neck. “We will. I’m sorry sweetie.”

A few days passed and I began eating like I normally did, but Jay and I still hadn’t found the time between the mandatory JYPE Christmas parties, dinner and then spending my Christmas with the boys and Jay preparing for his tour we hadn’t really tried. Before either of us could really comprehend anything Jay and I had less than a week until he’d be leaving whether we solved our problem or not.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around.” Jay says while we sit in his apartment. “Did you have a nice Christmas?” He asks me softly. I was sitting opposite of him. “I tried calling but…”

“Yeah, there was this whole escapade with sliding on ice, but it was nice.” I tell him, taking his gift out of my purse I set it on the table. “Was yours good?” I ask him nervously.

Jay smiles at the package, getting up he comes back with two wrapped boxes. Hesitating before handing them to me.” One is your birthday present. I meant to give it to you on your birthday but we had a pretty packed day.” He says smiling at me. My birthday that seems so long ago as opposed to mere weeks. The perfect day, a day that we’d both needed. Then of course reality came crashing. It would have happened even if Jay hadn’t told me about him leaving. Somehow I think something would have happened anyways.

Setting my gifts in my bag I smile at Jay. “We need to talk about your tour.” I tell him seriously.

Nodding his head he gets up. “I know, but before can we eat? I’m starving and you just got off work right?” He asks getting up. “We can eat then go to your place.”

Sighing I stare at Jay trying to figure out what he’s doing, “Alright, but when we get there…” I say leaving off as he walks over to me taking my hand and pulling me to my feet.

“I know, we’ll talk I promise.” He says smiling. The smile seemed like it was somewhat sad. “Come on we can make spaghetti again the sauce and everything.” Jay says brightly leading me to the kitchen.

Smiling at him I follow, as we make diner I begin to forget why I came over in the first place.

Giggling as Jay tells me a joke. “You’re full of it.” I say laughing, finishing my food and my glass of wine. “This is nice.” I mumble looking out the window at all the Christmas lights still out. I really love Christmas, it’s the one time of the year I feel like anything is possible.

“You look beautiful when you’re that happy, well you always look beautiful.” Jay says nervously, turning to look at him I smile.

“You look handsome all the time.” I whisper getting up, taking our plates. As I reach for his Jay holds my hand. “Yes?”

When I look in his eyes they’re serious and slightly darker. Surprised he lets go and lets me take his plate. “You don’t have to.” He whispers following me. Washing the dishes and putting them up, he sighs as I place the forks away. “Come on Hollywood let’s go.”

Following him I put my jacket on. Once in his car he takes a couple detours, prolonging the discussion I’m starting to remember we have to have. I push it off too letting Jay make all the stops he wants. Eventually though we make it to my apartment. And the conversation to come seems to loom over us in a way that we both can’t stand.

“I’m nervous.” Jay says turning his car off. For a few moments we sit in the car. Biting my lips I get out and walk away from my place, “Where are you going?”

“On a walk, care to join me?” I ask him smiling; I’ll put it off for a little bit longer.

Taking my hand Jay smiles humming happily. It feels like nothing is wrong right now, like we’re just out enjoying the winter night.

Huddling closer to Jay I smile at him. “Snow angels” I say pointing to prints on the ground, looking over at the snowmen I smile at Jay. “Looks like some kids had a really good day.”

“Come on let’s make those snow angels!” Jay says pulling me to a strip of undisturbed snow. Flopping down he waits for me to sit down too. Laying down I start to flap my arms to make the wings. I feel the snow melting under my body, the cold starting to sting. Ignoring it I continue until Jay gets up. Standing up next to Jay I admire our fun. “Would you say no to a snow man too?”

Laughing I shake my head. “Come on you goof!” I cheer as I start to roll the snow. Pretty soon Jay and I have a medium sized snowman before I feel like my fingers are about to fall off.

“Here let me see.” He says taking my hands in his, Jay’s aren’t much better, rubbing our hands together warms them up though and I start to regain feeling. Kissing the tips of my fingers he smiles at me. “Hot Coco? I’m pretty sure that café is still open.” Jay says nodding over to a café down the road from my apartment.

“Sounds good, I’m freezing.” I say smiling at him, Jay drags me along quickly. Having him wait outside I order us two hot chocolates. “Here you are.” I mumble handing him a cup.

Jay rubs his hands around the beverage. “This is good.” He says sipping the drink. “I had a lot of fun.”

“I’ll say.” I mumble looking back to the park, our snowman standing alone. Jay and I still fight going to my apartment, stopping to finish our drinks, despite our clothes being soaked, shivering and all the winder cold.

Taking my hand Jay smiles at me, I hate that smile, it’s like he’s about to say something but he’s not sure how to say it. But we continue to walk, this time a little bit faster, with the wind picking up and out clothes still wet from our hour of being kids.