1 amusingmurdermachine
❁The First Crimson Moon❁
Bleu
Finished on 11/19/2013
The Intricacies of Gift-Giving
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/577347/the-intricacies-of-gift-giving-comedy-drama-fluff-krystal-exo-chanyeol-chanstal
About: Chanyeol(Exo)+Krystal(f(x)), comedy, drama, fluff
Title 5/5- The title is unique and interesting. It has a ring to it when you say it. I like how you made the foreword relevant to the title as well, because, at first, when I read your title, I wasn't quite sure how it would be relevant to the story. Now that I've finished the story though, I completely understand how the title is relevant. The title is really cute now that I think about it. Also, I enjoy how the title was part of the character's motive.
Foreword 7/10- I really like how your description was formatted. It made it seem really "official". There are a few mispellings though. Also, I really like your foreword; it was really cute and neatly organized. I also like how you refered back to the title. I wish you would put in some periods since you have some really long sentences.
1. "word count: ny/a" should be "word count: n/a"
2. "Summary: of how girls are so confusing, they couldn't even understand themselves and how boys are sometimes stupid, but what really lets them off th hook is just how much they're willing to change that until they finally know girls more than girls know themselves whut" should be "Summary: This story is about how girls are so confusing; they can't even understand themselves. How can boys be so stupid sometimes? What lets the boys off the hook, though, is just how much they're willing to change their "stupidity" until they finally know girls more than girls know themselves."
3. "But what captures Chanyeol's attention- what makes his head snap towards its direction- is the bedroom door with the slightest creak that it produced." should be "Something captured Chanyeol's attention– a quiet creak that was produced by the bedroom door. Chanyeol's head immediately snapped toward the direction it came from."
4. ". . .as the slightest twitch at the corner of his mouth makes it appear like an awkward grin. Like, really, really awkward because,"Um, I didn't get you anything . . ." should be "...as the slightest twitch at the corner of his mouth made it appear as if it was an awkward grin. Like, really, really awkward because . . ."Um, I didn't get you anything. . ."
Plot 25/25- I really love your introductory paragraphs; they were really cute, and it gave us a glimpse of the story. Good job. This story is really cute and full of so much fluff. I really love how you planned out the events– you even got me fooled. Not only did you make Krystal confused on why Chanyeol didn't get her any presents, you also made the readers confused. You didn't outright say their emotions; you represented them by their thoughts and actions. Also, I feel like this story isn't cliche. I have read many stories with the boy disappointing the girl, but none of those had anything to do with gift-givings.
Character 25/25- The character were very well planned and described. Like I said before, you didn't just plainly write their emotions; instead you made the readers figure out what they were feeling with how you wrote the characters' actions and thoughts.
Grammar and Spelling 14/20- At the beginning of chapter one, you made many mistakes such as run-off sentences, starting a paragraph with one tense and then going to another tense, and pretty much confusing me in many ways. Just when I felt like this chapter was gonna be full of mistakes, you blew my mind. After your introductory paragraphs, your grammar and spelling was spontaneous. Same thing with chapter two, you have many run-off sentences. I suggest adding commas, dashes, or periods.
Flow 15/15- The flow was really well organized. There was nothing too slow or too fast.
Overall- 91/100 Like others, you should add more periods so you can prevent run-off sentences. It was a real pleasure to read this.
Reply: Wow. Well, that was higher than I expected. Anyway, thank you so much for this review! (especially to Bleu^^) I already credited you guys on the story's foreword :)
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