I woke up seeing Jiwon beside me sleeping. She was sitting on a chair beside my bed looking very tired. I couldn’t remember anything that happened before I fell asleep. I checked my phone and saw nothing. I felt a stinging sensation from my eyes and when I touched its lids I realized that I cried again.

          I was wearing loose clothes, it was not mine but I got up and went out. I left Jiwon there with a blanket covering her fragile little body. I didn’t know where to go. All I know is that my mind is corrupted with the sour sad expression of T.O.P.’s face when I last saw him.

          After walking very far away from the dorm of super junior I realized that I was in front of a very familiar building. I looked at it and recognized it. I was in front of 2ne1’s and Big Bang’s building.

          Right now all I know is that I want to see T.O.P. I need to know why he did that to me. I gasped for air and stood in front of their dorm.  The door was open so I welcomed myself. Seeing their kitchen I remembered cooking for big bang.

          The place is gloomy. The lights are all closed it seems like nobody’s home but suddenly a wail came from a certain room. I opened the door and saw a man who was alone sitting beside his bed surrounded by empty bottles of both wine and soju. He was there alone on his own looking as if he was suffering from so much pain. I couldn’t see his face clearly as he was looking down at the floor where his phone was located. When he heard the door opened he looked at me and kicked his phone away causing it to get broken.

          After he looked away from me I didn’t know whether I should approach him. I just watched him there and started cleaning the bottles that were all over the place. He suddenly started rapping.

Act as if nothing wrong-T.O.P. solo

*a song he dedicated to his ex.. ;(

[HOOK]
Am I supposed to laugh.. as if nothing's wrong
Each day passes by... as if nothing's wrong Oh Oh
[VERSE1]
Hey, I haven't called you in awhile.
I just called to say I'm sorry,
and for that I am even more sorry
Honestly, I don't have anything to say, so I'm just babbling
I was wondering how you have been
"What do you want? You're drunk again aren't you?"
I don't want to hear it again, so I try hard to sound okay
You've become mute on the other side
Because of the random things i'm saying
What's so great about my crooked pride
(I want to run to you but still...)
It's so hard, but I try to act cool, as if nothing's wrong
(If I could get rid of this affection,
if Icould get rid of this hatred)
Ma dear do you know you're all I have
I realized too late I'm sorry ma boo
REPEAT [HOOK]
*~*[Ji- Eun]
As if nothing's wrong, as if nothing's going on..
Memories of you I once tried to erase...
are starting to grow on me Oh Oh
[VERSE 2]
I need U Come back
I want to tell you truthfully
My heart's heavy Fallin Where are you uh!
I can never forget our first date (Why?)
Your birthday is still marked on my calendar
oh no I don't believe
People are saying my laughter has died
There was a familiarity like long lost friends
We used to talk on the phone all night.
How did we have so many things to say back then
How are you doing
The promises I weren't able to keep still clings to my heart
I worry bout you a lot
I wonder if you stay awake at night like I do.
and I feel sorry once again
You said it yourself "You're too mean"
What's the problem? I'm still trying to figure things out
Like an idiot my regrets came too late
(Where you at?) If you leave, what am I supposed to do
REPEAT [HOOK]
REPEAT *~*
[Ji-Eun]: You're no different from the other guys
Why are you taking back everything you said before
Your future was more important to you
([TOP]: Why don't you just call me a liar)

          After hearing him start I stopped and looked at him. His face is a new image for me. I never saw him like this before. Whenever he’s with me he would always be bubbly and funny. This side of him I’ve never seen before is affecting me more than I imagine it would.

          He returned my glances the still the same way he did earlier. I can his anger. It hurts me to see him treat me like this in a way I never thought it would. I’m attached to him already.

          “Do you know how much it hurts to be toyed with?” he asked me as he held both my arms tightly. His were holding me really tight it was as if I could feel his anger through his force but than the physical pain he’s giving me it was his words that stabbed me the most. Every single word caused me pain.

          I remembered Kyuhyun’s face when he learned about my engagement with Siwon. His face was the same but his was more upset than Kyuhyun’s. T.O.P.’s face clearly displays angers but in his eyes I could see how lonely he is. Seeing him like this tortures me.

          Tears started falling from my eyes as well. I tried covering my mouth so I wouldn’t make even a chirp of sound but he didn’t allow me to. He pushed me against the wall with so much force that I thought my whole body would break.

          With my back against the wall and him standing in front of me he started to cry as well. He let go of my arms but trapped my face with one of his arms and punched the mirror beside me. His arms immediately bled but he didn’t he didn’t show any signs of pain from that he just looked at me with his never changing lonely expression.

          “You’re bleeding already! I’ll get the kit” I suggested as I wiped the tears from my eyes.

          With his bleeding hand he punched the wall this time. It left a bloody mark on the wall which really scared me.

          “Why didn’t you tell me anything? It was as if you lied to me!”

He asked me crying looking at me and then at his bleeding hands.  

          I don’t know what to say. I am a coward for not telling him. I didn’t know that it would hurt him this much when he learns about it.

          “Answer me! I need to know how you could do this to Me.” he barked as the turned my face forcefully to look at him.

          I didn’t answer. I don’t know what to say. Hurting him like this certainly an experience I don’t want to face but right now I’m hurting him. Keeping my mouth shut is the best thing I could think of right now.

          I tried reaching for his injured hand but he shook me off him. That didn’t stop me and tried it again and then he finally allowed me to touch him. One by one I tried removing the broken glass that got stuck on his flesh.

          “Are deaf? Answer me!” he squealed as he used his other hand to hold my jaw and stop me from treating him.

          “Why did you allow me to fall for you this deep when you know you cannot stay with me?” he asked in a completely different tone. This time his sadness over came his anger. His voice is weaker and it sounds like he’s crying.

          “How could you allow me to fall for a person who couldn’t be with me?” he asked me as he slowly fell on the ground.

          He was kneeling on the ground crying his silent sobs. He wouldn’t face me this time so I just hugged him.

          “I’m sorry for this bad person that I am.” I whispered to him and hugged him tighter.

          He got weak and I felt it. He rested his head on my shoulders and kept sobbing.

          “Forgive this bad person who made you suffer like this.” I said and caressed his head.

          “I don’t consider myself worthy of the word called love after what happened to me or after what i did to you and kyuhyun. Not Siwon or any other guy would ever have me…forever… I’m sorry” I said and poked my fingers to a sensitive part of his neck that caused him to faint.

          He dropped on my arms and I left him on the bed. I cured his wounds and slightly cleaned his room. I changed him into a clean t-shirt and left.

          Knowing the reason for his actions how could I face him ever again?