When I woke up I was surprised by the crowd that was in the room with me. Before I went to my business it was only Taemin who shared the room with me. When I woke up I saw my twin and eight other girls with us. I checked my phone and it says 3:00 am. I slept 12 pm due to the noise it was hard to sleep but somehow I managed. It will be hard for me to sleep again right now.

 

I walked around the house and found men outside our room. They were all sleeping. The smell of alcohol filled the room. I scrunched my nose in the smell. I was like in a battle field. The SHINee members are sleeping peacefully on the side while both TVXQ and Super Junior members are almost on top of each other. Kyuhyun, Changmin and Ryeowook are sleeping beside each other. I picked up the glass that Kyuhyun held in his hand. Donghae’s hand is on Eunhyuk’s neck while Junsu’s arm is on Eunhyuk’s stomach. Jaejoong’s head is on Yoochun stomach. Yunho oppa’s foot is on Kangin’s face while he hugs Leeteuk. Everyone is in a disoriented manner.

 

I went outside to free myself from the strong smell of liquor in that room. There is a guy that was seating on the ledge. He was alone. Judging by the looks of it he is still drinking. I wonder why he’s alone. My eyes are poor without my contact lenses so I can’t tell who he was just by looking at him like this. Being the nice person that I am. Yes even though men are linked towards me I am NICE. They liked me it’s not my fault is it? It actually makes me wonder what they see in me. *sighs* I went back and took a blanket. I pulled it from Jaejoong Oppa. *evil laughs* I bet he is cute when goes around sneezing like a little child.

 

I slowly went outside and approached the guy. He didn’t notice me so I just placed the blanket around his shoulders and approached him. I was surprised when he looked at me.

 

It was Siwon looking at me with very sad eyes. I just sighed and was about to return back inside but he pulled me and shared the blanket with me.

 

          “Thank you for the blanket” he said.

 

          “Welcome” I just retorted with no emotion.

 

          “Did you enjoy your party?” he asked me.

 

          “Yeah” I retorted.

 

          “Thank you for bringing them here” I added.

 

I looked at him and he looked like a zombie. This is the first time I saw him like this. He was not ugly because his face is disoriented or something but because of the expression that he has.

 

          “You look like a zombie. from behind you look like the hulk. I didn’t really recognize you” I told him.

 

          “It’s for the best I guess. I’m sure if you recognized me you would not cover me with this smelly blanket.” He told me.

 

          “You’re right this blanket is smelly. I took this from Jaejoong oppa” I told him.

 

          “No wonder’ he said and sighed.

 

          I was standing beside him while he was sitting in the ledge with a bottle of beer beside him. He took the bottle and drank again. I looked at the bottle when he placed it back to its original position and there were still some left.

 

          “I’m sorry for not being the right guy for you” he told me and leaned on my shoulders.

 

          “Stop it” I replied still blank.

 

          “I am regretting everything I did before”

 

          “You’re too late”

 

          “Are you sure you really changed?”

 

          “After what you did to me? Yes 100% percent”

 

There was no sound but I felt my shoulder wet. He was shaking and from that I knew he is crying. He just stayed like that. He was about to take the bottle again but I snatched it from him and drank it myself. I wiped my mouth with the back of my palm after that.

 

          “It is so slimy and I guess fishy that’s why I hate drinking beer” I screamed.

 

          “Why did you drink it?”

 

          “…”

 

          “We just kissed”

 

          “Like we never did before”

 

          “That’s harsh”

 

          “What’s harsher than you Yoona’s name even though you’re with me?” I said laughing.

 

          He just kept quiet but I never looked at him. His silence made me actually laugh out more. I promised myself never to cry again because of him so I guess laughter became my defense mechanism. But soon after that laughter faded into a smile that is kept plastered on my face.

 

          “Do you know how much I loved you?” I asked him.

 

          “So much that it hurts even when I sleep”

 

          “So much that it hurts that I did not allow myself to experience love due to the fear of being rejected and left again”

 

          “So much that I wanted to kill myself because of too much pain”

         

          “So much that I kept myself from everything”

 

          “So much that I hated even my twin and my family who meant everything to me”

 

          “So much that I hated the guys I promised that I will love forever”

 

          “So much that I lost everything that meant life to me”

 

          “Right now you’re here beside me crying telling me that you are hurt.”

         

          “So much pain from you I lost the ability to feel compassion and love for other people”

 

          I took the bottle again and gulped its remaining contents. I threw it on the ground. This time he is crying more than he was before. His sobs I can hear it. I removed his head from my shoulders.

 

          “But thank you”

 

          “Thank you. Because of you I met Super Junior, because of you I met Shinee and So Nyo Shi Dae, and because of you I met Big Bang, 2ne1 and TVXQ. Because of you I met people who I know would take care of me even if you leave me. Because of you I learned how to protect myself from things and people that could hurt me” I added.

 

I looked at him. He was still crying. I wiped his tears. Seeing him cry like this is making me laugh. I know that I am not happy but it simply is amusing to me. He couldn’t even look at me while crying. I moved away from him.

 

Again I wiped his tears because it continued flowing and smiled at him. I removed the blanket that he covered me and held on it. I pulled it and him closer to me. He closed his eyes and I kissed him.

 

He opened his lips and allowed me enter. His kiss was not like the ones he used to give me. This time it is gentle. He held onto my neck it must be hard for him to balance. Every movement I can feel it through my entire body. His kisses were gentle and passionate.  We both gasped for air when he released me.

 

I stopped and looked at him. He was smiling when looked at me and was about to hug me but I stopped him.

 

          “Are you happy Choi Siwon?” I asked him.

 

He didn’t answer but nodded. I just looked at him and smiled at him.

          “Did you love me before?” I asked him again.

 

          “I did” he shortly replied as he took my hand.

 

          “Did you enjoy our kiss?” I asked again but with no emotion.

 

He nodded and smiled at me sweetly then hugged me tightly. I felt his body. It is very warm and big different from when we were younger.

 

          “The problem is I didn’t feel anything”

 

          “No matter how much you kiss and hug me I feel numb.”

 

          “Even in bed I don’t think I will anything for you now”

 

          “This is the thing I fear the most to happen. Not feeling anything for somebody.”

 

His arms that were holding my body tightly dropped. I looked at him and smiled. His face was scared it was as if he seen a ghost. Again tears started falling from his deep brown eyes as I wiped it away they kept rushing and it made me chuckle that eventually led to laughter.

 

          “I never thought that I would hate someone so much in this life of mine” I told him still laughing. Now one of my hands in my tummy.

 

          “Who are you?” he asked with a scared expression on his face.

 

          “I’m Lee Suujin, but not the one you dumped before.”

 

          “Where is she… the real Suujin?” he asked me again never changing the expression on his face.

 

          “You mean the one you dumped?”

 

          “She’s dead long ago on the day she promised herself she would never cry again because of you” I replied.

 

          “But you kissed me?” he told me.

 

          “That right! Indeed I kissed you but you know what there comes the fun part”

 

          “What part?”

 

          “The part where I DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHING. NO EMOTIONS. NOTHING” I replied and smiled and turned away from him.

 

I left him there alone. But as soon I turned away I started crying with no sound. Still my smile is left on my face but tears kept falling. When I reached back the room they were still asleep.  I hid my face under the pillows and kept my screams from crying out.

 

 

 

 

Sorry for the short chapter...

 

i don't know how to make this scene more dramatic..

 

Suujin is like a psycho ?!

sounded like she monologued? hahaha

 

According to my psychology teacher when a person feels something towards another person even if its HATE it means that ne or she still cares about the other person. When a person losts his or her care for a another person that means that he or she will not feel anything for that other person.

haha sorry it's crazy and weird but it's the way i understood her lecture.. hahaha LOL ...

 

i love PSYCHOLOGY ...

just sharing :)