Your POV:

After a month of preparation, I finally built up the courage and strength to return to Korea with Mir and my daughter. I had called up my parents two weeks before our flight, telling them about me bringing home good and bad news.

The bad news was that I lost a part of me, which lead to me having SooHae. The good news was that my parents were grandparents. I told them I named her SooHae since she was DongHae’s child and it meant ‘water sea ’or ‘Wednesday Sea’. She was born on a Wednesday afternoon. My father went insane at first but with my mother defending me – and disciplining me at the same time – he calmed down and could not wait until he got the chance to meet his granddaughter.

After a long hour flight and a long wait in customs, we finally burst through the exits. We had taken an evening flight from America. By the time we got to Seoul, it was already mid-morning.

SooHae: Omma, that was a looooooooooong flight!

I carried SooHae in my arms as she yawned. Mir pushed the trolley that was piled up with bags of luggage as we walked to the taxi stands. Since it was mid-morning, there were no crowds huddling together and waiting for a cab. I pushed away strands of hair from SooHae’s – or should I say DongHae’s? – eyes and hid them behind her ears. She hooked her little yet long arms around my neck and glanced around the airport.

It was her first time in Korea.

SooHae smiled and pointed her tiny fingers in all directions, shooting questions at Mir and I. Mir laughed as I tried to calm her enthusiasm.

SooHae: When are we going to see grandma and grandpa? Are they nice?

I nodded, trying to keep her from falling out of my arms.

Me: Yes sweetie. Stop moving about or you’ll fall down!

SooHae ignored my last comment and continued to fidget in my arms, her eyes rolling in all directions. When we walked out of the automatic doors that lead to the taxi stands, sunlight blinded our eyes.

It was spring.

Bushes painted with flowers sat along the outside of the floor-to-ceiling glass windows. There was enough cloud cover and sunlight that made spring day perfect.

SooHae: Wow! Uncle, uncle! Look at the flowers, aren’t they pretty?

Mir laughed and nodded, agreeing with my daughter.

Mir: Yes, just like me, right?

SooHae innocently shook her head.

SooHae: No! Boys can’t be pretty!

Mir: But I’m not a boy!

SooHae: Guys can’t be pretty!

Mir: Hmph, fine then.

I couldn’t help but smile at their childishness. We waited in line for a cab. In approximately five minutes, we were already being driven through the highway that leads to my old house. I still had not sold it, knowing that it would come in handy whenever I planned on returning to my hometown.

When we arrived at the foot of the apartment buildings, I paid for the taxi fare and helped Mir unload the luggage, while keeping a keen eye on SooHae. I asked SooHae to press the ‘up’ button for the lift. When the familiar chime rang, we pushed the luggage into the lift without hesitation. Once we arrived at the doorstep of my old apartment, I got SooHae to find the right key for the key hole while I helped Mir pull the luggage to the doorstep. SooHae tried twisting and turning the keys into the key hole but none fitted since she had turned them upside-down.

I chuckled and asked SooHae to hand the keys over to me. I found the right key and twisted it when it fitted into the key hole. With a click, I pushed open the door and SooHae stepped into it. Still with her shoes on, she explored the entire living room, leaving Mir and I to drag the luggage into the cozy apartment. Mir shut the door behind him and started to remove his shoes. I put my hands on my waist as I glanced around the apartment.

So many things had happened here, I thought, remembering KyuHyun’s and Mir’s physical fight when the first boy had found out about Mir’s ‘mark’ on my back.

Mir had changed so much.

He had behaved recklessly since he knew that there were other guys waiting to snatch and steal his spot as my boyfriend. Despite our closeness in America, we grew distant but I was overjoyed when Mir found someone else – our ex-classmate, Lisa. Since I was the one who broke our relationship, I set him up with Lisa – and it worked out really well!

Me: It’s been awhile.

Mir scoffed as he brushed past me, pulling two of the bags of luggage behind him, with one smaller bag propped on his shoulder.

Mir: Awhile? It’s been 2 years! I’m surprised this place is still so alive.

Me: Hey, don’t judge the house.

Mir: Apartment

He corrected me. I watched as Mir walked into each available room and leave with one less luggage. I found SooHae running around the living room and ‘wow-ing’ at every object she saw.

SooHae: Omma, are we going to live here?

Me: Yes we are. This is our holiday home.

SooHae: When are we going to see grandpa and grandma?

Me: We’ll visit them in 2 days. Tonight and tomorrow, we’ll be going out. We’ll visit towers and nice restaurants.

SooHae ran up to me and jumped in joy, her eyes twinkling.

I cringed at her happiness.

I should be happy but…

It was her eyes that never stopped mesmerizing me – that always made me cringe with regret.

Her eyes were DongHae’s.

……………………………………

After unpacking and rinsing the pots and pans, bowls and plates and cutlery, Mir, SooHae and I settled on the couch, sighing happily after working hard to restore the house. SooHae was the only one who could not stop fidgeting on the couch.

Mir: Yaaaa SooHae-ah, please stop movingggg.

He whined. He rested his head on his palm and blabbed something in gibberish.

SooHae, finding her uncle’s state amusing, shook him vigorously and sang his name.

It was my turn to whine.

Me: Yahhh, SooHae, we’re exhausted from unpacking, let us rest for 10 minutes…

SooHae stopped shaking Mir and sat quietly in between us before shaking me. Despite her small size and age, her shaking felt like an earthquake – considering how drained I was. I looked at her and tickled her belly. She giggled, assaulting my ears. Her giggle was ear-piercing-pitched.

Mir: Okay, okay stop stop _____, my ears are going to burst!

And I stopped. I laughed and shot up from the couch, pulling Mir off the couch with two hands. He stubbornly stayed hunched on the couch, refusing to move.

Me: Fine, be that way! I’ll go change and then we can show SooHae around Seoul.

SooHae clapped her hands and shrieked for joy. I swear Mir’s ears were bleeding.

I walked down the corridor and went to the toilet to wash up and refresh myself. Before I went to the living room, I paid a visit to my empty room. My luggage stood beside SooHae’s “nursing bag”. It was a pastel blue with a gold clutch. We called it a ‘nursing bag’ since it had SooHae’s baby essentials.  I had chosen not to unpack my luggage just yet since my wardrobe had spare clothes in it.

My bedroom was still the same as I had left it. My bed was against the bleached white wall. My window sat opposite my bed. My bedside drawer sat beside my side table, which sat beside my bed head. The only difference from the past and the present was how barren the top of the drawer and side table were.

Before I left for America, photo frames and post-its blanketed the top of the drawers. I pulled out the top drawer and saw that it was full with my art. Doodles, scribbles and sketches piled up to the brim. I gingerly pushed the drawer back into place and pulled out the next one. The next two drawers were empty. I pulled out the last drawer.

It was empty except a book that was childishly decorated. A translucent tape was taped in the middle of the cover. A visible rip made the cover imperfect. I held the book up with delicate fingers and cringed at the sight of KyuHyun’s scrapbook in my hands.

Yes. I did not take it to America with me. I couldn’t bear it. Before I left, I had planned on bringing it with me to America but at the very last minute, I changed my mind. I couldn’t bear carrying a regret and guilt with me. KyuHyun was my best friend. I was not the best of best friends but I still cared for him. I still do, until this day.

I flipped through the scrapbook. My eyes brimmed with tears as I chuckled and scoffed at our funny memories. When I got to the last page of the scrapbook, a piece of paper slipped out and drifted to my feet. I bent down and picked it up with two fingers, scanning both sides of the paper. There was only writing on one side of the paper. I recognized the handwriting immediately. It was KyuHyun’s. Again, my heart cringed. Guilt and regret stabbed me in the back every time I thought about KyuHyun.

Why?

Because I had hurt him and it had killed the both of us. Also, KyuHyun reminded me of him. The one I really did not want to meet while I was here in Korea – Lee DongHae.

My hand shook while I read the words written by my used-to-be best friend.

“_____, I miss you,” it read. How long had this little note been in that scrapbook? Was it there all along? Was I that blur and did not notice that it was at the back of the book?

I shook my head and shut the book, slipping it back into the drawer. I pushed the drawer back into place and stalked out of my room. Before I emerged from the corridor, I heard SooHae innocently ask Mir a question. It made me stiffen with sorrow.

SooHae: Uncle, why don’t you marry omma?

There was a long pause. I could imagine Mir stiffening with surprise. We were both definitely taken aback.

Mir: Shhh…. Not too loud. She might hear you. It’s because your omma has someone else.

SooHae: Huh? Who?

Mir: I don’t know either.

I felt as though Mir was trying to input something. I took a couple of steps back before shouting to the couple in the living room.

Me: Alright, are we ready to go?

I heard SooHae run towards me. Soon I was able to scoop her up in my arms.

Me: Alright, is he ready to go?

SooHae shrugged and leaned in the direction of the living room. I walked to where Mir was and saw him get up from his comfortable seat.

Mir: Where to first?

I was about to answer him when a sudden ringing was heard. Then lyrics played. I finally figured out the title of the song. It was DongHae’s “First Love”. Blushing, I let SooHae down and ran towards the dining table, where my bag sat.

I rummaged through my bag and finally found my phone. I turned and raised an eyebrow at Mir.

Me: Wasn’t my ringtone SISTAR’s “Loving You”?

Mir shrugged, his palms facing upwards.

Mir: Well, you did give SooHae your phone before we boarded the plane. She was playing around with the phone remember?

Before the song could keep playing, I pressed the answer button, to find EunHyuk’s voice on the other line.

EunHyuk: ____??

My eyes widened. How did he know I was back? I hadn’t told him just yet. I wanted to surprise him. Mir saw my sudden expression and questioned me about the caller. I mouthed EunHyuk’s name and he made a gesture, indicating that I should talk to my cousin.

Me: Oh oppa? Did my parents tell you I was back?

EunHyuk: Actually no, but my parents did.

Me: I didn’t think you’d call.

EunHyuk: Well thank you for telling us you were coming back.

Me: I wanted to meet you in 3 days. I wanted to surprise you.

EunHyuk: Well it didn’t turn out very well, did it?

Me: I also brought back a surprise.

EunHyuk: Oh my gosh. Don’t tell me. You got me a Samsung Galaxy S III.

I scoffed.

Me: Pfft, as if I’d get you one! I rather get  Sora (EunHyuk’s older sister) one.

EunHyuk: Oh, fine!

Me: Besides, you can afford one!

I laughed. I waved a palm at Mir and gestured to him to get ready to go.

Me: Can I meet you somewhere in 3 days - Or maybe 2?

EunHyuk: Why not tomorrow or tonight?

Me: I’m erm…

I looked at SooHae who was being pampered by Mir.

Me:  I’ve got plans and I really want to go sightseeing.

At the other line, I heard EunHyuk scoff.

EunHyuk: Alright, seriously, what’s going on?

I snickered and shook my head.

Me: Nothing.

There was a pause, which meant that he didn’t buy it.

Me: Okay there is something. But I’m not going to show it off until I meet you, alright? Oppa, I have to go now. I’ll see you in 3 days, is that alright?

I added, estimating the hours I might spend at my parents’ house when they finally meet SooHae.

EunHyuk: 2 days.

Me: I can’t. I’ll tell you and show it to you when I meet you. In 3 days.

EunHyuk sighed and agreed to meet me in 3 days.

EunHyuk: At Kona Beans?

In an instant, I cried:

Me: No!

I saw Mir, SooHae and imagined EunHyuk jump at my sudden exclamation. 

Me: No, not that far.

I repeated in a calmer tone.

EunHyuk: Geez lady calm your----

Me: ---Don’t you even say it.

EunHyuk: I wasn’t going to say it!

Me: Alright. We’ll meet at this bakery near my apartment. It’s called XX XX bakery.

EunHyuk: Okay then. I know where that is. I’ll see you in 3 days?

Me: Yup.

I gestured to SooHae and Mir to leave for the car. I mouthed to Mir that I would meet them downstairs in 5 minutes. He nodded and carried SooHae out of the house, the car keys clinking in his right jeans pocket. Mir had found it sitting in one of the television cabinets.

EunHyuk: Where are you now?

Me: Erm in a house.

EunHyuk: What’s with you and keeping secrets away from me now?

I could tell he was started to get annoyed with my secrecy.

Me: I’m at home.

I said, grabbing my bag from the table. I slipped my converse on and hopped on one leg, with my phone glued to my right ear, and tried to slip the back of my converse from under my heel. I double locked the door and slipped the keys into a smaller zipped compartment in my bag. I trotted down the emergency stairs and burst through the lobby doors. I saw Mir’s car sitting along the street. He was leaning against the back door of his car, keeping a keen eye on SooHae, who was already strapped and ready to go sightseeing.

EunHyuk: You don’t sound like you’re at home.

Me: Well, I told you I’m going sightseeing.

I put the phone away from my ear and called out to Mir and waved to him. He waved back and opened the back door. He seemed to be telling SooHae that I had arrived. He slammed the back door shut and jogged to the driver’s seat. He hopped in and waited for me to do the same.

I put the phone back to my ear.

Me: Hello?

EunHyuk: You’re with that guy?

In the background, I heard a door shut, muttering and heavy footsteps that almost sounded like a run. Colour was drained from my face.

Me: Oppa, where are you now?

He replied, carefully and slowly.

EunHyuk: I’m at the dorm.

The dorm – where DongHae and KyuHyun were – was the place I feared EunHyuk to be at this moment. Knowing him, he was easily excited and could ‘accidentally’ cry out my details and whereabouts in Korea.

Me: Well we’re going out now.

EunHyuk: You’re going out with Mir?!

Mir: Hey!

I rolled my eyes and gestured to Mir to drive off, after I buckled my seatbelt. Mir quickly asked me where we were heading to. I answered:

Me: The first place you think of.

Mir raised an eyebrow at me but did not question me further. I diverted my attention back to the caller.

Me: No, we’re not going out. Well, not anymore. We’re just going to go sightseeing together.  Besides, he already has someone else.

I added, a smile on my lips. From the corner of my eye, I could see Mir smiling to himself. I was glad he was happy. I really hoped that Lisa would not hurt him like I did.

EunHyuk: What’s her name?

Me: No one you know!

I joked. Mir chuckled and the car halted to a stop since the traffic light had changed to a vibrant red. I turned around to check on SooHae, who seemed to be daydreaming. She was unusually quiet at the back.

Me: Hold on oppa.

I put the phone on my jeans and faced SooHae.

Me: You alright sweetie?

SooHae nodded.

I looked at Mir.

Me: What’s wrong with SooHae?

Mir snickered.

Mir: You’re on the phone so I started playing the Silent Game with her. Whoever can stay silent the longest wins.

I turned back to SooHae, who was smiling.

Me: I guess you won!

SooHae kicked her legs in joy.

SooHae: Yayyyy!

There was a sudden silence that hung in the air.

SooHae: Are we there yet?

Mir: Nope, but we’re almost there.

SooHae: When will we get there?

Mir: Soon.

I laughed and told them to lower their volume as I returned to my conversation with my cousin. Soon, I felt the car move. Mir had turned right at a junction.

Me: Hello?

EunHyuk: Who the hell was that?

Me: That was Mir.

EunHyuk: No. I meant that high-pitched girly baby voice.

At the worst of timings, SooHae cried.

SooHae: Ommmmmmmma, I’m hungry.

EunHyuk: Omma?!

In the background I heard a deep voice saying that EunHyuk wanted his mother, followed by a chorus of laughter. EunHyuk replied in a hushed tone.

EunHyuk: What the hell is going on with you, ____? You aren’t telling me something---Why aren’t you telling me something?

SooHae: Uncle, do you have any food?

Mir: No, shhh for now. I’ll get you some food later.

Mir said, trying to keep his voice as low as possible.

I looked at Mir nervously. Mir shook his head.

Mir: You said not to.

I took the phone away from my ear.

Me: But Mir...

I whined.

Me: He’s my oppa.

Mir: I know but you told me to stop you from doing these things remember?

I did. I had specifically told Mir to stop me from spilling the beans to anyone other than my parents about my arrival and stay in Korea – and my daughter’s.

I shook my head and returned to EunHyuk.

Me: I’ll meet you tomorrow at the same place alright?

EunHyuk: Without Mir.

I looked at Mir.

Mir nodded but I hesitated.

Me: Alright

I breathed.

Wow, EunHyuk talked loudly.

SooHae: Are we there yet?

Me: We’re almost there.

EunHyuk: You are seriously driving me insane.

Me: Okay look, change of subject. I’m staying at my apartment, – the one I haven’t sold of yet – the one I only have, during my stay here. Promise me you won’t tell them.

I knew EunHyuk hesitated as he replied.

EunHyuk: You know I won’t. You can count on me.

Me: And when I meet you, do not tell DongHae--– especially DongHae.

EunHyuk: Is it that bad?

I thought about it. I turned around and saw my daughter’s face. Her mesmerizing eyes – that of her father’s, her cute plum-like cheeks and a voice that was so high-pitched, it assaulted everyone’s ears but sometimes, it was music to our ears, especially mine.

Me: Yes. It’s just that bad.

I replied, turning back to face the front.

The car halted to a stop.

Mir: We’re here.

I gestured for Mir to go ahead and that I needed to talk to EunHyuk. He nodded and understood. He carried SooHae in his arms and walked up the steps that lead to the botanical gardens after locking the car. I came here once as a child, twice as a teenager and none as an adult. It was great to be able to come here again. It held many joyous memories.

I sat on the stoned steps and talked to EunHyuk. Despite him being upset about me not telling him my secrets and statuses, he was definitely happy that I returned home. We talked about my apartment and how I turned out in America.

It was great, really. To be able to talk to someone about my doings made me feel more relaxed, knowing I could rely on that person.

I just hoped it wasn’t the wrong person.

KyuHyun’s POV:

After coming back from driving around town and picking up groceries and doing errands (for LeeTeuk and KangIn), we could finally take a rest. Unlike the rest of us, YeSung was ‘home’ with EunHyuk. It was ShinDong, SiWon, RyeoWook and I that were out running about. The “King and Queen” of the dorm were out eating together. The other four were out together. They had hit the gym in the morning but I did not know their whereabouts at the moment. 

YeSung, ShinDong and RyeoWook huddled around the dining table and started to pick at the biscuits that were probably left by EunHyuk. SiWon sat on the couch and watched a Chinese drama.  Not wanting to eat or spend my time improving my Mandarin, I walked down the corridor.

 I halted in the middle of the corridor when I heard EunHyuk exclaim (loud enough for me to hear) that he still could not believe that she was back. I overheard EunHyuk’s conversation and knew that it was her. It felt as though my heart was lifted.

EunHyuk: Mmm, okay, make sure you clean the place before you sleep for the night.

Clean the place for the night? She must be living in some house that hadn’t been used for ages----

She must be at her place.

EunHyuk had told me that she hadn’t sold it off yet. She must be there – she had to be. That’d be the first place she’d go to.

I burst into EunHyuk’s room, finding my hyung scrambling backwards in terror, holding his phone over his heart.

EunHyuk: Hell! You scared me to death – literally!

I eyed the phone that was still in his grasp and shot him an anxious look.

Me: She’s here, isn’t she? She’s back.

EunHyuk stumbled over his words. I dashed out of the room and ignored EunHyuk’s calls. SiWon was now sitting on the couch with YeSung, RyeoWook and SiWon, who were watching Strong Heart instead of the Chinese show.  I ignored his presence and his questions about my anxiety.

I slipped the keys off the dining table, where ShinDong had left them after he came back from the mini mart downstairs.

I ran out of the dorm with light footsteps and slammed the door behind, cutting off my hyung’s call. I fumbled my phone in my pocket and ran towards one of the four cars that were parked along the street. I opened and shut the door at the speed of light, fastened my seat belt and drove off to her house.

She was here.

She came home.

………………………………….

I arrived at her doorstep. I knocked frantically on the door but no one answered. After five impatient knocks, I rang EunHyuk.

EunHyuk: I knew you’d call. I was about to tell you that---

But I cut him off.

Me: --Where is she?

EunHyuk: Sightseeing apparently.

I sighed. He can be so gullible at times. Even I don’t believe that she was ‘sightseeing’.

EunHyuk: Okay I’m not trying to be offensive but you sound like you are about to murder someone.

I blinked and tried again in a calmer tone.

Me: Hyung, where is she?

EunHyuk: I don’t know. She wouldn’t tell me.

Me: Alright.

Sensing something, he added:

EunHyuk: You aren’t going to wait there until she comes back right?

Me: Maybe. Yes.

EunHyuk: You’re joking right?

Me: She wouldn’t take long and besides, I have games with me so I won’t get bored. I have my DS, PSP, phone and I have my car as shelter and a seat.

EunHyuk: You sound like a homeless man.

Me: Ya, hyung!

EunHyuk snickered.

EunHyuk: Okay, okay. Good luck.

Me: Thanks

I mumbled, hanging up on him. Knowing that she would not be back anytime soon, I headed back to the lobby. I had parked my car along the street and in front of the lobby, knowing that I would be able to see her car pull in when she returned from her ‘sightseeing’.

I hopped back into the car and wound the windows half way so that I would not suffocate and feel stuffy. I sat in my car, watching every movement around me, hoping to catch a glimpse of her.

How much I missed her.

Your POV:

The last time we left the house was around 12pm, after the unpacking and cleaning up. We went to the botanical gardens and took over hundreds of pictures together. There were many solo and paired up shots but little trios since it looked as though SooHae was Mir’s child--- But she wasn’t!

After one and a half hours of nature, we headed to XX XXXX market, where we bought finger foods and snacks for the next few days. We bought souvenirs for friends back home – especially since Olivia and Melanie threatened me to get them some. “SNSD, 2PM!” I mocked Melanie. I had rolled my eyes and had thought about the souvenirs I had gotten the both of them.

I got SooHae a simple black head band that did not cost more than 5,000Won. Cheap, I know but it was a souvenir for her from Korea.

We walked around the market for an hour before we dropped by the supermarket. I could not believe that we spent an hour in that freezer. Our trolley was filled to the brim with snacks, milk, meat and vegetables. I had also bought some baby food for SooHae.

Once we got the car boot filled with groceries, we headed back home for an early dinner. SooHae was restless and whined in the car. I talked to her and distracted her for a whole 20 minutes. When we finally arrived at the foot of the house, I felt relieved.

But my relief faded when Mir unlocked the boot. He got out first and unloaded the groceries and the baby pram, which was hiding at the very back of the boot. I unstrapped and unbuckled SooHae’s baby seatbelt before carrying her out of the car.

Me: Now I have to put you in the pram alright?

SooHae yawned and fidgeted but did not whine or wail. I thanked the heavens for that. I did not wish to make a scene in public. I helped Mir with the groceries. He carried the heavier items while I tried to hang some of the lighter items on the handles of the pram. I asked Mir to hand me the car keys while he walked up the steps first. I made sure that the pram was balanced before slamming the trunk down and locking the car. I threw my bag over my shoulder and slipped the car keys into the small zipper compartment in my bag.

I pushed the pram that had bags of groceries hanging from the handles to the foot of the steps when I heard my name being called. It sounded more like a question, as if that person wasn’t sure if it was me or not.

???: ______?

I mouthed the word ‘no’. My eyes widened with fear. I was stiff to the bone.

SooHae noticed my sudden halt and looked up at me with her twinkling eyes.

SooHae: Omma, up there!

She said, pointing to the ramp to my right.

???: Omma?!

I spun around and studied the man in front of me. What had taken me aback was when he ran up to me and scooped me into his arms, squeezing me as tightly as he could. He broke the hug and held my shoulders with firm hands.

???: You’re married to him?!

He growled, acknowledging Mir’s presence at the top of the steps. His jaw tightened and his hands clenched into tight fists. It looked as though he could kill something.

Maybe me.

Me: KyuHyun.

I let me senses take over and without hesitation, I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him close to me. My nose was tucked into his chest. He smelled of soap and laundry detergent but his natural scent incased the two other scents.

Gently, he hooked his arms around my sides and hugged me back, before squeezing me tightly again.

KyuHyun: I missed you

I heard his voice shake. I blinked and felt my cheeks burn.

KyuHyun tightened his arms around me and rocked me from side to side. He nuzzled his nose in my hair and repeated:

KyuHyun: I missed you so much.

I pushed away from him when SooHae sand my name.

SooHae: Ommmmmaaaaa! Uncle is over there!

KyuHyun: Uncle? You’re married to someone else?

He cried, eyes locked on the concrete. His voice cracked in the middle as he looked at me with tear-brimmed eyes.  I shook my head. I looked at Mir and he nodded, indicating that KyuHyun should know the truth.

Me: I’m not… I’m not married KyuHyun. I’m single.

KyuHyun’s head shot up and a quizzical, troubled expression replaced his previous emotion.

KyuHyun: Then who’s the father---?

His eyes shot up. An imaginary light bulb lit at the crown of his head. I shook my head, thinking that he thought it was Mir. Then I saw him slip his phone out from his pocket and phone a contact. He pressed it to his ear and waited for it to ring. It was then when I knew what he was planning.

I snatched the phone away from his ear and ended the call. He had planned to call EunHyuk.

KyuHyun: He needs to know.

I looked at KyuHyun grimly.

Me: I know. He’ll know tomorrow.

KyuHyun: I’m coming with you.

Me: No, you aren’t.

Behind me, SooHae started crying. I sighed and lowered my shoulders, turning away from KyuHyun. I started pushing the pram up the ramp when a sturdy hand stopped me. I linked the hand, the arm and the shoulder to the person’s face. It lead to KyuHyun’s small sharp face.

KyuHyun: Let me go it. Go and help Mir.

Me: No, it’s alright, I got it.

KyuHyun: Just go. Besides, I think the milk’s going to spoil soon.

I bent in front of SooHae.

Me: SooHae-ah, don’t cry anymore. Omma’s going to help Uncle Mir alright? This other uncle will push you up the ramp. I’ll meet you at the top, alright?

SooHae rubbed her eyes and stopped crying for a moment. She faced KyuHyun who gave her an Angel’s smile. She stared at him and blinked her innocent eyes, before diverting her attention to me.

SooHae: Isn’t he appa?

I stiffened and swallowed hard, my gaze softening when her eyes met mine. I shook my head.

Me: Your appa is busy and can’t see you – us – right now.

SooHae sniffled and quietly sobbed. I looked at KyuHyun who held the same grim expression I did.

Hesitantly, I left to help Mir.

Me: I’m sorry.

Mir: Don’t worry about it. The only thing that I’ll blame you for is if the milk gets spoiled.

Me: Haha, that’s what he said.

Mir jerked his head towards the lobby.

Mir: Let’s go.

We took the lift up to the apartment and unlocked the door. I let Mir in first since he had the heaviest groceries.

KyuHyun helped unload the groceries that were hung on the pram’s handles. He kicked his shoes off in the flat before placing the groceries on the dining table. He walked back out and helped me with the pram. I was about to carry SooHae when KyuHyun stopped me from doing so. I looked at him and was about to ask what he was doing but he interrupted me, cutting the words that wanted to escape my mouth.

KyuHyun: I want to carry her, is that alright?

I hesitated at first but the intense look in his eyes made me give in to him. I nodded and unbuckled the pram’s belt for him. He put his hands under her arms and lifted her up, and gently held her in his arms.

SooHae stared at him before turning to me and calling out to me.

SooHae: Ommmma!

She struggled but I still left her in KyuHyun’s safety.

Me: SooHae-ah, gwaenchana, he’s your uncle, he won’t hurt---

KyuHyun: SooHae?

He asked, his jaw tight. He handed SooHae over to me before he closed his eyes and spun around, with his back facing me. I knew that he would explode. I carried SooHae into the living room and called for Mir. He lifted her up and carried her down the corridor. I closed the front door so that SooHae would not hear us.

KyuHyun: She’s DongHae’s daughter?

He breathed. He spun around with slow steps and clenched his fists. He looked at me and my heart fell.

KyuHyun: Of all people—

He let the tears fall freely. He didn’t even acknowledge rubbing them away.

KyuHyun: ---Why him?

My chest tightened as I reached out for him. He flinched and held onto the pram’s handle. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths in and out, trying to calm his agitated nerves. I watched as he stalked away from the pram. He stared blankly at the lift before raising his fist high in the air and was about to bring it down---

I sprinted in front of him and crouched defensively but his fist never contacted with my face.

Me: Don’t hurt yourself. Please.

KyuHyun: I’m already hurt. I’ve always been hurt.

He blinked and a streak of tears rolled down his pinked cheeks.

KyuHyun: But why is it always by you?

His gaze brushed mine briefly before he stalked off to the emergency stairs. I heard his heavy footsteps brush the concrete. And it stopped.

Complete silence took over. I stood in the isolated hallway, unable to erase the image of KyuHyun’s depression.

It was then when I heard a husky scream coming from the stairs. My heart skipped a beat when I found out that it was KyuHyun. Wounded by KyuHyun’s sorrow, my chest tightened. Oxygen seemed to cut short. Without noticing, my eyes started b with tears.

I dragged myself back into the house after I had folded the pram half of its size. I shut the door and locked it once. I leaned the pram against the wall and fell onto the couch, staring blankly at the grey-black television screen.

I didn’t think coming back to Korea would be this painful.

……………………………….

SooHae: Omma..

She whined, tugging the end of my shirt. I had been lying in my bed ever since KyuHyun left heartbroken. Mir tried getting SooHae out of my room but I waved a hand at him, indicating that I didn’t mind my daughter’s presence. He nodded but didn’t leave us alone. Instead, He sat on the edge of my bed and patted my arm, trying his best to comfort me.

At this kind of situation, I wished I could hug Mir. He was better now and had stopped drinking, which was a huge improvement. But I couldn’t. He was dating Lisa. Instead, I lay in bed and rubbed my eyes, trying to clean the ugly thoughts out of my mind.

Mir: You’ve been in here for half an hour – doing nothing. Why don’t you go and get some fresh air? Or at least snack on something. We didn’t have a heavy lunch.

I shook my head.

Me: I’m not hungry but I’ll go for a walk.

SooHae: Omma, I want to come too!

Mir: No, SooHae, your omma needs---

Me:--No, it’s alright.

Mir shot a concerned look at me, as if asking me if SooHae accompanying me was a good idea.

Me: No one will see us.

I assured him. He didn’t seem to buy it, but gave in anyway.

Mir helped put on SooHae’s shoes while I slipped mine on. When the lift arrived, it took us to the lobby. We emerged from behind the automatic doors and stepped out in sync. I glanced around and tugged SooHae’s tiny hand forward, slightly pulling her away from the lift. She shrieked in joy and jumped happily.

A honey-like voice interrupted SooHae’s happiness.

I spun around step by step and was face to face with a tall, beautiful man.

KyuHyun: I’m sorry.

I was about to ask what he was apologizing for but he stepped out of my view and another man came in view. My eyes widened and my shoulders dropped.

There, in front of me stood my cousin EunHyuk. His jaw dropped when he saw me holding onto my daughter’s hand. He looked back and forth, trying to spot the resemblance between us. But I found him staring at her.

SooHae was intimidated by his stare and tugged my hand, looking at me with her father’s eyes.

SooHae: Is he appa?

I cringed, as usual. Whenever SooHae threw that question at me, I always shook my head and repeated the same excuse over and over again – that her father was busy or that he did not want to see us. This time, it was no different.

Me: No, sweetie, he is your uncle. He and omma are cousins.

She looked at EunHyuk and back at me before nodding.

Me: Why don’t you go greet him?

She shook her head.

Me: Ayssi, come on.

I hauled her up in my arms and stepped towards EunHyuk. I tried to ignore KyuHyun’s intense stare on my left.

Me: EunHyuk oppa, she is your niece.

EunHyuk acknowledged SooHae with a kind, fatherly smile. He held her wrist gently and played with her fingers. It made her laugh.

I swallowed hard, hoping he would not ask for her name. But of course, I was full of misfortune.

EunHyuk: What’s your name?

Before I could answer for her, my daughter boldly spoke for herself.

SooHae: My name is (your surname) SooHae.

EunHyuk was astonished. He straightened his back and looked at me with panicky eyes.

EunHyuk: And he doesn’t know?

I bowed my head and shook it.

Me: Not yet.

EunHyuk: When are you planning to tell him?

KyuHyun: Never – right?

EunHyuk shot KyuHyun a dirty look before pleading me with his eyes.

SooHae: Ommaaaa when can we go?

Me: Shhh SooHae, omma’s talking.

EunHyuk: _____, I don’t mean to spoil your plans but he’s going to find out sooner or later. I mean, you’re in Korea. And with this big surprise-

He jerked his chin in SooHae’s direction.

EunHyuk: -It’s hard to keep these kinds of surprises in, especially when the past is still tagging behind us.

I groaned, defeated by EunHyuk’s logic.

Me: I’ll try to keep her away as long as possible.

KyuHyun: I hope so.

I heard KyuHyun mutter under his breath. I gulped, pretending as though I did not hear him.

I needed to talk to KyuHyun in private, somewhere he would not overreact. I looked at EunHyuk. We shared a gaze before I diverted my attention to KyuHyun’s glowering face. I returned my gaze to EunHyuk and as if reading my mind, he offered to carry SooHae. SooHae recoiled against me but with persuasion and a few sweet smiles from EunHyuk, she gave in to him. Before carrying her out of the lobby, EunHyuk looked over his shoulder and told us that he was going to wait at the front entrance.

Before he turned back, our gazes settled on one another. His gaze seemed to wish me the best of luck. I turned to KyuHyun who was about to storm off. I caught his wrist and propelled myself forward, giving him a tight back hug. I felt him tighten and grow stiff.

Me: You have to understand.

He lowered his shoulders and soon, the rigidity that I could feel from his sides and arms vanished. He lowered his head. I imagined his eyes looming over my fingers, trying to accept the fact that I was the one who was back-hugging him.

KyuHyun: What is there to understand?

He asked sarcastically. There was agony in his voice. Pure agony flowed through his veins every minute he saw me. Fury took over when he saw SooHae and I together. He was just that legible.

KyuHyun: I can’t believe you slept with someone who you’re not even married to!

He raised his voice but it wasn’t loud enough for the security guard at the front desk to hear us.

Me: You can be mad at me for that. I was stupid and he was a lust that I-- i craved for.

KyuHyun stiffened again and tried pushing me away but I held my ground.

Me: But understand that I regretted it. I regret bringing her into this world, knowing that I have left a trail of regrets behind me. KyuHyun, please move on, and forgive me.

I hugged him tighter as hot tears streamed down my cheeks. I pressed the side of my head against his back as I sobbed silently.

KyuHyun got the chance to push me away. He spun around on his heels to face me but jerked back in surprise to find that I was crying. Without hesitation, he swooped his arms under mine and pushed me against him. His chin was fitted perfectly at the curve of my neck.

KyuHyun: I miss you – even when you’re not gone.

I the back of his hair and broke the hug. I rubbed my tears from my eyes before we joined EunHyuk and SooHae in the open. We walked to a nearby park and spent the evening there. As we strolled through the park, I let out a heavy sigh.

How can one person be struck with countless misfortunes? In one day – the day when we had just arrived in Korea – drama struck thrice.

The first was when EunHyuk suspected SooHae and found out about my arrival in Seoul, leading KyuHyun to suspect and look for me, and now, EunHyuk’s reaction in discovering SooHae.

I just hoped a bird wouldn’t excrete its waste on me. Let’s hope that I did not just jinx myself. I had enough drama for one day.

I sat on a bench as I watched KyuHyun and EunHyuk spend quality time with SooHae. She occasionally ran up to me and tried pulling me towards the duck pond that was surrounded by cattails and several protective rocks that prevented mischievous children like SooHae from falling into the translucent pond. I shook my head and shooed her off to play with her uncles. She whined but fun was paramount to her – and probably every other child at her age.

After a few games of ‘catch’ and hide and seek, KyuHyun came to join me. He plopped himself down beside me and left his arms dangling by his sides, brushing against mine. I shivered at the sudden touch and clasped my hands together, angling my arms inwards. KyuHyun didn’t seem to notice.

He leaned back, letting out a sigh.

KyuHyun: She reminds me of you, you know, when we were younger.

I snickered, eyeing my daughter and EunHyuk, who was pretending to be a monkey by hopping around with his hands under his armpits and imitating a monkey scratching under his armpits. I found my lips pulling back into a thin line, forming a smile.

Me: How though? I don’t remember being so friendly with everyone.

KyuHyun: That’s DongHae’s trait then.

Me: Oppa…

He shook his head, stopping me from adding more comments.

KyuHyun: She’s as hyper as you and she’s always curious. You were curious too. I can still remember the silliest thing you did when we were 6 was when you wondered what was in the porcelain bowl.

I grumbled and shook my head.

Me: Yes, yes, I know, I know, I broke the bowl and cut a deep cut in my leg…

KyuHyun: So you better watch out for her.

Me: I know.

KyuHyun: So how’s Mir?

I sneaked a glimpse at him. He was watching SooHae laugh as EunHyuk scooped her up in his arms and rocked her left to right. He s towards us and SooHae giggled at the way EunHyuk was walking.

Me: He’s doing better – better than last time.

KyuHyun nodded and his expression grew solemn, suspecting that I Mir still had feelings for me and vice versa, so I added:

Me: He has a girlfriend called Lisa in the US.

His expression lit up and he nodded, smiling in relief. EunHyuk put SooHae on her two feet. She tried climbing onto my lap. With my help, she sat on my lap and smiled.

SooHae: Omma has a lot of guy friends.

I chuckled and shook my head. Other than family, I only had at most 5 guy friends. There was Mir, KyuHyun and 3 of my classmates from university. EunHyuk burst out laughing but KyuHyun kept his serenity. He smiled at her and pocked her left cheek with his index finger.

SooHae pouted before continuing.

SooHae: But none of them is my appa…

EunHyuk’s laughter died, KyuHyun stared at her and my expression grew grave.

SooHae: Omma, are you sure it’s not uncle?

SooHae held KyuHyun’s hand and played with his long fingers. She looked at me and fluttered her little eye lids, hoping for the right answer. KyuHyun smiled ruefully and shook his head.

KyuHyun: I wish.

I cringed and looked at KyuHyun, who avoided eye contact with me. SooHae made an ‘O’ with her lips and nodded miserably.

SooHae: Uncleeeeee, do you know who my appa is?

Me: SooHae, that’s enough.

I said, hoping she would stop.

SooHae: Ommaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Me: SooHae, I said that’s enough.

I added sternly. I sighed as SooHae’s eyes started b with tears.

EunHyuk: Ayssi, don’t cry SooHae-ah, Uncle EunHyuk is here.

SooHae rubbed her eyes with her soft knuckles and gave EunHyuk a small smile.

Noticing my dejection, EunHyuk offered to carry SooHae again as we returned to the apartment. I agreed and we sauntered out of the park. EunHyuk and SooHae walked in front of KyuHyun and I, allowing me to have a think about different ways to prevent DongHae from discovering SooHae.

KyuHyun: You should tell her – and him.

Me: I don’t want to. Not now, hopefully not ever.

KyuHyun: Well, why not? It’s not like you can keep it away from her fore----

Me: ---I know, I know, I heard that more than I need to…

KyuHyun fell silent and I knew that he thought he was infuriating me.

Me: I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to say that. It’s just---

I sighed.

Me: ---That night when I was with him. Nothing should have happened. I regret it. My parents—T-They can’t even look at me. My dad was furious and my mum… Well, she was more understanding but she was disappointed in me. I made them embarrassed, I disappointed them and most of all, I wasted their endless effort of bringing me up as a good girl.

I frowned and shook my head, trying to hold back the angry tears that stung the back of my eyes.  KyuHyun didn’t say a word. Instead, he reached down and held my hand in his. He brought it up to his mouth and kissed it softly, before letting my arm fall back to my side.

KyuHyun: Don’t say that. Yes, they might’ve been surprised but you’re still their child.

Me: Well they have another one. My sister’s still in the US. She stayed with us when she came over for work.

KyuHyun: Really? I didn’t know. Is she doing alright?

I nodded.

Me: Better than I am. She was the first to know I was---

I chose my words carefully.

Me: --With SooHae.

KyuHyun: Are you seeing them – your parents – tomorrow?

I shook my head.

Me: No. I’m bringing SooHae around. I plan to take her to around Seoul, Busan and Mokpo, since I’m much more familiar with those areas. Mir’s going to be the chauffeur.

KyuHyun: Is it alright if I tag along?

I scoffed and shot KyuHyun a playful scornful look.

Me: You just want to go because he’s going.

KyuHyun: I also want to spend time with your daughter.

‘Your daughter’. Regret, guilt and embarrassment always slapped me in the face whenever I heard those words.

SooHae should’ve never been born. I should’ve never done what I did that night. I hated my actions. I hated myself. I caused pain to others yet I accepted the pain for myself. For the past 2 and a half years, I had been living in regret, guilt and embarrassment. I mostly lived regretfully. I had disappointed so many people – KyuHyun, EunHyuk, my unnie and my parents.

But most of all, I had disappointed myself.

…………………………………………

Mir: While you were gone I cooked dinner. We’re having kimchi udon soup but SooHae’s having chicken udon soup.

Me: Well, it smells nice in here.

SooHae sat on the carpet in the living room, crossed-legged and playing with her English alphabet puzzles.

Mir: You were out for an hour. Something bad happened. Come on, I know that look on your face. Spill.

Mir leaned against the dining table and waited for my response.  I sighed and told him what had happened earlier this evening. Mir gasped and leaned to his right to peek at SooHae.

Mir: How did he take it?

Me: It was surprising at first—But hey, who can help it, right? But while we were at the park, they got along really well.

I bent forward and whispered, hoping SooHae would not overhear.

Me: She kept asking about him.

I said, emphasizing on the last word.

Mir frowned and stood back up.

Mir: Again? She’s so curious.

Me: And curiosity always kills the cat.

Mir nodded, agreeing with me. I pursed my lips and tapped my fingers on the table top. He noticed my frown and added:

Mir: You could’ve used one of us to act as a father to her.

Me: And lie to her? That’s even worse than keeping it from her.

Mir: But she’s fatherless _____. No child should have one less parent. She needs him, whether you like it or not.

I scowled, admitting defeat.

Me: Damn it. But she shouldn’t have been born. I shouldn’t have done it. I’ve been full of regrets ever since that stupid reckless night.

Mir scoffed.

Mir: Were you drunk or something? I was really surprised when I found out that you actually did that. It’s not typical of you.

I groaned, stretching my body like a cat.

Me: Thanks for helping me forget it Mir.

I replied sarcastically.

Mir chuckled and headed to the counter. When he spun back, he was carrying a steaming pot of kimchi soup. I inhaled the scent and sighed happily. Maybe food would be able to calm my nerves. He repeated his steps but came back with two big bowls of kimchi udon soup. I helped him place each of the bowls on the dining mats. He headed back to the counter and held SooHae’s mini bowl of chicken udon soup.

He placed it on a smaller mat that had Barney the dinosaur on it. At first glance, the udon in SooHae’s bowl looked nothing like udon. Mir had cut each strand into pinky-sized strips, making it easier for SooHae to chew and swallow. I turned to SooHae and called her.

Me: SooHae, dinner’s ready, come on.

As SooHae got up, I returned my gaze to the small feast we were going to have. I saw Mir frown, creating creases on his forehead.

Me: What’s wrong?

I felt SooHae tugging the end of my shirt, her little crumpling the material.

Mir: How is she going to eat without a baby chair?

I glanced around and made an ‘o’ with my mouth.

Me: Oh shoot. Well erm, let’s improvise. We’ll sit around the coffee table.

I jerked my thumb towards the living room. Mir sulked but agreed. We moved the mats, cutlery and, most importantly, the dinner to the coffee table. We sat on the ground. For Mir and I, it was harder to eat, considering the height of the coffee table. But for SooHae, it was perfect, and that was all that mattered.

SooHae: Did you cook this uncle?

Mir nodded and blew at his spoon that he had just filled with chicken soup, as if trying to cool the steaming soup.

Mir: Yup, I did. Here, have some. It’s chicken soup.

SooHae gladly opened wide enough for the soup to flow into . She swallowed happily and gave Mir a satisfied nod and a thumbs up. She gave him a side hug before asking us for more dinner.

We ate together like a happy family. I had switched on the television for entertainment. We watched Strong Heart together. Laughter filled the air as we ate our dinner. I occasionally shot brief glances at Mir and at SooHae. As SooHae laughed, I couldn’t help but smile at the end of her eyes curling up and her thin lips pulling back into a smile, showing six baby teeth.

Then I thought about what we were doing.

SooHae, Mir and I were eating together. Mir had always been like a father to SooHae. Lisa hadn’t mind. Sometimes, I’d drop her off at Lisa’s house since I had to take extra classes after school hours. Lisa was kind and babysits her for me. I had told Mir not to tell Lisa about our past relationship, not wanting things to get complicated and ugly between us girls.

We were eating as though we were a family. I couldn’t help but cringed at the thought. I stared at my baby girl. What will she be like when she grew up? If she turned 12, 13, 14 or maybe even 16, how will she react to her father still being alive but on the other side of the world? I lowered my shoulders and continued to slurp on my dinner, trying to block the thoughts out of my head.

Most of all, will I be haunted by the thought of DongHae never finding out about his daughter – and vice versa?

………………………………………

DongHae’s POV:

I pressed the button on my phone. The clock read 6.30pm. Where was EunHyuk? Where was KyuHyun? Everyone else was waiting for those two to return to the dorm so that we could eat dinner.  LeeTeuk and I had tried calling the both of them but none picked up. I started getting suspicious. Were they out together?

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. ShinDong sprang up from his seat on the couch and ran for the door but YeSung had got there first. He pulled the door open after peeking through the peep hole.

YeSung: Leader and Hae have been trying to reach you! Well, actually, SungMin too but never mind that, what took you guys so long?

KyuHyun and EunHyuk smiled sheepishly and bowed as an apology.

EunHyuk: Sorry we left you all waiting. We erm--

He exchanged a brief glance at KyuHyun, which was so quick it looked as though it did not occur.

KyuHyun: --I went to get ice-cream and bumped into him and then we erm saw---

EunHyuk: --My omma. We chatted with her and she brought us to this bakery and we got some bread.

KyuHyun: But we ate it all because we were hungry.

ShinDong: Well, let’s just get eating. Since you two were late, get the other members who are starving.

They nodded and hurried off to the corridor, knocking on every door. Slowly, a line of members emerged from the corridor. Dinner was already set on the table. Luckily, there was still steam and the kimchi soup was still hot.

HeeChul: Next time get me some bread too. We’re starving because of you!

KangIn: Young people…

LeeTeuk: Ya, ya, let’s sit and eat, I’m starving too!

I settled in a seat in between EunHyuk and SiWon.

Me: Did you say hi to omoni for me?

EunHyuk: No

Me: Hmph. Anyway, what took you so long? You just bolted off and then you come back late.

EunHyuk: Well Kyu--- Ayssi, I’ll tell you later. Here, have some vegetables.

EunHyuk placed some vegetable on the peak of my rice mountain.

Me: Thank youuu

In return, I put some chicken in his rice bowl. He thanked me and we ate greedily. Hands shot out from every direction, trying to get a serving of everything. There was a huge pot of soup in the middle of the table. Surrounding it were five plates of vegetables and meat. Plates got passed over heads and over the soup as members asked for a serving of each item.

Constant chattering and laughter still lingered after the scrumptious dinner made by SungMin, RyeoWook, LeeTeuk and SiWon. It was not my night to do the dishes so I joined EunHyuk in our room. EunHyuk saw the curiosity written on my face and began.

EunHyuk: I rushed out because KyuHyun called me and asked me if I was free since he had saw omma.

Me: Ah well, it’s alright, I don’t need an explanation, I’m just curious that’s all. But next time, please just say hi to omoni for me!

EunHyuk laughed and nodded.

EunHyuk: Okay, I promise!

I smiled and jumped on my bed and checked my phone for messages and other notifications. I felt EunHyuk’s eyes on me. I turned my head and saw that he was.

Me: What?

EunHyuk lowered his shoulders and sighed.

EunHyuk: Hae, you need to forget about her.

I didn’t have to ask who he was talking about. I stiffened and returned my attention to the screen of my phone.

EunHyuk: Look at you. Ever since she left, you’ve been miserable and I’ve never seen you laugh or smile for more than 2 minutes. No matter how funny a joke is, no matter how happy a situation or event is, I can see that you’re not happy – not very happy. It scares me to see you like this – in this state.

I dropped my phone on my left and sighed, rubbing my index finger and thumb in circles on my forehead.

Me: I can’t get over her. I’ve tried. I even used a rebound.

EunHyuk: I know, and you regretted it.

Me: I am not doing it again. I’m not going to use someone just for my sake.

EunHyuk: You remember HyunA?

I nodded.

Me: Of course I do.

EunHyuk: Look at her now. She’s happy with another guy because she moved on. It took her a year but she was patient and willing to let go of KyuHyun. She’s free of depression.

I scoffed.

Me: I am not in depression.

It was his turn to scoff.

EunHyuk: Just look at you, Hae. You are depressed. Your look sad, you speak sad, you even walk sad!

Me: How do you even walk sad?

I asked innocently, hoping this conversation would die out like flames in a burning building.

EunHyuk: It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m seeing my best friend in depression. She might be my cousin, Hae, but you have to forget about her.

I waved a hand in his direction, hoping it would make him quiet.

Me: I can’t EunHyuk. You know that feeling – where you know she isn’t the one but you know that you’ll love her forever? That’s what I feel. And even if I loved someone else, I would still care for her. It would kill me if I know that she’ll get married with someone else - that kind of feeling.

EunHyuk did not comment or protest. Instead, he came over to me and pulled me into a sitting position and gave me a quick hug.

I returned the hug before EunHyuk disheveled my hair.

EunHyuk: Don’t be depressed alright?

I nodded solemnly.

EunHyuk: You need to smile more.

I repeated the same nod.

EunHyuk: You’re trying to cover up your misery but it isn’t working very well – just saying.

Me: Thanks hyung, I feel better.

EunHyuk playfully punched me in the shoulder as he strode out of our room.

I sat on my bed and looked out the window that was perched above the drawers that stood opposite the door.

The sky was painted with shades of orange, yellow, pink, red and indigo. It was beautiful, especially with a full moon as the centre of attraction.

I stretched my arms across the soft material of the bed and felt a hard object. I jerked my hand up in surprise to only find that the hard object was my phone. I pressed the button and typed in my password. I grasped my phone tightly. I felt as though it would take the shape of the curves on my hand, since I was squeezing it as tightly as I could. I felt as though I could break it or even reshape it.

My heart felt heavy, as always, ever since she left Korea - ever since she left me. I wished that there was someone else I knew. I wish that that someone else would love me and I would be happy again. I hoped for a miracle but miracles rarely occurred, especially in a reality like ours.

I clicked on the messages button on the screen of my phone. It led me to a list of my recent messages as well as my previous ones. I scrolled down and past countless names but none of them were the one I was looking for. I tapped at the search button and typed it the name I wanted to find.

My heart skipped a beat as our history popped up on the screen. I clicked on the conversation that was from 2 years ago – more than 2 and a half years ago, since for 6 months I did not contact her.

I read our texts that we sent each other.

Our virtual goodnight hugs and kisses and her lame jokes that she made when I was exhausted from training. She’d send me memes, mostly of EunHae that were made by the fans. These little things made me cringe with sadness. I was grieving over memories that were of 2 and a half years ago. EunHyuk was right. I was depressed. I wanted to hug her; I wanted to kiss her or at least just hold her and hear her voice which was music to my ears.

I wanted to see her. 

I wanted to know if she was happy – if she currently loves someone. Was he making her happy? If so, I’d be happy for her, no matter how miserable I got.

I read through the 2000+ bubble texts.

I cringed when I saw that I had sent her a picture text. I tapped on the picture to enlarge it. When it finally loaded, I bit my lip and regarded the image with a sorrowful gaze, adding to the melancholy mood I was already having. It was of me and her. She had her arms around my neck. Her chin rested on my shoulder as I smiled and held the phone away from us and took a selca.

I miss her.

Why did she go to the other side of the Earth?

Was she hiding something from me? If she was, what was it?

I linked different questions and different scenarios and ended at a final thought.

Why did EunHyuk and KyuHyun exchange gazes when they were asked where they had been?

I sighed, lowering my shoulders and hunching my back. I closed my eyes and a scene flashed in my mind. It was that night. I had to admit; it made me guilty yet made me feel at ease. But the expression she held on her face in the morning…

I ran my fingers through my hair as I blinked my eyes open once again.

I inhaled and exhaled sharply.

Me: Okay, all you need is a warm shower. Yes, you just need a shower.

I grabbed a new set of pajamas and underwear and threw my towel over my shoulder. I headed down the corridor and veered to my left, into a smaller corridor. On my left was the bathroom, which was, thankfully, vacant. Hopefully the water that will be streaming down my face would wash away my pain.

EunHyuk’s POV:

I sighed, exchanging a quick glance with KyuHyun who was sitting on the arm of the couch in the living room. I sat on a dining chair as some of the members and I watched Strong Heart together.

If only DongHae knew, he wouldn’t be depressed.

But if he did know, things would start getting ugly and the past would return.