★— BabysUnited
` ✼ exotic grounds — reviews gallery
title: 2/5
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The thing that puts me off is your title because it’s way too common but it does, kind of, fit in with your story.
foreword and description: 3/10
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I was very confused, reading the description because at first you wrote ‘You were once his but your life was taken away unexpectedly. You were given a chance to fight back for your life but under a harsh condition. Are you willing to take on the challenge just to be with... him?’ I thought this was the forward and it grew me in but then you answered the question on the next paragraph ans I was like… ‘Huh?’ The first paragraph was cool but the second one… not so cool. Sorry for being informal but I’m an open person and say whatever is in my mind. Then you mentioned ‘Be mute and live as a doll’, when I first read this I was like, ‘an actual doll?’ It was so confusing. So either get rid of the second one or change the second one a bit. To something along these lines: “You aren’t meant to die but now that you've seen part of the afterlife, I’m afraid I can't let you go. The privacy of this existence is much more important than your life.” You were about to protest but was stopped as the voice continued, “No human can be trusted.” "Choose, do you want to go back whilst being muted or to stay here and grab other humans’ life as a grim reaper forever?" Everything went dark. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t know how to do this. All I knew was decision I made was better for both me and him.
This doesn’t reveal what decision she chose so it leaves the reader thinking and excited to know what happens next.
appearance: 0/5
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I didn’t like the appearance at all; from the posters to the front and the highlights.
When I first saw the poster, it put me off the story. I grasped and thought, ‘Omg, did an actual designer on AFF do this?’ I was shocked then I realized, as I read further, that the poster was done by you. I sighed and face palmed myself. I advise you to change the poster if possible or don’t have a poster at all. There are so many shops that can make high quality posters. If you wanted it similar to that then you can suggest your ideas in the ‘anything else’ box when requesting. I hope you don’t take this offensive but that poster is not up to standards.
I was hoping for the appearance to get better in the forward but I was disappointed. What is up with the different colours? I prefer it, if you stick to black. I know it’s kind of plain but it’s much better than the variety of colours, you used. The front size should remain the same. Ok, you used italics, which is totally cool but italics are used to emphasize on one word.
The way you wrote the word ‘character’ with a background was weird. I started to get a head ache. It would be much nicer and presentable if you made that bold and underline with a black front. Same goes for the names of the characters. Don’t highlight anything! (Unless they are your exam note xD) In the chapters you highlighted the word ‘flash back’ and ‘*’. I was thinking, ‘what the…?’ Why would you do that? To make it stand out? I think it will be much more likable if you kept it plain and simple. For ‘*’, there are different options like ‘-’ or a line that can be created in the text box where you edit your stuff. Seek for help or PM me, if it can’t be found (if you decide to change it).
The picture should, also, be the same size. If you don’t know how to do this then either seek help from your friends or do PM me, I will give you a tutorial.
plot: 6/15
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The plot was ok. I didn’t quite like it. :/!
originality: 9/15
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I have to say, your originality was great. I haven’t read any fanfics that had a similar storyline.
grammar and spelling: 5/20
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Chapter one: I spotted a few spelling mistakes here and there but I believe that was careless. You wrote: ‘suprised’ but it’s surprised; heartwarming but it’s heart-warming or heart warming.
Also, don’t use a comma if you use and. You wrote ‘Both inward, and outward’ but the use of comma isn’t necessary, here since you are using an ‘and’. Another point, when you are exploring a thought or thoughts of a person then it would look much better if you used this (‘) instead of this (*) and put it in bold. ‘"Daehyun-ah!" You waved excitedly to him, realising that he could not spot you far away’, the first sentence seemed a bit off. I would phrase it more like, ‘“Daehyun-ah”, you waved excitedly at him, then realized he couldn’t spot you from far away’. I thought it would make more sense if you used the term ‘at’ instead of ‘to’.
I didn’t understand a few things. One) ‘He made a priceless face that cracked all of you at the park’. I didn’t get it at first but I think you meant to say, ‘He made a priceless face that cracked all of you up, in the park’. I’m not fond of the usage of second term. I would prefer if you used either third or first term. Second term is not used by many popular, real, writers.
Spelling mistakes are spotted in Chapter two as well. I’ve noticed you don’t leave spaces between two words which seem like they are spelt together but aren’t. For example, in chapter two, you said; stoodby but it’s stood by; waterbottle -> water bottle. You get what I mean now?
The use of capital letter, to emphasize on a word, is unnecessary. The reader isn’t blind so just by mentioning he/she shouted is enough.
One of the lines didn’t make quite sense, ‘You facepalmed yourself then slurped on the waterbottle that you slinged on your shoulder.’ After reading it a few times I understood what you were trying to say. I think you should phrase this sentence more like this: ‘You face palmed yourself before slurping on the water bottle that you swinged over your shoulder.
The biggest mistake that you made was on chapter three, this let me down so much, you put a picture instead of describing your room. Don’t ever do that! No. That is not accepted. Oh my gosh, I was so shocked after seeing that. I mean, real writers don’t do that!
Chapter four, this line; You were certainly shocked by his comment and urged him to tell you when was the second kiss; should be phrased more like this, You were certainly shocked by his comment and urged him to tell you when the second kiss was. AND another mistake with grammar was this phrase; ‘"Did you both just came back from a date?" He said.’ It’s supposed to be ‘come’ not ‘came’. I know you didn’t proofread your work, but you should! Judging by the first four chapters, I think you should read through your work before publishing it. It is for the best, trust me.
Don’t make your A/N so long and big. It should be small and sweet. It should just show one to two lines of kindness, not one big paragraph.
flow: 2/10
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After every chapter, I didn’t want to read on. Sorry to say but I actually wanted to stop. Due to your; grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes, the pictures, the font and the colours; I couldn’t read further. Sorry.
characterization: 5/10
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I guess you portrayed the characters quite well. You have a character chart so it’s was ok.
overall enjoyment: 0/10
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I didn’t enjoy it, at all. :/
total: 32/100
reviewer: chiimii
reviewer's notes:
If you need more grammar advice and how to improve your fanfic then do take your time to view these;
1)http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/99224/why-people-hate-your-story-review-you-help-advice-writingtips-rant
2)http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/156375/writing-thoughts-and-tips-writing-you-help-tips-advice-writingtips
3)http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/193906/the-dream-oasis-writing-tips-tutorial-workshop-writing-you-tips-advice-writingtips
These are the top three I could find. Please do check them out. If you need further help then don’t hesitate to PM me xD! I will always be there to help xD!
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reminder:
- credit the shop and the reviewer.
- comment after picking up.
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