Title : 2/5
It’s a good start, but you need something that’s going to jump out and grab a reader’s attention. If I were scrolling through a list of stories, this title definitely wouldn’t have caught my attention. I probably would have glanced right over it. I am never the best when it comes to story titles, but if I were you, I’d think of something exotic; something a little angsty or mysterious. It just seems like this title doesn’t fit with your story; something mysterious does.

Foreword/Description : 1/10

Okay, the foreword grabs my attention slightly. The first sentence, “Having the power to bend water was all too common for Princess Choi Eun Gyul…” would have made me want to at least click on the story to see what came next. It’s got that layer of suspense beneath it, because you know something bad is going to happen during the story. The rest of the foreword is alright, but it’s very confusing to me at times... You said, “As darkness and evil are invading the sacred ‘Infinite Land’, the princess faces more problems when she fell in love with her childhood friend…” You suddenly switched gears there very fast. Explain more about the evil that’s falling over the land. Explain more about the love with her childhood friend.

If I were you, I’d rewrite it like this. “As if the threat of darkness and evil invading their sacred ‘Infinite Land’ wasn’t enough for Eun Gyul, she must face even more problems when she realizes she fell in love with her childhood best friend.” Then, I’d also write a little more about her problems with her love life. You went from having powers and the world being in danger, to love very quickly and then asking how she’d control her powers.

Also, and this goes the same for titles and the first chapter of all stories, you must make it interesting. It has to snag your reader’s attention immediately. If I’m looking through a list of stories again, I am going to read the description first before I even click on the story to read it. If it doesn’t catch my attention immediately then I’m just going to browse right past it again.  

I’ve always had an issue with having Character Bios in a story. It looks extremely unprofessional, plus it takes up space better used with describing your story or introducing us to it. You don’t even need a character bio. It’s completely useless. We can see what the character looks like just fine, thanks to the poster. You don’t need the information about them, because you have to write that in your story. You have to tell us who Ho Won is, who Eun Gyul is, and who Myungsoo is through your writing. You also should tell us about their powers and ages through your writing as well.

Forewords are meant to be short previews of your story. They’re meant to get us interested, like stated above. If I were you, I’d get rid of the Character Bio and replace it with an action-packed fight scene, something that explained more of Eun Gyul’s real personality, or a cliff hanger. That is what’s going to get us wanting to read more.

Appearance : 3/5

The poster isn’t horrible. The background looks nice, until you get to the random red (I think it’s a rose, but I’m not entirely sure) behind the guys. It just doesn’t look right to me. The merge between the water and the bridge looks very neat – but I don’t understand why there’s a bridge there, if it even is one. It looks great, I love it, but I just don’t understand the significance of a bridge being there if this story is based off of Avatar, which is nowhere near modern day. You can see the road and everything.

Plot : 4/15

It seems terribly cliché to me. Basing a fan fiction off of Avatar seems way, way too common. I could totally understand if you wanted to use the bending powers – it’s cool and it’s fun, but you really need to add your own touch to it. If it’s not in the actual world of Avatar, then change things around; give it a personal feel.

Also, the plot is very confusing. So, Eun Gyul suddenly finds out she can control the power and then all the sudden they find out she can control much more than that? Then she is giving a star shaped necklace from a random lady in the woods? You jump around far too quickly for us to understand what’s going on. Take the time to let the plot grow. Obviously something is linking Eun Gyul’s powers and the necklace together, and something bad is going to happen – but go slow. For example, give Eun Gyul the necklace in the first couple chapters of the story, tell us more about her, the prince, the butler, the kingdom, and their powers in the next few chapters and then let the drama unfold.

Originality : 2/15

I’m being generous and not giving you a zero. Stories like this are extremely, extremely common. You’ve added a few personal touches, which is very good, but…this story is just too mainstream. It’s the typical perfect girl who has been arranged to be married to a guy that she doesn’t love, loving her childhood friend and not him.

The whole Avatar thing, like mentioned above, is also very common.

Grammar : 6/20

If you look up Grammar Nazi in the dictionary, you’ll probably find my name. I’ll admit that I’m not perfect and there are a lot of things I do not know concerning grammar, but if I see a story that has horrendous grammar and spelling – I don’t even hesitate to click the little red ‘X’ button in the corner, despite how good the plot maybe.  I didn’t see a lot of spelling errors, but I saw a ton of grammar errors and lots of missed capitalization.

Just one thing I want to point out. I’m very glad that you know your comma rules for quotations, but there’s a tiny problem that’s easily fixable.

You wrote:
              “Good job! One day, you’ll be just like me,” He said, “Well, I’m off to my room to get some rest. Goodnight sweetheart,”

The commas are fine, but here’s the proper way.
             “Good job! One day, you’ll be just like me,” he said, “Well I’m off to my room to get some rest. Goodnight sweetheart.”

You never capitalize the letter after a comma. Also, notice I changed that comma after sweetheart to a period. He finished speaking and it’s the end of the sentence, so you place a comma there.

Plus, while speaking, like in the example listed above, I’d add more descriptive words to give us a better visual of what the character was doing at the time. No one stands stiff as a board while speaking.

Like this for example:
           “Good job!” he cried, clapping his hands in applause for his daughter’s talent. “One day, you’ll be just like me.” Briefly, there was a pause between father and daughter. “Well,” the King finally broke the silence with a sigh, “I’m off to my room to get some rest. Goodnight sweetheart.”

That is much more appealing to read. It also explains the sudden “I’m off to my room to get some rest” comment a little more. Add as much detail to this as you can.

Oh! I have one more thing to add. Occasionally, you have little author’s notes or something in the middle of your writing. It’s extremely unattractive and unnecessary.  

        “How am I supposed to marry him?! You know I hate Prince Ho Won!” the princess shouted as she arrived in the Queen’s (a.k.a her mother) bedroom.

I think we’re all smart enough here to figure out that if Eun Gyul is the princess, then the Queen must certainly be her mother – unless of course she really isn’t, and is actually a step-mother or something. If that is the case, then state that in your writing and not in parenthesis like this.

Characterization : 0/10

I see no personality in anyone but Ho Won and maybe the Queen. You need to introduce us more to your characters individually. Tell us what everyone’s personality is like through his actions or with speaking to others. Right now, they all seem incredibly Mary Sue (perfect in everything, no flaws, always happy etc.)

It is very essential in your writing to give your characters a relatable, unique personality. If we have a character who we can all relate to, it gives us a stronger bond with that character and makes us care for them. That’s the kind of thing you want. You want your readers to feel happy when the character is happy, sad when the character is sad, and so on.

First off, you need to slow down your pace in this story a lot. The plot is moving along so, so quickly. Slow down and introduce us more to every character, maybe even change POVs between Myungsoo, Ho Won, and Eun Gyul just so that we can learn a little more about them and who they are.

You don’t give us enough time to get to know the characters. Right now, the only one who has any real sort of personality at all is Ho Won. He acts like a typical spoiled, cocky prince. The thing that confused me though, is that, in your character description of him, he seems the total opposite. Maybe the story just isn’t far enough along for me to know a lot about him, but he doesn’t seem like he loves her all that much.

The King needs personality. He’s only mentioned a few times, but give him character. It’s boring if you make him the kind of guy who agrees to everything and is always giving his kids everything. Plus, tell us more about him, what he looks like, what kind of man he is.

The brothers – if I wouldn’t have read the character description in the beginning, I would have been very confused. I wouldn’t have known they were her siblings at all. You need to mention that Eun Gyul has brothers, or at least, that those are her brothers when they meet up with her and their father. Also, I’d recommend giving them more of a personality as well. Make them mischievous, or the comic relief or something.

Remember this: The only thing a character description is good for is being a safety net and giving us a visual of what the character looks like. WHILE WRITING THOUGH, YOU HAVE TO PRETEND THAT YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THAT CHARACTER DESCRIPTION. In real books, you don’t have such a thing. You have to give portray each and every character’s personality through your writing. You’re doing well with Ho Won so far. Perhaps make him be a real sweet heart in front of Eun Gyul’s parents, but then have him be that cocky, spoiled, know-it-all prince when around Eun Gyul, but make him have strong feelings for her on the inside? Also, make Eun Gyul different. Don’t let her be one of those Mary Sue OOC characters who are beautiful, smart, strong, and perfect. Give her flaws! Give them all flaws! Also, try to develop all of the character’s powers more while writing. Show us what powers they have and have them show their powers off more with training and the likes.

So basically, to make all this short, give life to your characters. Give them a personality and describe the way they look, talk, act, etc.

Also, one more thing, show us more of the relationship between Myungsoo and Eun Gyul. Plus, explain where Myungsoo disappeared for all those years. Plus, wouldn’t it be awkward for them to suddenly meet one another after so long? And would they really recognize one another that quickly?

Flow : 0/10

As mentioned before, the flow is far too fast. You have to pace stories. You have to walk along beside them and hold their hand.

I was so very confused about everything. You have five chapters, and already so much has happened.  You need to slow down, tell us more about the characters, tell us more about the story itself, and then dive into the good stuff. You’ve had major time skips as well. That can be acceptable, but don’t shift so far into the plot like that.  You go from having her find out about her powers, to receiving the necklace, and then to the scene in the woods between Myungsoo and Eun Gyul in pretty much the same chapter.

You also have something like this:

~A few days later in the Breeze Kingdom~

No. Absolutely no. If you want time to pass, show that in your writing or use ~*~ like you had been doing. That looks a lot better.

Maybe you could say something like this instead: “A few days later found Prince Ho Won sleepless once again. For the past few days, he’d been receiving nightmares…

Overall Enjoyment : 5/10

With lots of improvement, I might read this – cliché plot and everything. Right now though, with all these errors, I would steer clear.  It’s fine to have errors, that’s how we learn, so don’t beat yourself up too hard. It’s a start, just be sure to take my advice about pace and about characterization and also run your story through spell check. One other thing I forgot to mention, but I kind of touched on, is visual. There are absolutely no visual descriptions in this story, and that’s a must. You have to give us some sort of description of the characters and their surroundings, or else you might as well just write dialogue the whole time. It’s not interesting without it.

Anyway, get all that fixed and continue writing! ^^ I want to see what happens next.

Total : 23/100

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