❊ exotic92
` ✼ exotic grounds — reviews gallery
❊ the girl stuck in his memories
title: 3/5
first) it wasn't eye catching for me. i wouldn't have clicked it if i was searching for fics about Kris.
second) I see how you are trying to connect the title with the story. but..i don't think it suits the story that well. I have a few ideas but i won't bring it up for the meantime.
third) I suggest not to use long titles because it doesn't look so good.
foreword and description: 6/10
description:
the quote) I personally think you overused the ellipses ( ... ). May I suggest you write it this way instead?
"I'll become the face he can't forget,the name he can't escape,the girl stuck in his memories."
the description itself) You should add more mystery to it. I felt like you made it all the more predictable for me. Please remove the emoticon in the description,I just think it's inappropriate. I don't see how the line 'Moon Ji Yeon was a sweet and innocent girl..' connects with the description too.
There should be a comma after later.
foreword:
character profiles) i encounter these problems often. Character profiles are NOT for forewords. It simply destroys the essence of mystery to your characters,their persona and their life. As a writer you must know how to show your character's emotions through the story. You must uncover the habits and attitude of the character as your story progresses.
You can use the foreword for an idea of what the story is like or why you wrote the story in the first place.
poster credits) can i suggest that you just hyperlink the poster? so that it can look for nice and clean.
appearance: 4/5
plot: 11/15
plot is ok. it could have been better with unusual/unexpected plot twists though. then again you haven't completed your story yet.
originality: 11/15
like i've said,i've seen this kind of story before. Multiple times may I add.
grammar and spelling: 17/20
grammar) I saw a few grammatical errors.
'taking in a big breath'
it should be 'taking a deep breath'
'As I arrive there, I tell the receptionist my name and she tells me to wait in the lobby.'
it should be, 'When I arrived,I approached the receptionist and told her my name. She instructed me to wait in the lobby after I introduced myself'
If you use,'as i arrive', it means as the character walks into the building,she tells her name as soon as she steps in. In literal sense of course. I just suggest you use 'When I arrive' instead.
I also edit 'I'm a 92-liner.' into 'I was born in 1992.'
I'm just picturing real life situations.
here's another error: 'I hear a familiar and female voice in English'
Also,can you please avoid using LSM when referring to Lee Soo Man?
punctuation) There should be commas in some places like:
'I follow LSM down the hallway,happy that I was able to gain new unnie's and oppa's today.'
I also added apostrophe's there.
spelling) I barely saw any. But I was half asleep when I was reading your story so I apologize.
flow: 7/10
I just think you should have shown how much the female protagonist went through before she was actually set to debut. I feel like I missed a lot on her whereabouts after the breakup. But the flow was fine for me.
characterization: 8/10
I deducted 2 points because of the character profiles. Again,you should be the one sculpting the characters' personas and attitudes throughout the story. Character Profiles just ruinssome of the reader's curiosity
overall enjoyment: 6/10
I didn't enjoy your story that much. It was predictable for me. But since Kris is my bias I gave plus points.
total: 71/100
reviewer: maknae_heerin
notes: So that concludes my review! ouo sorry if i sounded mean >< i'm just reaaaally serious when it comes to reviewing. Good luck on your story and God bless!
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02. use our work for at least a month.
03. comment after picking up.
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