Slave:  Betrayal  [Super  Junior  Version]   

                           by KatyMikayla  

Title: 5/5

It's a very dark title, full of angst that fits the story very well.  

Appearance: 4/5

Your posters and your background fit your story, but the way your text is set up is very minimalist and compared to the posters and background, it looks a little plain.

Foreword/Description: 8/10

As of now, i don't see the event you used in your forward in your story. Usually the forward has a section that is closer to the beginning. If you take it from the end, it might give a little too much away. But other than that, it does give a view on each one of the major characters which was nice.  

Plot: 13/15

Absolutely full of angst (as you said in the forward) and two gripping romances. I was surprised when you put in your story as well. I was expecting mainly Jessica and Sungmin, but then a side story with Eunhyuk and some other girl, but it was actually Donghae. With Jessica as one of the protagonists, it's weird to think of the plot as trying to keep all the other relationships a secrets the plot. You keep the reader at the edge of their seat, wondering if Jessica finds out. The one criticism i have towards your plot is that it's a little predictable. Someone gets hurt, and they can't let Jessica find out, and she doesn't. I understand that she literally *can't* find out in order for this story to go on, but you might want to think about having Jessica having ideas, but then self-denying.  

Originality: 15/15

You put a nice twist to the classic slave and master relationship. You did choose some of the classic personalities for Jessica, Sungmin and Eunhyuk, but what made it original was that you gave a back-story on why their personality was the way it was.  

Grammar/Spelling: 18/20

You had very few grammar mistakes, or at least that i picked up on. Since your story is a chaptered one, it's clear you'll make grammar mistakes at some point. The main mistakes that i picked up on was word order.

At one point, i remember you said "I'm in with love you." Since most of your story was grammatically correct, i thought it was just a typo, but then i realized a few for small word order problems. They're very small mistakes, so if you just paid a bit more attention it should be fine.  

Characterization: 10/10

The characters personalities stay constant throughout the story; Jessica's careful and angelic nature or Eunhyuk's secret dark side stay in character throughout the story.  

Flow: 7/10

The way it changed from person to person a lot made the story a little hard to follow. Sometimes i'll read a chapter and i'll have to constantly remind myself that it's Donghae's pov and not Sungmin's. That was the major thing. The flow between events made was simple and easy to follow.  

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

I'm not a big angst reader, but i enjoyed reading your story. The DonghaexEunhyuk parts were a little hard to get through, but it's overall a good story.

Total: 89/100

Dr3amer's Note: Thank you for requesting a review from me :)  

review by Dr3amer