❊ triana
` ✼ exotic grounds — reviews gallery
❊ le masquerade: the revenge
title: 3.5/5
Interesting and spot-on. One look and it gave me the idea of the nature of the fic. Although to tell you honestly, without the “The Revenge” phrase I would probably think of it as something whimsical and fluffy. Haha.
foreword and description: 8/10
There was effort in making the description short and concise – laying down the principal meanderings of the story while not uncovering the whole thing at the same time. You left sufficient information but you also held back enough to make the readers curious as to what would happen subsequently and the instantaneous effect ultimately landed them onto clicking on the “Next” button and continue reading.
I also appreciated the bit where you explained your title on your Foreword, especially since it was a combination of two languages. Personally I thought of it as a sweet act of reaching out to your readers so as to make them understand “more” the context of your story. The only thing that bothered me was the Character Introduction Section that was enclosed; there was nothing wrong with it, but I didn't really like it although I definitely respected the attempt.
appearance: 3/5
I liked the over-all feel of the poster although I found the five heads there a bit clattered and stuffed. There’s a reason why most shops limit the number of characters to be included in posters to certain numbers. Anyway, over-all it was okay, but at least you could have made the secondary characters (Minho, the girl and Kai) smaller and focused more on the two Taemins.
Comic Sans as a font in general is cool and old school yet I didn’t find it suitable for this fic. You could have opted for a “more serious” font like Arial or Verdana, because to be honest, Comic Sans is, as the name implies, a little comic in my opinion which was a total contrast to the nature of your story.
plot: 11/15
Interesting plot; it had a lot of prospects for evaluation. I could see the potential for addressing issues about family, friendship, the ugly truth about revenge and even teenage love and romance.
There were just things that I found a bit bothering. A) There were a lot of dialogues; B) There were a lot of character introductions that I found very sudden and a bit unnecessary (sorry for the word); and, C) The attempt for transition from one idea (or scene) to another was lousy (I’m so sorry) that I thought it was never effective and just made the plot movement weird, slow and inadequate.
originality: 11/15
This might be entirely a drawback in my part but I hadn't been exposed to fictions that long, but I read enough I guess. Haha. Anyway, so far, I found the story theme unique at a certain level. There were a lot of cliches true, yet I saw how you recreated them in such a way that made them click well with each other to form your plot. The focus of the story (Taemin pretending as a girl) was definitely a driving force into the over-all originality (Revenge by dressing up as a girl was cool and weird at the same time. Haha!) even though I knew this was pretty much already exploited by other writers too.
grammar and spelling: 12/20
You had no issues whatsoever about spelling, good job! You noted that English is not your first language. Thanks for that btw, at least I got a little tip-off about it. I didn’t want to pretend to be the expert and pinpoint your mistakes because I thought that would be out of place (since you didn’t ask for it), so what I did was to make conscious observations about area/s of grammar that you made most slips with. This way, you would have an idea on what to watch out for on your future updates. Please refer to my reviewer’s notes at the end of this review.
flow: 6/10
The first thing I observed while reading was: you had the tendency to use a lot of dialogues. While they were essentially vital fractions of the story, too much of them would saturate your readers, especially if the dialogues did not have major impact on your plot. The over-all effect would be a lot of word clatters and the plot either moving so slowly or not moving at all.
I’m just so sorry to say this but I found your manner of narrating a little detached and resistant in a way. You seemed to take for granted your characters’ reactions and deeper thoughts and only focused on stating the obvious most of the time which often rendered your dialogues and story flow a bit shaky, ineffective and boring even though something was happening (if you get what I mean). Although I’d like to laud your effort into trying to overcome this tendency in the later chapters; I definitely saw the transition and changes. Keep it up. :)
characterization: 6.5/10
I didn’t see any “real” characterization. Aside from the overt information provided, only little grounds were laid down for distinguishing which was which. To say it simply, your characters lacked impact and uniqueness. It was that severe that sometimes I felt if the names were shuffled, no apparent change would be observed. (I observed this on the first half of the story.) But I saw a lot of improvement in later ones. :)
Also, there were a lot of instances where your descriptions contrasted each other. For example, one moment I read something that went “Taemin is a genius” and then after going through the next part I was like “I thought he’s bright?”, and also there was a time when I was sure it was “Hong Taemin” (that was what you wrote on your Char. Des.) but then suddenly it was “Lee Taemin” (his real-life name). Things like that. Somehow there were a lot of inconsistencies and conflicts about your characters and their views about stuff. You wouldn’t want to confuse your readers with contradicting thoughts since it would basically affect their over-all reception to new scenes. Unless you meant them to really change as dictated by the plot, you had to stick with how you built up your characters’ traits in the beginning.
overall enjoyment: 6.5/10
There’s a certain enjoyment I reached while I was reading your story. There were questions and there were occasional smiles. Anyway, there a lot of insensitive comments here I’m so sorry! Please, please don’t take it to heart. I had no intention whatsoever of bringing you down, I just want to help okay. I appreciate the story, really, I understand the effort and all the time you put into making all those chapters and I’m so sorry for being a little strict on this review. I hope you understand. :)
total: 67.5/100
reviewer: threecheers
notes: I had dedicated one whole (long) bullet (and sub-bullets) to Grammar/Spelling since I promised the author I would. Unless otherwise stated, all other bullets were introduced to address other concerns.
- Grammar/Spelling: (I’m so sorry. I tend to be a bit more strict when it comes to grammar, thus the low score.)
o Generally, you had no problem with the basic sentence construction. However, I must call to attention how you always seemed to use pronouns in a very confusing way, in that there was always the “huh, who is this ‘he’ being referred to here?” question lurking in my brain as I read on. It’s true that readers could always rely on the context of the scene for that, but wouldn’t it be better if there was no confusion in the first place so there wouldn’t be any need for pauses and rechecks? I just personally thought these could be distractions for readers and major holes in the smoothness of their sailing ship. Aside from that, there were also a lot of instances where you were not so keen on using pronouns even though the narration called for it. I got it that you wanted to maintain/keep having the pronoun refer to only one person, but sometimes reading names repeatedly told in succeeding manner in every sentence was getting tiresome and…weird (for lack of better term). My suggestion: Try to alternately use pronouns and proper names to establish who among the characters are being considered in your dialogues (especially if there are too many individuals conversing with each other) so you can minimize confusion and weirdness. Haha.
o It seemed that you always forgot to express your nouns in their plural forms. My suggestion: Always recheck your nouns and apply necessary actions from there.
o You always omitted the very simple article “a”. It might be just a single-letter word but it’s also an important aspect of English that most of us take for granted. My suggestion: Try rereading sentences and see if they sound okay with or without the article. Examples: “Kai explained with cold expression.” is better if you put it as “Kai explained with a cold expression.” Same is true with “Laura’s death left big hole in his heart” when read as “Laura’s death left a big hole in his heart.” Wouldn’t you agree? ;)
o Same observation with the article “the”. Examples: “…then joined his friends in {the} dining room,” “Her parents paired her up with {the} son of their colleague.”
o I spotted inconsistencies on your tense usage. Just a teensy few, nothing major. :)
o When using either can/could or will/would, always use the regular present tense of the verb (e.g. could see, will know). Same is true every after using “to” (e.g. to go, to break up).
- There were a lot of instances where you were always inclined into making unnecessary remarks that only repeated the thought of your characters’ actions; you might want to think of other things to include instead of the “obvious”. Why not give way to other prospects? Think of other things that can be included in your narration. Rather than relay stuff in a purely plain and monochromatic way (e.g. “...” he asked. “…” he answered.), why not add your characters’ reactions and emotions when they throw in their lines? Make your readers follow each personality; let them see for themselves through your characters’ actions and thoughts what kind of individuals they are, and how they differ from each other. You’ll never know how more effective this is in terms of drawing attachments and sympathy from readers. Plus, this could also have a chief effect on your characterization especially since thoughts/emotions/sentiments/dreams would also, most likely, be revealed.
- I was oddly bothered by your short sentences. Sure there were moments where the dynamics of the story called for it but it just sort of started growing a little worrisome at some point. Aiming for simplicity was nice, however, there were just a lot of pauses and I almost felt like you were telling things in a detached way whenever. Think of the difference between these two: A) “That watch was so precious to him. Aside from the fact that his watch was made from gold, it had a precious meaning for him. It was a birthday gift from Uncle Yong Jun,” B) “That watch was so precious to him, not just because it was made from gold but it was also a valuable birthday gift from Uncle Yong Jun, whom he really loved.” What did you see?
- This might be just a minor detail but okay, I’d still say it anyway. It might help to provide your readers with marks or indications about the timeline of your scenes. I saw this once in Chapter Two (where you put Bali, Indonesia; 2 years ago) but I didn’t observe anything more even after I was sure it was the present already. I kept repeating this but it wouldn't hurt to give readers enlightenment instead of just letting them assume.
- There were chapters that had “The Previous Chapter:” which I found sweet, I just hope you became consistent with it; they came out for only three/four times.
- I actually had issues about how you tackled the scenes where the teens conversed with older people. I got the idea some of them were only being purely juvenile, yet it seemed to be this case for ALL. Why?
- I saw that you provided the readers certain specks about your characters in the foreword. Rather than rely on your own explicit descriptions, I thought it was better to just leave it to your readers to draw appropriate conclusions about your characters. Just saying.
Other Concerns about the Story (Things I Found Questionable or Confusing):
First chapters always serve as some sort of introductions to a story; hence, they should be effective gluing materials that hold your readers’ interest enough to make them “stick around”. I didn’t find your first chapter captivating at all; except for certain entrances of characters, there was nothing to look forward to on the next update.
The time where Oka told Taemin about Laura’s engagement, what was its significance to the story? The only thing I saw it for was keeping Taemin awake so that he would “be going out and needing air” and ultimately discovering an injured Father Julian. But that’s it?
What was Christian’s role? I didn’t find it anything remotely significant.
The hitmen Iljoon and Yoonshik struck me as unprofessionals. They talked so much for hired killers, they even taunted Taemin which was a dumb mistake; we knew Boy Wonder escaped.
What were the reactions of Laura’s parents to her death? Except for the initial disgust towards Taemin (and orphans in general), there were no other appearances and significance Laura’s father had on the story.
It’s just bothering how Sean just acquiesced so readily to Taemin’s demands for revenge. It was openly told that he thought “Revenge is not the answer,” so why was he just so very quick to say yes? (Especially with Taemin’s wild plan.)
What happened to Oka? Was his existence important on the plot? (I actually had a guess here, hahaha.)
Did Taemin ever finish his Bachelor’s Degree in Economics? There were musings about this yet somehow this was not addressed directly. Not that it had an impressive impact on the plot but yeah, I just found it unsettling. Haha!
From your description, it looked like Taemin just devised a plan about him dressing up as a girl to get his revenge; I saw it as some sort of a forced thing. But then in later chapters, he was actually living up with being a girl with genuineness (although there were times you pointed out he still wasn’t used to it. Quoting: “Though I’m disguising as a girl now, it doesn’t mean I’m a girl, I’m a guy.)! Well, I just found it sudden, inconsistent and weird.
Prior to the chapter where it was revealed that Minho didn’t love Soojung (not one bit) there were no indications that it was this case. The way I absorbed the interaction between the two (in earlier chapters), they seemed to be kicking off well and Minho seemed to like the girl.
Minho obviously liked Taehee yet he kept bringing up Kai and even taunted and about Taehee. Whether unconsciously or not, it just struck me to be a bit…weird?
Taehee was whipped by negative thoughts about Kai when he hadn’t even interacted with him for real. He just thought Kai was like this and like that; and Taemin just kept on acting based only on his assumptions. I wondered if his hatred for Kai’s parents were preceding his judgments (although I remembered he said something about him not having any issues with Kai or something like that).
Taemin seemed to be a little rash on his actions, instead of the expected planner that I saw him as. Another inconsistency?
Regarding with the character introductions, just feel free to brush off everything I said. I figured you probably had your reasons for them. I just hope you could sustain all the character introductions. Let’s not stray far away from the main ones who should be the focus of the story, okay? :)
These were all my honest thoughts about the story in general. They were basically what flowed through me as I read on so pardon me for getting some things wrong. My goal was to give the author a piece of what readers might think of the story, although I didn't, in any way, imply these are absolute truths and whatnots. To reiterate, these were just my notes. Reviews (and grading) might vary from one reviewer to another. Also, I tried to be as realistic/logical as possible with the points I gave.
FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME FOR QUESTIONS AND/OR VIOLENT REACTIONS. I’ll try to explain myself. Thank you and sorry! Have a nice day!
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