Title : 4/5

Short and concise, although I wish it gave a clue on what kind of story it is. After all, I guess this could be a description of an airbag.

Foreword and Description : 9/10

Your few sentences in the description do a good job of luring the reader in. The foreword is really distracting though, with its changing fonts and colors. What do you want me to focus on? Maybe add a little bit more space so it doesn’t look so cluttered.

Appearance : 5/5

Plot : 15/15

I think the story was built up very well. You kept us in the dark, just like how Siwon was kept in the dark, and there’s all this unrest building up inside. Then all of the sudden, it just crashes around us. It’s like a percussion roll, slowly building up in the background, sometimes easing away as if to reassure the audience, but then resulting in a fantastic bang. This probably the best structure you could do with a oneshot.

Originality : 15/15

I think there has nothing written like this before, at least for all of time on AFF. (Which is probably not a whole lot but oh well angst is pretty rare by itself.) And the concept of the airbags…wow. It’s pretty romantic yet deep. I mean, these are stuff that everyone takes granted for in a car (well actually maybe not the people in Asia, I don’t know about the regulations there for car manufacturers-oh dear there I go rambling again) yet you put them in a different light. Maybe another reader would scoff, “Pshh, airbags. What kind of couple would base their love on that?” But to me, even the most important things in the world are based on the most arbitrary object, so there is no way I’m looking at that in a negative way.

Grammar and Spelling : 17/20

“At least we get paid well” said another waitress <- There needs to be a comma after well. After all, it is a sentence, right? The only time you shouldn’t have punctuation is when the content inside the quotation marks is only a word or a phrase that has a different meaning than without the quotation marks. I think you know what I mean without all of that info. 

“Exactly, a job is a job.” this time it was <- This should be capitalized. After all, what you wrote in quotation marks is a complete sentence. I think you write online, but perhaps use a word processor? MS Word automatically corrected me when I tried to copy your mistake. That way you don’t have to worry about it.

“Right this way sir.” Okay, I know this would sound correct when you SAY it, but it didn’t look right to me. Turns out you need commas for direct address. Like “Here’s the door, Tom.” Now, I know people say “Hi Rachel!” and stuff like that without using a comma, but that’s informal and technically incorrect. In your case, you used “sir”, so I think you should use the comma.

“He reach out to her suddenly” *reached, because your whole story so far has been in past tense.

“The man looked agitated as he moved in closer.” Is “agitated” really the word you’re looking for? I think you want to say he looked like he was brooding, dangerous or something. But agitated means worried. Like you’re scared of a worried man? Makes no sense to me.

“Whatever I just hope…” I think there should be a comma after whatever, otherwise it sounds like a runon sentence.

“Do you think I could my mom?” *call

“‘Shut up,’ she sneered.” Are you sure sneer is the right word? It has a lot of negative connotation, they’re a married couple. 

“In the painful silence only Siwon’s cries…” You need commas after prepositional phrases if they start a sentence I think…it looks like that Purdue agrees with me. 

I think the problem in your grammar and spelling that was most consistent was your use of punctuation. Some of it can be solved by spellcheck from a good word processor. Honestly, I caught some of those mistakes probably because I’ve gained a feel on what’s acceptable punctuation by reading a lot of great edited novels. Maybe reading and getting that instinct helps, or you learn about it in English class, but it does stand out after you notice it. I’m being really picky, but these are small stuff that some readers pick out.

I had no complaints with your spelling and I LOVED the way you tried to spice up your vocabulary. Like suave and boxed. At times I felt like you didn’t exactly know what you were saying, like with “agitated” and “sneered”. Keep up with the variety, but be careful, you don’t want to set the wrong mood because you’re trying to make the story more diverse. (Thesaurus perhaps?)

Flow : 9/10

The transition to the dream was quite disturbing. Perhaps you wanted it to be that abrupt to add to the haunting feeling, but I still feel like there could have been a better transition. However, all the other sections were great.

Characterization : 7/10 

I know you’re writing in third person, so it’s very hard to show the inner thoughts of the characters this way. However, couldn’t have you shown more dedication and affection between Siwon and Isabel? Okay, they’ve been married for one year, MAYBE things have cooled down-but you did mention in the beginning they were “newly-weds”. I know this is supposed to angsty and tragic, but a tragedy is more profound when there was so much happiness in the beginning before the event occurred. I think you need to show more affection between Siwon and Isabel and just emphasize how important they are to each other throughout the story, not just the ending. Maybe you could have revealed some thoughts from Isabel, like was she thinking about Siwon when that strange man started approaching her in the restaurant? The couple seemed somewhat fake because you’re not revealing the relationship to us. I really expect more feelings and sides since you didn’t state that Siwon and Isabel were reserved. (Unless you did, then I apologize :3)

Overall Enjoyment : 9/10

I loved this story in the depth, but it’s not completely there. Right now, it’s waving in front of my screen, entrancing me. What you want is for it to leap at me and embrace me tightly, leaving me breathless when it finally lets go of me. The grammar, well, not everyone is perfect. And honestly, a fast reader like me would probably miss it the first time around. Instead, we are looking for the feelings, the message behind the story, something that we’ll probably carry around in our hearts in our lives forever subconsciously. You’re almost there, you just need to make the characters more relatable. 

Total : 90/100

Reviewer's notes : Just in case you don’t believe in my argument about the commas when using names, here’s the link I got my proof from: http://www.grammarerrors.com/punctuation/commas-in-direct-address/. It’s stupid, I know, plus the author sounds like a cranky parent, but it gives your story that edited edge, you know?

And please, trying using Word. AFF may have spellchecker, but its reliability isn’t enough. Sometimes it even tries to correct my writing because of my weird keyboard input. 

Thanks for requesting a review from me again! ^_^

---

E.G.'s notes!

hi! i'm E.G.! i'm here to remind you of crediting the shop and the reviewer. i'll keep an eye on your stories! /mehrong

thanks for requesting! :)