「review」┋Queensabelle
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by Queensabelle
Title: 3/5
It's a very cliché title, and since your story isn't completed yet, I can't judge if it completely fits or not.
“Her face was all bright up like she was going to burst out something really, really excited.”
EDITED: “Her face was all lit up like she was going to burst out something really, really exciting.”
Here, it’s a misuse of adjectives (bright up vs. lit up) and the wrong participle. (excited vs. exciting)
“They’re quite popular nowdays that’s why many girls fall for them.”
EDITED: “They’re quite popular nowadays, that’s why many girls fall for them.”
You made a spelling mistake, but what I’m focusing on is the result clause. When you use a result clause, you always need to put a comma before you start one.
“Serene’s mom look up from her cooking.”
EDITED: “Serene’s mom looked up from her cooking.” OR “Serene’s mom looks up from her cooking.”
Verb forms. I picked up on quite a few wrong verb forms. I couldn’t decide whether or not you were going to write this in present tense or past tense but a lot of your verbs didn’t have the “s” or “-ed” when it needed it.
“…why doesn’t the stewardess help? / One thing, because they were busying admiring the Positive Band.”
EDITED: “…why doesn’t the stewardess help? / One reason, because she was busy admiring the Positive Band.”
Depending on the subject, you need to change your pronoun. The pronoun always has to be the same number as the antecedent. “Reason” is a much better word to use because you had the word “why” in your sentence.
I picked out a few big problems I saw throughout the first two chapters. Overall, I would say to work on verb forms and pronoun-antecedent agreement.
Flow: 6/10
I felt that some of your events were really random and out-of-the-blue. When she received the letter that said she needed to go back to Korea, she was just in a happy conversation with her friends. This also has to do with foreshadowing. If a bad event if going to happen, often times authors will sneak in something that implies what happens next isn’t going to be very position. Usually it’s fog or nighttime, but in a fanfic, it could be as simple as dropping something on the way home.
Characterization: 10/10
You had a very clear image of your characters in your head. The way each character talked and behaved fit their description well. But next time, you shouldn’t be too specific about their character traits. From the way you write, the reader and easily pick up who’s the slow one and who’s the funny one.
Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
You’re story is really cute and fun to read, but your grammar made it a little difficult to understand at points. A few times, I felt it was a little… forced. It could just be me, but the ways some things are set up just don’t fit. For a girl who’s rude, it wouldn’t make sense for her to have that many friends on facebook.
Total: 68/100
dr3amer's note: Having Korean phrases in your story may not be a very good choice, especially if English isn’t your first language. Even though many readers on asianfanfics have a good amount of Korean words in their vocabulary, many don’t. As for me, I have no idea what “sonyeo” means. Putting Malay in your story is a little awkward, since you are writing about Korean idols. I understand that this is your first fanfic, and that you’re still new to this. Thank you for picking me as your reviewer!
reviewed by dr3amer
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