❊ INFINITEaddict193
` ✼ exotic grounds — reviews gallery
❊ you are my melody
title: 3/5
I suppose the title does have some relation to the story, especially in the last part. But apart from that and the fact that the Hyumi and Myungsoo are both musically inclined, there’s nothing special about it.
foreword and description: 6/10
Description (3.5/5): Giving their first encounter’s premise is a nice touch, thanks for that. I also like the bit where you left questions at the end – it’s an effective way of “luring” readers into reading the actual story. There are just few inconsistencies in your tense usage but over-all, it’s fine.
Foreword (2.5/5): I know it’s in the author’s discretion what to put in the Foreword or not. And I’m so sorry for being so stuck-up and all but I just find this section lacking in that there’s nothing incorporated here but a little background of how the fic has originated. It is nice to tell readers minute things like this, but I think it will be nicer if you have actually included a small “foreword” (as in an intro of some sort) of the story itself. If you find your grade here unreasonable, then I’m deeply sorry.
appearance: 4.5/5
Poster: Nice poster! It is simple, the color and hue are so refreshing, it doesn’t strain the eyes and for some reason I feel like the sun is shining when I look at it (even though your setting is in snow or something). Hahaha! Oh and yes, I also appreciate the musical stuff you included.
Presentation: The font is standard and readable and the general look is neat. Approved!
plot: 13/15
Nice plot. I recognize evaluations for love, first impressions and torn feelings. This is like a direct route to that line in Barry Manilow’s song: we had the right love at the wrong time. Sad yes, but in order for love to take effect and bring that happily-ever-after ending, the timing should ALWAYS be right.
originality: 9/15
Let’s admit it, this is a somewhat clichéd story. Disregarding the bit where there’s music involved, it’s still something generic. I’m trying to find some kind of a twist – there’s a minor one – but it’s not enough to uplift the whole thing. Or is this just me?
grammar and spelling: 13/20
I have no issues with your spelling; your over-all sentence construction is fine. The only thing that somewhat distracts me is your tendency to have so many descriptions separated by commas. I mean there are just a lot of awkward sentences with LOTS of commas. You can opt to use interjections you know, or you can just chop off the independent clause and make it another (individual) sentence. Moreover, you also use commas in a misplaced sense.
flow: 6/10
I get it that this is a one-shot and that things are “supposed” to progress in a fast pace but it’s just too fast in your case. There are so many instances where I don’t really agree with your transitions. The sentiments of your characters are not well-expressed, which generally taints how your flow moves because it hasn’t appeared continuous and smooth. The leaks here and there are the chief drawbacks. Oh and yeah, there are also instances where I sort of get perplexed as to whose POV is whose, like one moment I know for sure it’s Hyumi’s based on the narration but then suddenly it’s Suzy’s thoughts that are being presented. Something like that.
characterization: 6.5/10
The only one I like reading about here is Woohyun, which is like whuuttt? He’s appeared in the story as just a minor character and you get it, it shouldn’t be him that I’m fond of (he’s not even my bias). It should be your protagonists because they’re the ones carrying most of the weight of the story. Unfortunately, there are so many major inconsistencies that arise as regards to them. For example, Myungsoo appears to be interested when Hyumi says she’s visited the shop because she wants to have a new guitar but when Woohyun orders him to go and assist her, Myungsoo is like “why me?” with a groan. Also, I thought that they are shy to each other but then suddenly, they aren’t anymore. Or maybe I wasn’t just able to keep up with your transitions?
In simple terms, I don’t see any “real” characterization going on. Maybe the attempt is there, but it needs to be further elaborated. Perhaps you can work on this on the sequel. :)
overall enjoyment: 7/10
I enjoyed it alright but I just wish things are tackled with more “smoothness”.
total: 68/100
reviewer: threecheers
notes: Sorry if you get this y aura from me while you’re reading this review. No demeaning effect intended, I swear. I’m just sharing my honest thoughts. Well, more like ideas on the story but remember that they don’t speak for everyone. Again, these are just my thoughts; they aren’t absolute truths.
Overall (or mostly plot) Observations:
Your introduction is weak and the scene you chose, while it has “some” effect intended to enlighten, is not just engaging.
The attempt for imagery is there but the constancy of descriptions are not kept up so I find some scenes very vividly defined and some are left bare and .
Hyumi is excited to buy her new guitar, yes? She even thinks of what kind of guitar she will get. Does she have a certain shop in mind while she is walking to the bus stop (after all, she has been saving up) or she’s just starting to “canvass”? Somehow the basis of what has actually “enticed” her to settle for the small shop is blurry. The wind just blows and swish, she’s just suddenly decided that she will get her guitar from there.
I assume that Myungsoo is a staff at the shop so isn’t he supposed to greet and act friendly towards Hyumi when he’s seen her because for one, she’s a customer? It’s just a bit off that it’s still Woohyun (from the backroom) who has to greet her when Myungsoo is already practically there sitting on the counter.
So what has really attracted Hyumi to Myungsoo, the music he’s playing or his face/eyes?
I think this is more like a side of me but are introductions really necessary at an instance where a customer buys something on your shop? As in enough for Woohyun to “scold” Myungsoo?
Wait, I thought the shop is small? But the way you portrayed the scene where Myungsoo assits Hyumi has sort of given me the idea of them skimming through isles, which is weird especially when Woohyun goes all tease-y when Hyumi is paying. Which prompts me to ask, why is Woohyun even teasing them? He knows Myungsoo has a girlfriend anyway. That’s just so tactless.
Also, I find that take-her-home a bit unexpected and abrupt too. It’s Hyumi’s first time there in the first place so she isn’t exactly friends Woohyun and Myungsoo.
There is just no proper build-up for the characters’ feelings that leads them to the “feels” they have later that night. Sure they have that snow-slide and the exchange of music sheets but I just find this part lacking. And yes, I’m meaning to also point this out: why the sudden music sharing? It’s just too soon.
That night, Hyumi has sort of resolved that she’s going to the shop so it’s like a conflicting thing why she has to ask herself “why is she there again” the next day.
The last scene is awkward. Not just because of the tension in the air but it’s just over-all awkward for me. Myungsoo is thinking of Hyumi the night prior yes, but it’s such a waste how his thoughts and emotions are not explored when he sees her with his girlfriend. Also, Woohyun sees Hyumi’s distraught but the way he greets him sort of strikes me as something indifferent. Sure he doesn’t want her to break down and all but it’s just a little apathetic for my taste.
Why is Myungsoo feeling guilty? Sorry, this may seem like a dumb question but yeah, I think it requires proper explanation.
In my opinion, it’s just too soon to call it “love”.
Uhm, this is practically all I can say. No grammar stuff pointed out because seriously, I don’t really see that as something very nice to do (I can if you ask me though) with all the stuck-up-ness that comes with it. Anyway, again, I’m so sorry if you find this review lacking. Feel free to message me for questions or rants and I’ll gladly message back to answer and explain myself. Thank you for requesting from this shop and good luck on the sequel! :) threecheers
reminders:
01. don't forget to credit us. :)
02. use our work for at least a month.
03. comment after picking up.
04. like the review? upvote us now!
Comments