b r i d e d e j u n p e i m i }
` ✼ exotic grounds — reviews gallery
BridedeJunpeiMi
Title: 3/5
It fits the story. The problem is though, it’s too generic. I understand that you were trying to make it more creative, but it truly is quite boring and plain—more descriptive words and/or words that hint at what the story is about but doesn’t tell would be better (also—you haven’t described that much about Baekhyun, so I’m not quite sure that the title would be very fitting).
Foreword/Description: 7/10
Confusing. For the second paragraph, I liked how you used short sentences; it makes it interesting to read. However, it became more confusing after a while, especially during the sentences after “Once, a very long time ago, they were one. They were joyous and free. There were no sorrows and no fears.” Since this sentence is difficult to understand, I would combine it all into one longer sentence: “However once, a very long time ago, they were one. They were joyous and free, and there were no sorrows or fears.”
In addition, I felt that the way you started off introducing Baekhyun was structured nicely—“Baekhyun was an ordinary boy lost in the darkness” and etc. But right after you were done describing him pulling the lever, you went to talking about two kingdoms, then you talk about fate, and lastly to Father Zen. Personally, I feel that you’re skipping around too much. It is difficult to squeeze all these ideas into a description without revealing too much, and since you have so many ideas already, you should easily be able to delete one of those paragraphs. Or, just connect all of the ideas more so that Baekhyun pulling the lever somehow leads to those two kingdoms and the two kingdoms are suddenly impacted by fate, and etc.
Appearance: 5/5
I love the blending and textures of the poster, as well as the layout of the story and foreword (the pictures and quote at the beginning of each chapter was nice). The dark color scheme and fonts used were nice as well.
Plot: 14.5/15
Your plot is intriguing. I like how you invented the idea of Father Zen being the superior authority, and the Directum and Imperium (good job coming up with that idea; it was very creative). I don’t like—even though there was only a little—the romance between Chanyeol and Baekhyun; it just felt a little cliché to me. But overall, great job with the plot; I’m looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Originality: 14.5/15
It’s quite original. I love the idea of there being two separate worlds, and the fact that it’s angst-y and enigmatic leaves me fervent, and eager to read on. Chapter six was a little too cliché for my taste—personally, I don’t like characters recalling memories of each other because often, romance is incorporated, and in this case, the original angst-y feel of the story was gone, which I disliked.
Grammar/Spelling: 15/20
Something you need to avoid doing when writing fan fictions is switching the point of view, or indicating the point of view (e.g. “Narrator’s P.O.V.” or “Chanyeol’s P.O.V.”). You only did this once, but I still think you should keep this in mind—indicating the point of view is completely unnecessary. You want to show the reader—show who’s talking, show what the character is doing, show what the character is feeling; show show show.
In addition, this one sentence leaves me confused—“6 years ago, today, our prince Baekhyun disappeared.” What are you trying to say? Are you trying to say that 6 years ago, prince Baekhyun disappeared, or that prince Baekhyun disappeared today? You’ll definitely need to get rid of one of those dates, because “6 years ago” is a completely different time from “today” (from the prologue).
Also, you misuse “none” and “no one” in this sentence: “’None shall refute this declaration.’” The word “none” is most often used for plural nouns, however, because you are (and using “none” for this sentence is incorrect) dealing with an indefinite pronoun, which is “no one”, and “no one” is singular, the correct sentence should be, “No one shall refute this declaration.”
Another thing to avoid doing—you were writing in third person—so stick to third person. Don’t switch. It’s very, very irritating to read, because then the story is all over the place, and I easily become confused about who’s speaking. Altogether, when you’re writing essays and book reports and narratives and even fan fictions, you should avoid using “you”/ second person (using “you” actually shows that the writer’s writing is weak). Stick to first or third. Please. (from the beginning of chapter 3).
From then on, there are only little mistakes (by the way, chapter four was written beautifully; I love the description and it’s so easy to visualize the scene)—“Gulping down the anxiety, he strode forward, aware of that Chanyeol would see his reflection in the rosy fog” (from chapter four). You probably mistyped this sentence, and meant to say “[…] aware of the fact that Chanyeol” and etc. In addition, the word “rosy” would not be the best choice of words for fog, since “rosy” means a pinkish color, blushed, or promising, and I’m quite sure that’s not the definition you intended to have. A better word would be cloudy, obscure, hazy, misty; all of these basically mean unclear, cloudy, and difficult to see. There was also a little typo—“The thought og Baekhyun—” (from chapter six), which should be, “The thought of Baekhyun.”
Another little mistake with singular and plural verbs—“All that was left in his hospital room was the remnants of the bloody bandages that were just on his bleeding arm” (from chapter five). Since “remnants” and “bloody bandages” are plural, “was” should be “were.” The correct sentence should be, “All that was left in his hospital room were the remnants of the bloody bandages that were just on his bleeding arm.”
And a little spelling error—“Staring into the haze of reminisences” (from chapter six). The correct sentence should be, “Staring into the haze of reminiscences” (those “c’s” sure are tricky).
In addition, this one sentence leaves me confused—“6 years ago, today, our prince Baekhyun disappeared.” What are you trying to say? Are you trying to say that 6 years ago, prince Baekhyun disappeared, or that prince Baekhyun disappeared today? You’ll definitely need to get rid of one of those dates, because “6 years ago” is a completely different time from “today” (from the prologue).
Also, you misuse “none” and “no one” in this sentence: “’None shall refute this declaration.’” The word “none” is most often used for plural nouns, however, because you are (and using “none” for this sentence is incorrect) dealing with an indefinite pronoun, which is “no one”, and “no one” is singular, the correct sentence should be, “No one shall refute this declaration.”
Another thing to avoid doing—you were writing in third person—so stick to third person. Don’t switch. It’s very, very irritating to read, because then the story is all over the place, and I easily become confused about who’s speaking. Altogether, when you’re writing essays and book reports and narratives and even fan fictions, you should avoid using “you”/ second person (using “you” actually shows that the writer’s writing is weak). Stick to first or third. Please. (from the beginning of chapter 3).
From then on, there are only little mistakes (by the way, chapter four was written beautifully; I love the description and it’s so easy to visualize the scene)—“Gulping down the anxiety, he strode forward, aware of that Chanyeol would see his reflection in the rosy fog” (from chapter four). You probably mistyped this sentence, and meant to say “[…] aware of the fact that Chanyeol” and etc. In addition, the word “rosy” would not be the best choice of words for fog, since “rosy” means a pinkish color, blushed, or promising, and I’m quite sure that’s not the definition you intended to have. A better word would be cloudy, obscure, hazy, misty; all of these basically mean unclear, cloudy, and difficult to see. There was also a little typo—“The thought og Baekhyun—” (from chapter six), which should be, “The thought of Baekhyun.”
Another little mistake with singular and plural verbs—“All that was left in his hospital room was the remnants of the bloody bandages that were just on his bleeding arm” (from chapter five). Since “remnants” and “bloody bandages” are plural, “was” should be “were.” The correct sentence should be, “All that was left in his hospital room were the remnants of the bloody bandages that were just on his bleeding arm.”
And a little spelling error—“Staring into the haze of reminisences” (from chapter six). The correct sentence should be, “Staring into the haze of reminiscences” (those “c’s” sure are tricky).
Flow: 8/10
Although the description in chapter four was nice, I didn’t like that you switched scenes from one character to another. In the first chapters, you mainly focused on one scene, and I felt that switching scenes in chapter four somewhat messed up this “routine”.
In addition, the scenes written in the beginning of chapter six were simple, descriptive, and interesting to read. However, although I understand that you wanted the scenes to be mysterious and enigmatic, it just seemed all too random. It doesn’t hinder the reader from not understanding anything though, so if you want to place it in a different place of the story, or make the scenes a different chapter, it might help more.
Lastly, in chapter six, the introduction of Kyungsoo was too sudden. I had to read it a second time—it was mainly the last sentence—since you were introducing a new character, I understand that it was a bit difficult, but you wrote it in one short sentence, and it didn’t feel like enough. Introducing a new character—and the revealing the name too—right at the end of the chapter is something you should try avoiding.
Characterization: 8/10
(I wasn’t sure where to put this, so I’ll place it here).
Why. Why must you dedicate a whole chapter to describing the characters’ personalities? This is what the reader has to find out themselves; you just need to write, describe, and show the personalities. You have to show and not tell; describe. Otherwise, what’s the fun in even reading your story?
Other than that, I found the characters’ personalities very intriguing (I only read the character description for Baekhyun). You describe the relationship of servant and master between Jongin and Chanyeol very well; I love how you indirectly describe and show the bit of tension they have.
Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I’m personally not a very big fan of Baekyeol, but the plot, the characters’ personalities, and your descriptive style of writing made the story interesting to read. Great job.
Total: 83
reviewer: YGFamily97
notes: so sorry for taking so long; hope this helps ; ;
remember: comment after picking up! :)
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