p i e r r e }
` ✼ exotic grounds — reviews gallery
Pierre
Title: 3/5
You get points for the shock factor, but there are a couple ways this can backfire on you. First, this gives away that there will be mpreg, which is a turnoff to some readers (though the mpreg in this story is very downplayed). Second, it erases the need for the first few chapters, during which the reader will probably be bored because she already knows what's going to happen.
Foreword/Description: 7/10
The format is a bit loud for me with all the different fonts, but otherwise it's pleasing to the eye. The description does a good job of summarizing the concept of the story, which is often what readers are looking for. But again, you run the risk of boring your readers during the beginning of the story. What I would do instead of summarizing the plot, is summarize the genre/themes of the story. This way, the reader won't be expecting angst when the story is really fluff, but she still has motivation to read the first few chapters (more than a few chapters in your case). I know you mentioned that there might be grammar issues, but tense changes and capitalization errors in the description don't exactly entice a reader into continuing the story. I would suggest being extra careful while writing your description/foreword because it's so important, and besides it's not that long anyway.
Appearance: 4/5
As I mentioned before, the different fonts and colors are a bit loud for me. Otherwise, the story layout is very clean and the poster and background are very pretty. I wasn't a fan of the second layout though. I preferred your first one.
Plot: 12/15
I think you did a good job keeping the story on track. But I think that the scenes with Krystal were unnecessary because the story is about Yoomi trying to save her planet. It’s not really about the ups and downs of a relationship. I also think that the pacing could have been a bit slower; I felt that a lot was happening at once. Perhaps you could have replaced the scenes with Krystal with more development of Sehun’s pregnancy, instead of characterizing it with the traditional pampering and mood swings.
Originality: 12/15
I think it’s very original for a girl to get a guy pregnant, and for that reason it’s a story that will stick in my head. The plot did take some unoriginal turns though, mainly in the forms of Kai and Krystal, the description of the pregnancy, and the happy ending. Because of those plot turns, a lot of the humor was used already and I didn’t find it as funny as it could have been. I discuss this later, but I think you should update less often so you get a better feel for the story and you get more ideas for more original plot turns.
Grammar/Spelling: 11/20
Tense is a big issue for this story and it's very off-putting because the errors are quite frequent, though they got better towards the end of the story. You need to decide if you're using present tense or past tense, and then stick with that throughout the story. For example, take the first sentence of chapter one: "As I walk in the streets, I saw mourning people because of they have lost their family, some are covered with blood." The first verb, walk, is in the present tense, implying that the rest of the story will be in present tense. However, the next verb, saw, is in the past tense. Not only does this sound jarring to the ear, but it also confuses the reader. You can fix this by either changing all past tense verbs to present or all present tense verbs to past, but you must be consistent. It's possible that you were trying to do some sort of flashback thing and that's why the tenses are off, but if so there wasn't enough indication to the reader, so I just ended up confused. I realize that English grammar isn’t your strong suit, but it makes the story much more appealing if you take the time to find a beta reader or learn how to correctly switch tenses. Other issues included capitalization and dialogue/thoughts but tense is what stood out for me the most. I can point out some examples if you’d like; just PM me.
Flow: 5/10
The pacing of this story was altogether too fast for me. It seems unrealistic that Yoomi would recover from the death of both her parents within minutes of learning the news, then immediately set off for a distant planet where she proceeds to have with a complete stranger in only a few days. I noticed that you uploaded this story relatively quickly, sometimes with multiple updates in a single day, and I would advise sitting on a chapter for a while and thinking about it before uploading, no matter how much you want to update. It will probably give you more ideas about the story. Also, if your updates are less frequent, your readers will not expect rapid updates, giving you more time to write and overcome writer’s block (if you hit it). As for the flow of the sentences, I think your writing would be a lot smoother if you varied your sentence structure more. I won’t go into more detail because I know you’re not a native English speaker, but you can look into that if you want.
Characterization: 7/10
I don’t think characterization was a big issue for this story, considering that it focuses mostly on plot developments. However, I wasn’t satisfied with Yoomi’s characterization at all because she seemed to alternate between bubbly, wise, sad, and innocent. The treatment of her parents’ deaths as well as her willingness to suddenly have with someone she barely knows isn’t realistic enough for me, even if she comes from a different planet. The other characters seemed fine, though there wasn’t much elaboration on them.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
This story was cute, though I think in part because EXO is my main group. I found that I wasn’t getting what I had bargained for from the title--Sehun doesn’t become pregnant until almost three quarters through the story. I also found some of the language awkward, such as the frequent, inexplicable references to Greek gods and the insistence on calling “making love” despite it not fitting into the context. Otherwise, the plot was cute and the true value of the story lies not in the execution but in the consequences of the storyline for the reader. The idea of a girl sacrificing one of her most valuable possessions--her ity--in order to save what she loves is innately romantic. I realize that EXO’s concept is outer space, but I think the story would have been improved if Yoomi had come from an alternate dimension or universe instead of another planet. It’s strange to think of aliens as looking exactly the same as us, but it’s not so odd for humans to live in another world close to ours (think Narnia). I also thought that there was a lot of potential for drama and character development (i.e. Yoomi’s fiance) that went overlooked. I do understand that it’s not that kind of story, though
Total: 66
reviewer: insertnamehere1
notes: Sorry if you wanted more feedback on plot or originality. I’m generally not the kind of person that reads for that kind of thing, but I can look into it more if you ask. (Also I was a little distracted by EXO’s comeback announcement. Ahem.) If you have any questions about anything else I said, PM me and I’ll be glad to answer them. :)
remember: comment after picking up! :)
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