「review」┋Cindychiem98
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murder
by cindychiem98
Title : 5/5
The murder is short yet it gives a lot of impact to me, and possibly other readers as well. It summarizes the story well too!
Foreword and Description : 5/10
The description looks fine to me, except for a few grammar mistakes. Let me just correct them for you!
...When the lies and truth are mixed up together, who will you believe?
...Yi Fan is willing to do anything to protect her, and Yongguk wants to save her from her own trap. Who will win her heart and trust? Find out in the upcoming chapter of "Murder!"
Also, when you introduced the characters with the posters, the heading should be "Starring" and not "Starting". They're two very different meanings so do take note :)
...When the lies and truth are mixed up together, who will you believe?
...Yi Fan is willing to do anything to protect her, and Yongguk wants to save her from her own trap. Who will win her heart and trust? Find out in the upcoming chapter of "Murder!"
Also, when you introduced the characters with the posters, the heading should be "Starring" and not "Starting". They're two very different meanings so do take note :)
Appearance : 5/5
Appearance is really super beautiful. It relates to the story, which is murder, of course. Red, the color of blood, combined with black. A great choice of colors! The posters are also pretty and it fits your genre.
Plot : 10/15
The plot, I admit, is very intriguing! I like how you make Sulli (who is supposedly innocent because damn, look at that face) a murderer! But it's weird though. Was Sulli just so obsessed with Chanyeol to make her get all depressed like that or...? Because from what I read, the only clue I get from their relationship is that they only lasted five months, judging from the ring that Chanyeol returned to Sulli. Which brings me to this question, "Why is she so affected and traumatized when the relationship was only five months long?" Of course, I could be wrong. You might want to elaborate further on their relationship in the past so that it will have more impact towards your readers. I'm sure your readers will also appreciate learning more about their relationship!
Oh and, Kris must really love her that much to just ignore her murder, considering how he is supposed to be a police officer (from what I'm assuming his job is). You might want to elaborate more on Kris's feelings too, like how he longs for her and how much he truly loves her etc.
Otherwise, it's a good plot!
Oh and, Kris must really love her that much to just ignore her murder, considering how he is supposed to be a police officer (from what I'm assuming his job is). You might want to elaborate more on Kris's feelings too, like how he longs for her and how much he truly loves her etc.
Otherwise, it's a good plot!
Originality : 13/15
Well there are a few murder fictions going around, but it seems pretty original to me so there's that!
Grammar and Spelling : 9/20
Ah this... I'll be a little lenient considering how English is not your first language.
Though, I am utterly disturbed at the lack of fullstops (/./) that you have! For example, in your first chapter, at the very first line of the story, it says,
"Take him away" Nodded a young police chief by the name of Bang Yongguk to the other polices
No, I did not make any typo there. You literally wrote that out. Anyway, here's how the sentence can be improved.
"Take him away," A young police chief by the name of Bang Yongguk nodded to the other police officers.
Take note of the missing fullstops at the end of your sentence and the missing punctuation in your dialogues! I notice that in your dialogues, you only put in ("?") and ("!") at the end of every dialogue. If the dialogue does not have either of those, you simply leave it blank and just end it off with (/"/). It's grammatically wrong!
Here's another example from chapter 1. You wrote,
"I hate this" She took out the biggest...
The correct version should be,
"I hate this," she took the biggest...
Like I said, take note of the punctuation! Oh and after every dialogue, unless it's a name or a place etc, if you want to write "he" or "she", it should always be a small letter. Not a "He" or "She". Do take note!
There are spelling errors as well. In your second line, you wrote,
-He sighed and ran his hair through his dark bond hair.
Bond hair? What's that? It should be "blonde" with an "l" and an "e" in it.
Also, do take note of your grammar mistakes. If you're writing the story in past tense, make sure you stick with it. Do not suddenly change into present tense in between your sentences. It isn't nice to read, to be honest.
Though, I am utterly disturbed at the lack of fullstops (/./) that you have! For example, in your first chapter, at the very first line of the story, it says,
"Take him away" Nodded a young police chief by the name of Bang Yongguk to the other polices
No, I did not make any typo there. You literally wrote that out. Anyway, here's how the sentence can be improved.
"Take him away," A young police chief by the name of Bang Yongguk nodded to the other police officers.
Take note of the missing fullstops at the end of your sentence and the missing punctuation in your dialogues! I notice that in your dialogues, you only put in ("?") and ("!") at the end of every dialogue. If the dialogue does not have either of those, you simply leave it blank and just end it off with (/"/). It's grammatically wrong!
Here's another example from chapter 1. You wrote,
"I hate this" She took out the biggest...
The correct version should be,
"I hate this," she took the biggest...
Like I said, take note of the punctuation! Oh and after every dialogue, unless it's a name or a place etc, if you want to write "he" or "she", it should always be a small letter. Not a "He" or "She". Do take note!
There are spelling errors as well. In your second line, you wrote,
-He sighed and ran his hair through his dark bond hair.
Bond hair? What's that? It should be "blonde" with an "l" and an "e" in it.
Also, do take note of your grammar mistakes. If you're writing the story in past tense, make sure you stick with it. Do not suddenly change into present tense in between your sentences. It isn't nice to read, to be honest.
Flow : 8/10
The flow is acceptable. It isn't too fast, nor is it too slow. I like how you take your time to let the scenes unfold.
Characterization : 6/10
Characterization is fine, though you might want to express your characters a little bit more. For example, you could describe Kris's tall figure, his slim body, handsome face... the list goes on and on.
Overall Enjoyment : 9/10
I really do enjoyed reading your story. The grammar might have thrown me off, but the plot is still very intriguing. Just take note of your grammar and spelling and everything will be fine! Good luck!
Total : 70/100
Review's Note. Let me leave you with this quote, Cindy! "Practice makes perfect,"
reviewed by NIHAO_
E.G.'s notes!
hi! i'm E.G.! i'm here to remind you of crediting the shop and the reviewer. i'll keep an eye on your stories! /mehrong
thanks for requesting! :)
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