“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly”

In a relationship, you really have to work together to make ends meet. It’s not always butterflies and colorful hearts. In the thirteen years that I’ve been in a relationship, I can say that it was one heck of a journey and even if you bang your head on the wall as a punishment to all your stupidity, you’ll end up being an and in my case, I’m lucky for my husband is always forgiving and understanding me. This is where I can say that I’m really a lucky girl for I’ve got me a man who is so selfless and loves me with his whole heart.

I’m not the best girl out there. The world has lots of wonderful and much better women and I must admit, I’m wrecked as hell even if my brains got a lot of juices. I’m smart, but I’m stupid most of the times. I don’t know, but I guess the saying “Lost girls ends with good men” really applies to me. G-dragon has his own fair share of stupidity and mistakes, but he’s a lot much better than me as a person. Well, if you’re gonna look at him from the outside, you will see an airy-cocky and super confident man, but on the inside, he’s warm and very loving. Only a few people know this, but I’m telling you, he is the greatest man that I’ve ever met.

“TOUCHDOWN JAMAICA!” Athena shouted the moment she stepped on the dock. It has been a routine of hers already. She’ll always say “Touchdown (insert place here)”. G-dragon is the one who taught her that.

We have been to three wonderful islands already, namely Barbados, The Bahamas and Cayman Islands. Jamaica is our last stop and if only we can extend this Caribbean Adventure of ours, I’ll extremely be happy.

Three weeks with only the three of us is so GOOD. I’m telling you, this whole experience is priceless! G-dragon and I were able to be parents to Athena for it’s the first time that we ever spent this much time with her. Being out of the chaotic world of entertainment and totally being in peace is just so wonderful. There are some who recognizes us but they are not suffocating us at all. They’ll ask for a picture and that’s it, they won’t even follow us wherever we go and they will not even give a damn on what we’re doing. My husband and I can even kiss each other in the middle of the beach and nobody will care. This is the life that I really wanted for our family, but unfortunately, we have to go back to reality soon and I’m going to embrace it with all my heart for I can’t do anything about it at all. We will forever be in that chaotic world and all we can do is handle things well.

“I want to swim already Omma” we have just entered our hotel room and it seems like Athena is itching to dip in the water already.

From milky white skins, we look like toasted peanuts already. I’m all cool with it though for it fits me quite well and it goes with G-dragon and Athena too. Thing is, our tan lines are crazily visible and it’s a bit weird to look at. I’ve got four different lines on my shoulders and back and my daughter, who spends almost all her time in the beach has different swimsuit marks that goes everywhere her shoulders and back as well. Oh well, our adventure wouldn’t be complete without it.

I can proudly say now that I am good in packing and unpacking already “Baby” G-dragon’s arms wrapped around my waist from behind and hugged me tightly.

My husband is being a sweet once again like he usually is and it’s giving me tinglies all over my body “What is it Oppa?” I turned my head and kissed his cheek.

“Nothing” he said and it made me smile.

“Where is Athena?” I asked while unpacking our things. His arms still wrapped around me.

“She saw a wrestling match on television and is now so absorbed in it” he answered and I chuckled.

Our lovely daughter has been missing her daily wrestling shows already and I have a strong feeling that she will not get out of the couch till that show ends. It’s a good thing though, at least we can rest from going to beaches for a while.

G-dragon sat on the bed while watching me do my thing. Honestly, being watched by him is a bit awkward “Don’t you want to sleep first? Aren’t you tired?” I asked while putting our clothes in the cabinet.

“It’s all cool” he lay on the bed and next thing I know it, he’s snoring already.

I was left with nothing to do. I’m not sleepy even though I’m dead tired, so I just went out to the balcony and appreciate the beautiful scenery. I’ve been to a lot of beautiful places already and every time I’m left with myself only, I cannot help but think of my want of having another baby. All this time, I’m just pretending that it’s already out of my mind, but the truth is, it’s not for I’m being bugged by it every night. There are even times wherein I fall asleep with tears in my eyes for I really want to do something about it but don’t even know how.

Before, I always contradict whenever G-dragon will tell me about wanting three kids coz during that time, I’m being really practical and only wanted one child, but now it’s different. I want to have even one more and I’ll be the happiest human being alive if ever God grant this wish of mine.

“Baby” I felt a hot hand touched my arm and saw G-dragon smiling sweetly the moment I opened my eyes.

“OH!” I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

“Aigoo…why did you sleep here? It’s so hot…look at the sun…it’s striking at its best” he sat on the chair in front of me and reached for my hands then kissed it.

I must’ve fallen asleep while thinking and didn’t give a damn even if the hot sun is toasting the hell out of my skin “I didn’t even know that I’ve fallen asleep already” I told him and he chuckled.

“Aigoo” he caressed my cheek and stared at me.

“You cried yourself to sleep….am I right?” he asked and I shook my head for a million times.

“C’mon…it’s obvious…you’ve got tear stains on your cheeks” he said while trailing his thumb on it.

I can never lie or hide anything from him. G-dragon knows me so well and he can tell what’s on my mind or if I’m lying in just one look.

“I did cry…but it’s nothing…don’t mind me” I said and forced a smile.

“Don’t mind you? Yaaa….you’ve been so dramatic since day one…I’m just brushing it off but baby…it’s bothering me already” he said and I pulled him to sit next to me.

I can’t keep this inside me for long coz I might explode and go crazy once I’ve had enough already. As much as I don’t want to bother him with my “baby issues”, I don’t have a choice but to tell him about it coz he’s the only one who can soothe me of this heavy and torturous dilemma.

Hugging him tightly, he just let me cry. I know that this is hurting him, but I just have to let it all out already “I want to be a mother…again…I want to have another baby so badly Oppa…I want to give you and Athena what you wanted….I want to feel how to be pregnant again….I want it so bad and it for I can’t even do anything about it…if only I can bring back time…I’ll definitely listen to you and the doctors when you told me that I have to let go of the baby early on…maybe if I agreed with you right away….my fallopian tube won’t be damaged and I can still get pregnant easily…I’m really stupid” I am crying my heart out and the heavy weight on my shoulders are getting light as I slowly get the pain out of my system.

“Look at me” G-dragon cupped my face with both hands and looked straight into my eyes “I know that this is so difficult for you….but baby…snap out of it already…I may not feel what you’re feeling now…but…it’s much better for us to just let go of that last streak of hope coz if we’re going to hold on to it…we’ll just be in ruins in the end…you don’t have to think of me and Athena….I’ve already accepted everything…I must admit…it’s not easy and up until now I still have those times wherein I feel sad just by thinking of it…but….I’m not letting that affect me…coz it’ll just the hell out me…so…please…get it out of you now and let’s just enjoy being a family of three”

I get it and like him, I’ve half accepted it as well. Thing is, whenever I hear stories about women having babies even after a lot of loss, it’s giving me new hope. I’ll be honest, when I heard Angela’s story in Bahamas, I was filled with hope again that one day I’ll get pregnant again and like her, the baby and I will survive. Thing is, I don’t think that G-dragon is ready to risk again and that truly is disappointing.

“Oppa…we still have options…right?” I asked and he just stared at me then sighed.

I can see and feel that he’s not good with it coz like what I’ve said, he doesn’t wanna risk my life again. Thing is, there are a lot of options out there and all we have to do is pick out the best ones. After all, there’s nothing bad in trying.

“Baby…I know that there are a lot of options…but…I’m not ready to go through the whole torturing process …I was traumatized with what happened to you months ago and I don’t want to be in that place EVER again” he said and I sighed heavily.

“But this time…it’s gonna be different…I’m sure of that” I told him and he shook his head.

“No…I don’t want to try anything anymore…I’m done with this….just…