“Being a successful couple was learning what you were willing to compromise on, and what you weren’t; learning when to stand your ground, and when to give it up; what was truly important enough to fight over, and what was just you being pissy. You learned each other’s hot buttons, the places that hurt, or angered, when you pressed them. Love makes you learn where all the pitfalls are, and how to avoid them, or how to set them off”

There are moments in our life wherein we’ll suddenly realize that something is not going right. I don’t know, but I guess I’m in that stage where I start evaluating myself as a wife and partner. It is a hard task, but it’s also a wake-up call.

I left Korea for New York a week ago coz I’d be participating at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Yes, I know that it’s kinda awkward to walk with only lingerie on when you know so well that you are pregnant. Actually, if I can just say pass to this, I’ll certainly will, but because this might be the last time for me to walk on that runway, I will not let this show slip through my fingers anymore. I mean, I’ve been an angel for YEARS already and it’s such a drag if I will not even have my last walk on that y-glittered stage. That’s the reason why I really pushed this even if G-dragon isn’t that good with it.

“Baby…do you really have to go?” he asked hours before my departure.

“Oppa…it’s not that I’m really needed there…it’s just that….I want to be there for this can be my last time on that stage” I answered and he sighed.

“But…you are pregnant and we don’t even know if this is safe for you and the baby” he said with a very serious expression on his face.

“Aigoo…Oppa....I think you’ve already forgotten…my doctor gave me permission to travel…according to her…I’m perfectly healthy and the baby is fine as well…so….there’s not much to worry about” I cleared and he shook his head.

“We have talked about this…right? You have agreed in this as well…why is it all of a sudden you’re having second thoughts now?” I asked curiously and he sighed heavily.

“Baby…I’ve just realized that this can be dangerous for you…look…you’re going to rehearse for hours wearing sky high heels ….not only that….you’d be wearing different kinds of wings that weighs more than you…what will you do if you slip? Huh?” he asked and I just bowed my head down in defeat.

As a matter of fact, his worries are also mine. I was thinking of the bad things that might happen to me during rehearsals and it kinda frightened the out of me, but at the end, I’ve realized that all I have to do is be careful. After all, the people in Victoria’s Secret are aware about my pregnancy and I know so well that they won’t put my baby’s life in danger.

“Oppa…how can I leave with you being like this?” I asked and he just stared at me.

“Do you really want to go?” he asked and I nod my head slowly.

I know that he’s still organizing his thoughts and somewhat weighing his emotions, but things are still on my side for he let me continue with my plans in the end. Thing is, I’m a bit worried for him because I know that he will freak himself out once I leave.

With my husband’s permission, Eon, Dong min, Eun hee and I left for New York already. I’m with my most trusted people so there’s not much to worry and think about. G-dragon has talked to each of them as well telling to watch over me intently and somewhat discipline me whenever I’m being stubborn. Honestly, seeing my husband’s worried face nearly changed my mind, but my eagerness to appear on the show is so strong.

The moment we arrived in New York, all the things in my head was washed out completely. I’ve told myself that I’ll enjoy my every minute here for I’ve missed this place so much. Actually, I kinda missed living here.

Rehearsals started right away for me coz I arrived late already. I’m about to go here three weeks before the show, but it didn’t push through because I have to finish filming some episodes for the series.

“Gosh!” I said the moment I wore the wings that was made for me.

“Aigoo…isn’t it too heavy for you?” Eun hee asked.

“Yaaaa….is there any way for them to change this? I mean…this is totally heavy” Dong min followed.

“I’ve already told them about it” Eon said and then looked at me “This won’t work” he said and I just sighed.

Well, yeah. The wings that they made for me is super heavy that walking on the catwalk carrying it is just too impossible. Up until now, my co-angels and I still cannot figure out how we were able to carry those big and heavy wings around the stage.

After altering my wings, I went to rehearsals already. If you think that modeling is easy, well, better think again. Walking and projecting in front of the camera is quite easy, but enduring your aching feet because of your sky high heels while walking on a slippery catwalk isn’t. I’m telling you, there was even a time when I fall face first on the ground during rehearsals years ago.

“Oh !” I said the moment I started walking on the catwalk.

Note to self: Never underestimate a slippery catwalk.

Well as expected, I almost tripped in the middle of the runway. This is one thing that I have to be cautious about on the show. I have to tell myself over and over again that the floor is dangerous. I swear. Tripping is the least that I want to happen for it’ll surely cause danger to my baby.

And it went on and on and on. I was able to get my groove back and everybody was complementing me for being energetic and bubbly even in my situation right now. As a matter of fact, I’ve had mood swings along the way. Good thing, I was able to bring myself back up and act like nothing happened. You see, when you’re pregnant, there’ll be a time wherein you’re in pure bliss and then next thing you know it, you’re already loathing the world.

All I did for one whole week is rehearse, eat, sleep, bum around and shop. Even when I’m pregnant, I can say that I’m a woman who is still always on the go. I mean, locking myself up in our house is not that good because I’ll just gain weight and look like a cow after nine months.

“I’m freakin bored” I said when I realized that I’m not doing anything for an hour already.

“Same here” Eun hee looked at me and reached for my hand.

“We’re really the dreadful sisters” she said, making me laugh.

“YAH! You two just got home from shopping…how can you be bored right away?” Eon asked, receiving a smirk from me.

“I told you trouble twin…we should’ve roamed around Barney’s more” Eun hee said and I gave out a pout.

“Yeah” I said and sighed.

“Tinky…just to remind you….you’re freakin pregnant…roaming around the city like you have no baggage at all is really pathetic…actually…you should’ve stayed here and rest…I’m telling you…once Jiyong hyung knows about this…he will surely make you go home right away” Dong min said and I suddenly remembered the things that my husband told me.

Actually, for the few days that I’ve been away from him, whenever we talk on the phone he’ll always remind me to rest. Thing is, my excitement for this place is not letting me do that. I admit, I’m being stubborn once again for I’m not listening to him nor to anyone here, but I know my limitations and I’m being careful as well.

“Ah!” Eun hee said and stood up from the couch.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I’ll just go to Walmart...I’m gonna buy something that can pull us out of boredom” she answered and walked off.

As usual, Mouse is being so random once again and she’s dragging me to it. She went home with two bags of latex paint and brushes in hand then asked if she can doddle on a wall somewhere around the house. And because I miss painting, I joined her and we randomly painted a wall.

Well, this is going to shock the hell out of G-dragon for he was the one who chose to have the walls in white and now, it’s going to have a random artwork already. Doodling is fun!

“How can you two be this random?” Eon asked while watching us do our thing.

“This is so fun Eon” Eun hee said.

“Get used to it hyung…those two are crazy people…I’m telling you….they do things that are so out of this world” Dong min said, making Eun hee and I laugh.

Time passed by so fast whenever you’re busy doing something and in my case, I’m totally putting my heart in my artwork. I’ve decided to make it very sentimental and meaningful. My painting skills are not like before, but I pushed myself to the limit and tried doing a modernized version of Madonna and child.

“Oh gosh! You’re doing so well!” Eun hee said upon seeing my work.

“I don’t even know if it looks good” I told her and she sighed.

“What do you mean you don’t know if it looks good? Yah! It looks like a freakin pro painter did it…I can even feel your emotions while looking at it” she said, making me smile.

“Aigoo…I didn’t know that you’re capable of appreciating art” I teased and received a playful slap on the arm from her.

And we painted non-stop. Well in my case, I’ve decided to finish what I started for I’m excited of the outcome already. While painting, Eun hee, Dong min, Eon and I chat over random things that ended up emotionally.

“You know…sometimes…I feel like…I’m locking Daniel up in my life…I mean…he became an instant father to Lou when I know so well that he’s not that fully ready for it yet…and now…he’s stuck with me and my son…actually…there are times wherein I feel like breaking up with him just to set him free…I feel like we are just a burden to him….a burden that he wants to be lifted up from his shoulders but chooses not to because he knows that he can’t live without it” Eun hee said and I really felt her emotions through her voice.

“Mouse…it’s not that you’re locking Daniel up or something like that…look…you didn’t ask him to take charge of Lou…he was the one who told you that he’s ready to be the kid’s father….fine! Maybe…an instant family is a bit of a drag for him but you and most especially your guys are not a burden to him” Dong min said and I nod in agreement.

“And Mouse…Daniel accepted you and Lou with all his heart….he’s been a great father to your son as well and if you guys are a burden to him…he will not even bother to keep the two of you...can’t you see? He’s really a husband material…I guess all you need is to tie the knot for you not to feel this way anymore” I told her and she looked at me in disbelief.

“Trouble twin…you know that marriage is not for me…right? Actually…up until now…I still feel like motherhood is really not my place” she said and I sighed heavily.

“Ishi” she called after a long silence.

“mmmm”

“Can you say that you’re a good wife?” she asked and it really made me think.

Honestly, I don’t know how to answer this question at all because I myself think that I’m not good at all. Maybe, there are times that I am, but I also have moments wherein I around and screw things for us.

“I don’t know…I guess…there are times that I am…and there are times that I’m not….you see….you can’t really evaluate your performance as a wife because it’s not like work wherein you have a boss to give you a grade…to me….what’s important is…my husband is contented with how I take care of him….other things doesn’t matter anymore” I finally answered.

“But are you aware that sometimes you have the t