“Sometimes life has a cruel sense of humor, giving you the thing you always wanted at the worst time possible”

What will you do if you’re too crushed to even continue with life? What will you do if that one person who you thought will understand is the one who broke your heart? What will you do if you badly want something and you’ve already got it but it has been taken away from you even before you’ve enjoyed it? What if you’re already a mother and you’re holding on to that thin thread of hope that your poor baby will make it but in the end, somebody so close to the both you decided to cut the string? How am I going to face another day when I’m stuck in this dark cell of dread and misery already? Will I be able to move on? Will my life go back to normal again?

Four days ago, I got the crappiest news ever. I was rushed to the hospital hours before we leave for Korea because I felt excruciating pain in my stomach. At first I thought it was just a normal stomach cramp but it’s not. When I woke up, I’m already in a white walled room with my daughter beside me. At first I thought I was already in heaven for the pain nearly killed me, but the moment I felt Athena’s warm hands on mine, I sighed in relief for I’m still alive.

“Ishi…they want me to….choose….between…..”

From the looks of it, I can easily tell that G-dragon is being burdened by something. He told me that the baby is alive but he doesn’t look happy at all “They want me to choose between you and the baby Ishi”.

The moment I heard that, my whole body went cold and I suddenly felt a deep stab in my heart. I don’t know how to react to it because I don’t even want to believe what I’m hearing. I was waking myself up from a bad dream, next thing I know it, I’m crying like there’s no tomorrow already for everything is real.

Things haven’t sunk in to me yet but one thing is for sure, I will not let my husband choose between me and our baby. I mean, how is that even possible? Actually, I can still take it if they told me that I’ve got a miscarriage, at least in that way the baby is already gone but taking its life is not the right thing to do. It’s alive which means, we still have chances of having it.

“Baby…we don’t have a choice” the moment I heard this, I nearly banged G-dragon’s head on the wall. Seriously, how can he say this crap? It’s our baby we’re talking about here.

I have to stick with my decision even if I know that my stubbornness will really kill the hell out of him. I will stick with this baby till the end even if my life is already on the line “You will not choose Oppa…I’m going to continue this pregnancy…we will keep the baby…none of us will die”.

G-dragon is really trying to talk me out of this, but my decision’s already final. I know that I’m risking a lot here, but this is much better than killing the baby. Yes, we’re not the ones who are going to kill it, but in one way or another, it will look like we murdered our own child for we let the doctor take his/her life away.

“The baby stays…after all those freakin doctors cannot do anything to me because I will not let them take my baby away from me…and even you can’t change my mind Jiyong….all I want to do now is go home…so please…bring me home NOW”  with this, our talk has ended. He let me do things my way again and this time, I don’t have intensions of listening to him at all.

The moment we got home, our family and friends keeps on visiting me and they only have one agenda and that is, to talk me out from my craziness. I know that this might be crazy, but it’s a mother thing. I just can’t let my baby go, especially not when I know that it’s alive.

“Ishi…how are you?” Omma asked.

“I’m all good Omma…there’s nothing to worry about” I lied.

As a matter of fact, I’m in deep pain and I can feel my body weaken. Pretending that everything’s fine is so hard, but I was able to keep up with it even if I know that they are not buying it at all.

“Are you sure you’re fine?” Dami-unnie asked while looking straight into my eyes.

“I am….there’s no need to worry” I gave a weak smile and all she can do is sigh.

After that, the convincing started. Omma even cried in front of me, pleading, for me to let of the baby already. It hurts because this is the first time that my mother in-law pleaded, but even after that, my decision hasn’t shaken at all.

“Ishi…please….we don’t want to lose you….I know that it’s hard…but…continuing this pregnancy will bring you to deep trouble…just think of Athena….how can she live without a mother?” she cried her heart out along with Dami-unnie.

Athena. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m hurting my own child without her knowing because I’m ready to die just for this baby. But then again, my hope that we’ll get through this is still strong and I will fight till the end for us to live.

“You’re being so stubborn trouble twin…I’m telling you….this is so pathetic! How can you give your life away just like that? Yes…that baby inside you means so much but it’s not enough for you to put yourself on the line….you still got a kid here who needs you…how can you not think of Athena?” Eun hee said in rage.

“Look Mouse…we’re going to be fine…I know it…and I can feel it” I told her and she smirked.

“What are you? A psychic? Are you someone who can see the future? Ishi…the doctors have already spoken…they said that this pregnancy wouldn’t do any good and continuing it will just take your life away…don’t tell me that a miracle will happen…FYI…miracles rarely happen…and right now…you don’t have time to wait for it because your clock is ticking so fast already” she said and I don’t know what to think anymore.

A day has passed and the people keep on coming. They will start by asking how I was and will end with “Think about it Ishi…we don’t wanna lose you”. Why are these people not feeling what I’m feeling? It’s easy for them to say “just give it up” because they are not the ones carrying the baby. They don’t have that strong attachment to it. Even G-dragon doesn’t.

“Baby” G-dragon came in the room with a smile on his face.

“Hey” I lift myself up and pat the space beside me.

“How are you feeling?” he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I rest my head on his.

“I’m good” I answered and he sighed heavily.

In all fairness to my husband, he’s really trying to be strong for the two of us. I know that if he can only decide for himself, he will get this baby out of me in no time. But he’s not doing it because he still respects my decision and in one way or another, he still has hope that this pregnancy will succeed.

“Baby” he called while my hair.

“What?” I looked up at him and he stared at me for a few seconds.

“Aren’t you getting tired of this?” he asked and I rolled my eyes at him.

“Oppa…please” I said and he sighed.

“Ishi…you’re in deep pain already….how can you take it? All I can hear from you are your cries….you look so fragile…I feel like…I’m already losing you even before things get serious” he said and all I can see in his eyes is pain.